Feeling empty; Lacking love

Do you ever feel empty? 


Oh, that's just me? 


Well, I (somewhat begrudgingly) admit it: Sometimes I feel empty -- an emptiness that can't be explained. The world tells us this isn't OK. I mean, look at all the STUFF at our disposal to fill up our "emptiness." Big homes. Fast, shiny, big, beautiful bright cars. RVs. Boats. Four wheelers. Swimming pools. Fashion. Furniture. Art. Gadgets upon gadgets. Social media. Pinterest. 


Why on earth would anyone feel empty?


And yet, I do. Perhaps that's where I've gone wrong. Maybe, just maybe that's why I feel so buried, so insecure. Could it be that I've been reaching for STUFF, instead of to the ONE who can fill me up? 


Yesterday, in the depths of despair I cried out to God. Then felt slighted when he didn't show up with an answer. "I have faith," I insisted, in anger. "And I know you'll answer my prayers. Please show up here!"


Nothing.


I was left alone, I felt, with only the rambling thoughts of emptiness inside. Chief among those scattered thoughts were worries. A broken car. No job/income. Medical bills. And this unceasing desire to do more -- sponsor an orphan, feed hungry children, end the injustices I've seen firsthand in developing countries -- all the while being unable to care for my own family.


I speak as if I have faith, and I believe I do. I have left it in his hands, and I KNOW he will provide. And I know things take time, and I know he's growing me in this season of life. I do trust him!


Yet, in the midst of this, I look at what everyone else has, and I'm jealous. A jealousy that makes me angry. "I just want to pay my bills and help needy children...why can't I have more resources, God, when I want to use them to honor and glorify you?"


Is it any coincidence that I'm currently reading a book entitled "The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged?"


I'm not sure why it continually amazes me that he meets me where I am. 


That emptiness, could it be a longing? A longing to be affirmed, valued, loved, appreciated, assured, connected, desired, celebrated, cared for and included as the author has suggested? 


Could it be that this is EXACTLY how God designed us? So that we would fill this emptiness, not with things of the world, but with him. Things, stuff and even people are unreliable. God is not. 


He may not always give us exactly what we want or ask for, but he's there. Always. And he knows our pain. He's experienced it firsthand. He chose to come to us as man, as Jesus, who endured it all -- physical pain, emotional pain, suffering, temptations, hunger, exhaustion, mocking, death. 


So it was reassuring to me as I read last night this passage in the book: 


"The real difficulty is that the unseen God is also hard to understand. His actions often don't make sense to us, and He doesn't look at things at all the way we do...


"To our limited understand, God's ways are mysterious and often counterintuitive. There are even times when, for reasons we can't fathom, God hides himself completely from us. When that happens, it's so easy for us to get wrong ideas about him. We get all mixed up about what we can see and what we can't see. And that's when we may fall into the trap of wanting to tell God what to do."


Wow. 'Cause that's exactly where I was yesterday. Telling God what to do, in the midst of my anger and confusion. 


Yes, I have faith. But I was reminded from 1 Corinthians 13:2 "...and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

Do I have love? Yes, I would answer. 


But then as I examine the rest of the passage, it makes me wonder, is my love: 


Patient? ...never grumbling about life's circumstances but trusting my needs will be met? 


Kind?  ...putting others above myself, not just occasionally but all the time? 


Free of envy and boastfulness? ...satisfied with what I have, who I am and where I'm at in life? ...free of bragging and boasting? 


A love that is not not self-seeking? ...who is it I want to please? 


Not easily angered? ...am I quick-tempered? Do I lash out at others? Blame others for my problems? 


Free of records of wrongs? ...do I forgive, let go and let God? Always? 


One that rejoices in the truth? ...do I live my life like God is all I need? 


Protecting? ...do I seek to protect my heart and my children's hearts from the evils of the world? 


Always trusting, hoping and persevering? ...do I question the authority of love? Do I lose hope, give up? 


I know I have faith and hope, but I still feel something is missing. After examining this scripture, it's clear I'm lacking in love. It's no wonder I feel empty! 


This is a long list. And honestly exploring the TRUTHFULNESS of love is an ongoing exercise. For me, it will require making choices daily -- sometimes hourly -- to live a life that's driven by love. 


