Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Tears over cherry cheesecake

     Today I began my day stressed. 
     Anxious over the magazine — impending deadlines, event planning, photos to be taken, editing, financing, printing. Even though I know it's going quite well, beautiful and orchestrated by God. Money is better than ever. The quality of the publication is breath-taking, and the prospects for partnership opportunities are about to make me burst with excitement. The last days of the kids at camp and me working at home are ticking away. A new chapter is about to begin. 
     And at a time when things couldn't be going better. I'm stressed. Tense. Muscles tight, jaw popping, head throbbing (could be the teeth cleaning at the dentist today???) kind of anxious. Super unusual for me in the last five years of my life. Maybe it's the doggie drama. Our dog has had three (with a fourth now scheduled) trips to the vet in the two weeks of the kids being at camp. He's whining, whimpering, groaning and limping in pain. It's making it hard for me to work in the same room. Talk about hampering concentration! 
     It could be nervous excitement as we are planning some things "in secret" for Mighty Strong Girls, and the unveiling is going to be as fun as working out all the details. It could be uneasiness about homeschooling preparation. As in, I'm ready to create calendars, paint a wall, decorate reading nooks for the kids and make the transition fun and exciting (but I have to get the magazine designed first). 
     It might also be that when I decided to blog again, I would seek God about what I write. In the last week, I feel He's given me two topics: forgiveness and patience. It's not the topics that are stress-inducing. But while I continued to pray, He put people on my heart for each. One requires digging into my past and tearing down walls I built over something ridiculous; the other requires holding my tongue and letting Him work at His pace and not mine when it comes to a situation involving two loved ones. So while I may be writing on these topics, I think God is seeking me to experience His work through them first. 
     I'm continuing to be in prayer, meditating on times when I had to forgive and be patient, remembering how faithful God was in those situations and leaning into Him as I prepare for these challenges ahead so that I can face them with a joyful attitude and not one filled with anxiety. 
     I took a big step tonight. I sat down with a slice of homemade cherry cheesecake, made by my teenage friend who's celebrating her sweet sixteenth birthday today. Can you believe it? A teenager made me cheesecake on HER BIRTHDAY! How lucky am I to know someone so wonderful. And this isn't the first time she made me cheesecake, but the first two times, the cake was eaten before it made it to my house. LOL! 
     Eating the cheesecake, I reflected on how far I've come and she's come in the last year. Both are worth celebrating! I think God is celebrating, too. 
     As I continued enjoying the decadence, I read a note from an old friend about her decision to homeschool her children. It was so beautifully written —almost like a dance where the rhythm picks up and then slows between her and God about being in tune with His will for her family. It made me smile, then laugh and cry and laugh again. I miss her; she was the first "real" friend I had! We met in junior high and went through so much together — good, bad and ugly — and both came out better for it, or should I say despite it, on the other side. I sure wish we lived closer to one another. 
     I notice as I ate and read and then licked my plate (transparency, remember?) that my stress had melted away. Contentment, the very thing I told my son he needs more of this morning, isn't something that comes easily to most of us. Maybe the fact that so many things are unsettled was causing discontent. I reminded Ryker that we must seek contentment. We must WANT it. We have to avoid distractions like jealousy, pride and anger that can steal our contentment. Happiness cannot be found in money, stuff or accomplishments. It has its roots in relationships — Jesus first, then your family and then other relationships. 
     Spending some time reflecting on my emotionally tumultuous day reminded me life is good, even if isn't always good, but that God is good ALL THE TIME. Like cherry cheesecake and old friends. 

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Eeeek!! I'm really gonna homeschool!

