Monday, September 17, 2012

Banishing the 'f' word


Why? 

That's the question that is haunting me lately. I can't shake it. Because deep down I think I'm scared I already know the answer. 

The issue prompting my why is the self-loathing. This place where the female persuasion finds herself going when she's bloated, has a pimple, gained a few pounds, noticed a gray hair, found her first wrinkle or sadly, as the case is for so many of our teen girls, without any understandable provocation whatsoever. 

My daughter couldn't even walk yet when my husband told me there would be no more "f-words" in our house. The "f-word" he was referring too was "fat." I couldn't believe he would insult me that way. I NEVER say that. 

Then I realized I didn't have to say it. It might as well have been written across my face when I looked in the mirror some mornings, put on a certain pair of pants or ate something I regretted. The constant self-critical voice was so deeply ingrained, I didn't even hear myself on those occasions when I did in fact actually mutter, "Ugh. I look so fat." 

Two years later, my toddler daughter would do the same -- the first time. 

And I wonder...how many times will she have to look at herself in the mirror before she loves the reflection entirely, without judgement and even in spite of the differences in her image and the ridiculously unrealistic and often sexualized images of women and girls that surround us? Will she ever? 

Because the truth is...I don't always feel that way about myself. And so why should she? Or any girl? The truth is self loathing in itself isn't a mental disorder. But if we're honest, we realize it is a reality...a shocking 93 percent of girls and young women report feeling anxiety or stress about some aspect of their looks when getting ready in the morning. 

Should it really be that way? Something about that seems....sad and wrong. 

But the world we live in has evolved. It's much, much more visual, considering a couple hundred years ago society was mirror-less and purity (not half-naked women dancing on television commercials) equated beauty.  By her 12th birthday, today's girl will have seen more than 75,000 television commercials. That's on top of billboards, magazines and Internet images that project a more-or-less flawless, thin and "sexy" version of who she is "supposed to be."

Our world tells her over and over and over that she's not good enough. She needs this product or that to look better. She needs to shed pounds -- a lot and often an unattainable amount -- to be pretty enough. She can't have pimples, a flat chest, glasses, thin lips, thick eyebrows, cellulite, wrinkles or a big ole booty. None of those are desirable. Throw in the pressure to act a certain way, wear specific brands of clothing, be seen with "cool" people and use the latest and greatest gadgets. You can be rest assured that when she finally achieves one of these, there will be another and another she must overcome if she ever wants to reach society's narrow definition of beauty. 

We, my fine female friend, fall for this trap. So may I introduce you to the contrived, self-absorbed, unhappy but beautiful like a Barbie doll woman our world would have us all be. I hope you like living a lie. 

According to "Five Conversations You Must Have with Your Daughter,  more than three-quarters of girls and young women admit to partaking in unhealthy activities when they feel badly about their bodies and 58 percent describe themselves as disgusting and ugly. Almost 40 percent engage in unhealthy eating behaviors, such as anorexia or bulimia. I am further concerned that most of these girls may be suffering in silence.

Despite the evolving roles and prominence of successful women in our culture, we are no less likely to be objectified. In fact, we are more likely to be viewed as sex objects than ever before. Is it perhaps because we've convinced ourselves that we can "have it all?" And in the midst of following our own dreams we have blindly let marketers tell us what "all" is? You know, this "all" is never enough. It will never be enough. And that's the trap. 

There's no hiding from these facts, and as much as I would like to, I can't rear my daughter in a bubble.  I can't stop negative advertising in its entirety, but there IS a lot I CAN do. 

Will you help me? 

* Stop buying it. Stop buying into the lie and stop shopping with retailers who objectify girls and women. (After watching a disgusting advertising by Hardee's during a football game this weekend, I will NEVER patronize this restaurant again. Ever.)

* Stop living in shame. Talk about it. Get a dialogue going. Be honest. Someone wants to hug you, let you know it will be OK and help you through the pain. 

* Be supportive. Encourage and lift one another up. Girls can be their own worst enemy, and many of us carry this over into adulthood. We can end a lot of the negative carryover simply by telling each other the truth: You're beautiful. You're gorgeous. You are worthy. You make the world a better place. 

* Love each other right where you are. Extend grace. A lot. We don't do this enough!

* Quit gossiping and quit listening to the gossip -- most of which revolves around the way someone looks or a jealousy we have for someone we "think" looks better than we do. (Girls, this only makes us look ugly from the inside out!) 

* Support projects that lift up and encourage girls and women. Like Mighty Strong Girls. Sorry, there HAD to be a shameless "plug." 

God has a destiny planned for all of us -- an unraveling story that is so great and amazing. It will let us use our special gifts and talents and impact the world for Christ. It will inspire us and motivate us and make us so happy we could just dance!

That's the revolution I've had. I'm in my happy place where I'm getting clarity, and He's filling me up. It's a work in progress, but I'm so happy to finally be here. And I want to help other girls and women find this place, too. It takes a team effort, for I didn't come to this on my own but through the work of God and some amazing, beautiful women. 

Now I have a question for you. Will you be part of the team helping girls and women be revolutionized? I want you on my team!!