It will be hard. It goes against what we're taught by the world. It's a lifestyle that's not revered, and it sometimes requires us to admit we've messed up. But yesterday was a reminder for me that doubt = darkness, and I want to live in the light. The light fills me up ...with God, with faith, with hope and with love. He is all I need!

My sincerest thank you to you all!!

I just don't know how to do it. To adequately thank everyone. Some of you prayed. Some gave money. Some gave encouragement. Some gave advice. Some gave love. 


But only some got thank you notes. I FINALLY finished up my notes, though not all have been delivered. This is a big step, if you know me!


Ryker thought I should send one to everyone who prayed for my trip to Africa. I didn't even know how to begin to tackle that list. So I mailed out or handed out notes and prints to those who financially supported my trip. However, I want to say that while these people made it possible for me to pay the bills, my trip simply could not have been accomplished without the prayers. Or the encouragement. Or the love. Or the advice. 


You were all such a critical part of this very important project in my life, and for that I thank you. From the bottom of my heart. I'm not sure what that expression means. But it sounds like a deep gratitude. And that's certainly what I feel for all of you. 


Here are some of my favorite images from Africa that I gifted to some of you. Please follow the blog with stories from Sierra Leone at lifegateinafrica.org to get the full story on these photos and the people in them plus much more! 

{Much love}
Amy

Go for the SHOCK factor!

I've been emotionally charged and fired up since I first saw the Time magazine cover with a 3-year-old boy standing on a stool breastfeeding. Yet every time I've taken pen to paper, I can't find the words. 


The truth is the 'old me' could spew venom with words alongside the best of them. Just ask anyone who's been the recipient of one of my stinging emails in the past! They'll tell you. It's true. I can fire up hate in the written format. 


Or at least I could. But lately it seems God's given me this gift to mince words. Instead of reacting, I stop, breathe and contemplate my next move. Which always seems to be prayer. And then I'm suddenly at peace and don't feel the need to say or write anything, least of all hateful words. 


Well, at least I've perceived this as a gift until now. Because I'm angry about this, and it's causing some serious writer's block...and possibly profanity. Sorry about that. I'm so angry that I really want to write something using lots of four-letter words. You see I'm still struggling to find the right words, so please bear with me!


I have been praying, and I have been reading what others have to say about this intentionally shocking photograph. And it's interesting really, the conversations that are occurring. 


Sadly, all too often they're the wrong ones. Since I've stopped, breathed and prayed and still feel the need to voice my opinion, here it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care. It simply needs to come out. 


The supposed issue at hand in this divisive mothering article: attachment parenting. Good or not good?


I'm so sick and tired of the criticisms of moms and women, scattered throughout advertising and media in our country. Pitting woman against woman, forcing us to decide one way or another. As if there's only ONE right way to be a mom. Why have we not embraced the beauty of motherhood in all its diversity? 


I'll tell you why not. 


Time selected a 90-pound mother in skinny jeans for the cover shot. What an unrealistic portrayal of mother to begin with. What is the message we're sending here? The ONE right way to be a woman so typically and disgustingly predictable of the media. Thin. Fashionable. Blemish-free. Calm. In a word: Perfect. Just like these 'mommy wars' suggest there's only one way you can be the perfect mom. 


Pardon me, but it's simply bullshit.

No wonder our teenage girls are suffering from so many mental health issues that they carry right on into adulthood. 


Mind you I just returned from Africa, where literally a village will help raise a child because a mother couldn't possibly be expected to do it alone. Because that's the reality! There's no taboo about a woman exposing her breasts in public to nurse her baby, or toddler, or preschooler. Oh, the joy and beauty of open-mindedness!


So let's talk about the real issue here: we live in a society that thrives on comparisons and criticisms. If the so-called Joneses have it, then it must be good and we must all go get it. If you don't have what the Joneses have, there absolutely must be something wrong with you.


And so, here is my wish list for what the Joneses would get so the rest of us will go chasing it, too. Don't worry, it's not a long list. Are you ready?






























EYES LIKE GOD'S. 


So women will see themselves as the beautiful creations they are. 


So the media moguls will begin to portray women for what they really are: diverse and amazing. 


So we will stop picking at the specks in our sister's or brother's eyes. 


So we will help our neighbor in need. 


So we will serve one another the way Jesus so lovingly illustrated for us. 