     When I simply began thinking about this blog post, I got a lump in my throat. When I mentioned the word "homeschool" to my mom a couple weeks ago, in the context that we'll be trying it, I've never heard the woman clam up so fast. 
     What is it about homeschooling that makes everyone so uncomfortable anyway? 
     The first time I contemplated it was the first time I looked in my daughter's eyes in the delivery room and thought to myself, "I can't let anyone else hold her....ever!" It only took a little colic for that feeling to go away. 
     Seriously, though, there has always been something about homeschooling that has appealed to the hippy in me. I gently reminded my mom of my own anger and frustration my freshman year in college to learn that I was paying $6,000 to relearn high school subjects, and it was REQUIRED for a degree. It was ridiculous in my mind, the subjects I had to learn at a remedial level (chemistry....really?) to get my degree in journalism. Was all the money and time necessary? Most of my learning in college came inside the four walls of the student newspaper anyway. 
     But when others tried to urge me years ago to do it, I had that feeling of discomfort. As in, "I need to change the subject fast. There's NO WAY I could homeschool. And these people are cah-RAY-zee!"
      Today, I can honestly say the time is right. I'm looking forward to the freedom to work side-by-side with my children at their pace, in their interests, pursuing their goals. I cannot imagine doing anything more important. 
     My daughter frequently reminds me that she "doesn't WANT to be like everybody else." While most of the world is busy trying to fit in, she's not just content but determined to stand out. She is somewhat of a standout at school, but there's so much more she wants to do. She wants to take assignments to deeper levels; she wants to explore, build and create with intensity. She doesn't want a lecture; she craves a hands-on exploration. Constantly. She wants room to try and not just fail but totally screw up, so she can try again. This, I believe, is the makeup of many of our nation's great minds over the course of history. They weren't typical, robotic learners. They thought outside the box; they were risk-takers; they were unafraid of failure; they were different, for sure. Those are the kinds of values I want my homeschooled children to embody. 
     The problem is I don't know, exactly, how to get there. I tried teaching college level students last year, and it was a flop. (And here I am taking on my own precious children!) I hated the grading scale, the structure, the process. It was all so....formulaic. It didn't determine success or failure; it didn't prepare them. 
     Today, I committed as formally as possible to homeschooling. I bought some teaching tools, dry erase charts, printed homeschool records and (gulp) bought a curriculum. A very loose one that will allow them to guide themselves through their learning. I'm pretty excited about it actually and the potential for them to explore their way through history using music, math, art, science, religion, cooking, reading, writing and more. 
     I'm also pretty scared. It's a big leap of faith. A major transition for our whole family. A big commitment. 
I'm also wondering why I didn't do it sooner. So many encouraging women have suggested it for years. I doubted myself. I doubted it mattered that much. I doubted it was better for my children. 
     Today I'm so glad I dumped the doubt, but I'm still working on the fear. Well, maybe I'll keep some of it. I'll probably need the adrenaline to keep this ship afloat! 
     In the interest of being more authentic and transparent, I'll be sharing our experiences. I'm blessed to have many friends who are so supportive and encouraging. While there are some who just avoid talking about it with me, I also appreciate those who want to learn more. About what we're doing. What works. What doesn't. And how my children fare. I don't mind that, and I'm glad I haven't experienced anything terribly negative. 
     The next step: Setting up our space, buying a few more supplies and writing the lesson plan for the first four-week unit on creation. 
     Keep us all in your prayers! :-) 

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

My keeping-it-real confession: I've been lying

    In a conversation with a good friend yesterday, I tried making sense of it all. 
     "I think I'm a liar," I said, laughing....sort of. "But I can't figure out who I'm not being honest with — myself, God or the people following Mighty Strong Girls."
     Based on a few other comments, she deduced that I'm not being honest with myself. If you ask me, lying to yourself has implications when it comes to God and everyone else, too. So I'm a liar. Great. 
     It's an uneasy feeling, not being honest with yourself. A trick. A slight of the hand. Nobody else knows, but you are harboring a dirty little secret...or several. I tell myself repeatedly that Mighty Strong Girls is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's what God put on my heart. I'm being obedient. I'm loving every minute of it. I'm not afraid. We're doing 'just fine' financially. 
     They seem like legitimate lies, because I don't want anyone — least of all myself — to doubt "my" ministry. Deep down, I KNOW it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. So I stuff all my emotions, fears and problems way down deep and begin to fill my head with "positive self talk" to convince myself everything is peachy keen. So that people will want to be part of it, because who wants to buy in to something that fills the founder up with doubt?
     But when you go from living three years debt-free in the name of God and in 12 short months have a credit card that is maxed out, and you have no cash to fill up your gas tank or get groceries, it's absolutely terrifying. When you are doing the work of a team of a dozen without getting paid, you begin to question your sanity. When you push aside your family for a ministry, even if only for a week, it feels icky. 
     Is this really what God wants? Or did I go too fast? Out of order? Do too much too soon? Am I ungrateful? Is my family angry? What if my husband doesn't forgive me for this? 
     Second guessing begins. It shows up everywhere. 
     God didn't give me a little "first step" in the vision of Mighty Strong Girls; He gave me the whole thing. I jumped on board, perhaps a little too eagerly and went ahead of His plan for me. I know that now. 
     I repented. We've been blessed. Financially my family is back "on track," but the ministry is still in a bit of a mess. Debt with more on the horizon to accomplish what we minimally need to do. I am so grateful for God's provision; what He's done in two short months can only be described as miraculous. And that's just the money part. The lives He's touched, the fun we've had, the friendships made, the faith He's deepened in girls and women, the lies we've exposed, the work we've accomplished, the walls we've knocked down. All of that we've done because of His divine and glorious work through the hands, hearts, minds and feet of so many. It's astonishing; really it is! To begin dissecting the list of His accomplishments in one year of Mighty Strong Girls is exhausting! 
     But I'd be lying if I didn't add that I want more. I want a ministry that doesn't operate in the "red." I want a family who doesn't wear shoes that squeeze our toes and give us blisters because we can't afford new ones. I want a financial plan I know will work — as in the money is already there before we know we need it. The American way. 
     Admitting that feels incredibly selfish sometimes, and that's why I lie. Because when you minister, you put your faith in God. Right? What I described in the previous paragraph would mean I don't have to rely on Him. Right? I mean, that's what so many have said. God's people wandered 40 years in the dessert, relying on his providence. Not always knowing where it would come. Not knowing. That's Biblical. Right? 
     The problem is after taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, I can't make it agree. I'm way outside my comfort zone with a lot of what's happening with Mighty Strong Girls. The speed of things are faster than even I wanted. Income is not keeping up with expenses. Which means our modest middle class family budget is now not only stretched to cover my nearly complete lack of income (save for a half dozen photography clients a year) but also thousands in expenses for a ministry. I'm secretly fearful about losing our home. That wasn't my plan. I'm not sure whether it's God's plan. There. That's it. There's the honesty. 
     There are days I simply want to throw in the towel and do what makes sense: Get a good paying job that will pull my family out of the mess, the uncertainty. I have a master's degree, for crying out loud, and I know it wouldn't take long to find work. It's a formula that I already know provides the solution. My brain screams for this in my lowest moments of discouragement. 
     Except I've been there. It's not so neat, certain and happy. On that side, I yearned for something authentic. A job that used the best of what I could offer to make a difference and help others make a difference. Here God gives it to me, and I'm complaining. You can see why I'm lying to myself. In my weakest, most human moments, I want what the world wants — security, certainty, comfort. These things beckon me from my lowest lows of doubtfulness.
     It's like a tug-of-war in my mind, heart and soul. This thing, this little "thing" God called me to do is absolutely amazing, and watching the body of Christ formed to do His work makes me feel so small but so incredibly filled up spiritually. It's awesome and amazing and fearful. I hate admitting that I want to turn my back on it. (The truth is I don't think I EVER could!) I know God has me where I need to be, where He wants me to be. 
     I want to create a place where girls and women can be honest and real. To really explore this seemingly unchartered territory of "reality," I have to stop lying to myself. I'm praying this honesty will help unlock the bonds of the writer's block and give me confidence to move forward boldly with Mighty Strong Girls. Because as secure as I am that my own daughter can be raised in an environment that affirms her inner-awesomeness, it's not enough. I want that for all girls, and I want her to grow up with girls who believe it, too. I can't do that without holding onto "the truth."
     I have no other choice but to lean entirely and completely into Him. The truth is I have nowhere else to turn if I'm being honest about what I want in the previous paragraph. The truth is He doesn't want us to live lives of despair or sadness.  The truth is that I need ministered to as much as anyone else. The truth is that when God fills us up, we feel complete. The truth is that Philippians 4:13 isn't about getting what we want or accomplishing what we want. It's not about our selfish desires at all. It's about being satisfied when all we have is Him. It's about drawing strength from Him when we feel weak, when we feel we need what the world offers, when we feel we should have what everyone else has. 
     If I want to stop lying to myself, I need to get to the bottom of one simple question: Is He really enough? 
     Can I stop obsessing about what I don't have, what I want, what I think He should provide? Can I make my God enough to fill me up? 
     As I explored this with my friend yesterday, I did what I sadly too often do. I hung up the phone and shifted gears to something else entirely. 
     But she didn't forget. Five minutes later and for 10 minutes, my phone was "on fire" with text messages from girls and moms. She asked some of those close to Mighty Strong Girls to send me some encouragement. Each of them spoke from their heart about what it's meant to them. 
     Here is a sample: 
     "Mighty Strong Girls helps me feel like I matter more than I did before, and I realize it's OK to be different." 
     "Mighty Strong Girls has been a great way for me to stay connected with God and other Christian Girls. Thank you!"
     "It's amazing what Mighty Strong Girls has become. It's weird to look back at the day you told me about it. I thought it was so out of reach! And now it's this huge thing that has become so much! I'm so thankful for you. I love you." 
     "Mighty Strong Girls is going to be something amazing. Thank you!"
     The icing on the cake was a phone call right about the time I got the texts from my husband, who had to run some medication to one of our children at camp in Springfield. He was heading back to work when he saw a woman out for a walk wearing the "Be-YOU-tiful" T-shirt she got at the Mighty Strong Girls event this summer. Best of all, he called it "Polly's shirt." Polly is the girl at my church who designed the T-shirt. That's an impressive detail for most men to remember, but he was so excited — for Polly, for me and for Mighty Strong Girls.
     I have to tell you to have such support is a tremendous blessing. It occurred to me that their words were God's way of affirming this ministry and encouraging me. I sat crying tears of joy. It 
     The very thing I want for girls — to be told they matter, to walk obediently in the will of God, to know it's OK to be the girl God created them to be, to be affirmed and encouraged — is something I need, too. It's something we all need. It's something we all deserve as the children of God. 
     Be a Mighty Strong Girl today and encourage one another. To do so is to be the hands, feet and mouth of Christ! 

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Writer's block

For the longest time, I blogged. Now I'm not. Wish I had something profound to say about my writer's block. I don't. I'm afraid, really afraid, that this is as good as it gets. Because my writing is not going so well. Understatement of the year. 

It's weird, really. Because it's never happened to me. I overwrite. I can write one story 10 ways and love them all equally. I can write crap and show it to my husband who thinks it's awesome. Believe me, I've tried. But I can't. I can't journal, write stories or get a cohesive, intelligent thought from brain to blank sheet — either typing or writing. 

When I quit my job in early 2012, I felt like God wanted me to write about my experience. To share it. To record it. So I did. Even though it was the most uncomfortable thing I have ever written about. 

So much more has happened. God has moved in even bigger ways. My faith has grown. He has shown up when I was barely holding on. When I was about to give up. Time and time again. 

And when I try to record it, get it on paper...my words don't come. I really, really want to write again. Anything. I will even joyfully blog about the crazy world I live in, where my family can't figure out how to get groceries one day and the next, a friend gives us food. A world where I screw up, go before God and feel so dumb. But I repent, and He forgives, pouring grace and mercy on me like never before. A world where my family is honest, authentic and seeking (and offering) forgiveness. A world where I'm sure nobody understands, and I must be secretly considered the "crazy lady" by most of my friends and all of my family. 

But the words. They don't come. So many times, I've sat down here with my blog open, my journal blank and prayed for the right words. There are none. Or what I am thinking isn't what I'm writing. It's awful. Like this place here, where I am sure this very blog entry is cursed. Horrible. Nonsensical. 

Why. I'm not sure if it's God, perhaps wanting me to experience Him in new and different ways. To put down my pen and come to worship and know Him in new ways. (I have. I have loved it, even as I've longed to write.) Or if it's me, scared to be as raw as somedays I want to be. Fearful that when my opinion hits the paper, "crazy" will be the kindest thing people think of when they hear my name. 

I'm terrified I might write a lot more like this. Even more, I am scared of continuing in this place where I am not writing. At all. I don't like it here. 

The journal thing is really not working out. So I'm coming back here. To blog. Mostly for me, a return to myself, but for anyone who cares to tune in. 

Because there is so much I want to write. If only I can find the words.