So we will all be MOM ENOUGH! To love unconditionally. To care for, embrace and encourage ALL children, not just our own. 'Cause that's what women here used to do, you know, until we as a society decided there's something morally wrong with us helping one another out in this incredibly challenging task of raising our children to be the best they can be. 


Let's stop picking on moms. Because the truth is there are 143 million+ orphans who would take a mom regardless of whether or not she supports attachment parenting, prefers formula over breastfeeding, works outside the home or stays home, uses clothe diapers or disposable ones, allows her kids to have a cell phone or not. 


Do you see what I'm saying? These are NOT the real issues! 


According to UNICEF, there are more orphans than the entire population of Russia. 


Did you know....


Every day, 5,760 more children in our world become orphans? 


Every 2.2 seconds, an orphan ages out with no family or home. 


Older orphans are often victimized. They are prone to abuse, suicide, prostitution, slavery, being turned into child soldiers and immorality. 


If you think for a moment this isn't your problem, this is where you're wrong. These children aren't all in developing countries. There are hundreds of thousands of them in the foster care system in the United States. There are neglected and abused children and orphans in your community.


Every year, about 25,000 children age out of foster care at age 18. Of them: 
* 25 percent become homeless. 
* 56 percent enter the unemployment ranks. 
* 27 percent of emancipated male foster children end up in jail. 
* 30 percent of emancipated female foster children experience early parenthood. 


What if we took all the energy that is necessary to perpetuate these myths, these lies about womanhood and motherhood and used them to create good? 


Time magazine isn't the only one that can go for the shock factor. Let's start a movement that goes against the expectations for humankind! Let's BE MOM ENOUGH to change these statistics. 


Because the truth is if we really have eyes like God, together we can change the numbers. 




“Defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless; Maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Deliver the weak and needy from the hand of the wicked.” Psalm 82:3-4

Get your idea to the marketplace!

I want to be inspired to follow through, to be determined, to not be persuaded by negative voices. I want to commit these thoughts to memory this week. They were reminders offered wisely and concisely in this book , and so I'm sharing as a way to remind myself of the power behind these specific words for me and to encourage you. If you want to read more, the book is The Legend of the Monk and the Merchant by Terry Felber. A very quick, very good read that holds 12 keys to successful (Biblical) living. I read it in sections throughout one day. 


Here are two excerpts: 


p. 48
"There are a lot of great ideas. But if we allow the negative influences of others to stop us, then we will never accomplish anything. The truth is, most people are always 'waiting to begin,' but few ever actually get on the pathway of success."


"Yes, but if God wants you to succeed, won't he bless you regardless of what you do?"


"That is one of  the great misunderstandings that we often have of God. You see, God does want to bless us. But he will only bless what we actually put our hands to. God wants us to seek his guidance and then work hard. In fact, Paul once said that if a man doesn't work, he shouldn't eat. Those are pretty strong words. But God wants us to understand the importance of diligence."


p. 63-64
"It's true that some people see wealth or resources as a single pie. They think if someone gets too big of a piece, then there won't be enough left for anyone else. It's just not true. You see, unlike this one pie, God's resources are infinite. And his will is to prosper us, so that we can in turn help expand his kingdom here on earth. God can make as many pies as he pleases."

Community and Cans

Sometimes being a mom can be a lonely proposition. In all the busyness, we forget (don't we?) that we're part of something bigger? 


But I can always rely on God to remind me of how big he is, and he lifts me up and gives me perspective. And that's just what happened on Tuesday this week. 


It was Girls on the Run day, and I was set to lead the session. On community. Blah. Seemed boring at first glance, but as I studied the words and prayed about how to share them, a transformation began to happen. Hope started blossoming. Hope in the girls. Hope FOR the girls. Hope for ALL girls.


With two very simple activities, they learned this about community: 


1. For a community (ie. work project, team, family, village) to run smoothly, everyone has to do their part and do it correctly. We have to put our trust in others for the good of a common cause. We have to rely on each other. They illustrated this in a circle, with half the group leaning their weight out and half leaning in.  


2. To effect change, all we have to do is reach out to one or two people. The girls did a relay and when the first girl on each team returned to the line, she tagged two girls instead of one, and those two tagged two. And in no time at all, they finished the race. 


It reminded me that when problems seem too big for me to tackle alone, well, they probably are too big. And that's why we reach out. That's why we rely on others. We can make BIG, BIG changes to make the world a better place, and it all starts with making contact with one or two other people, who (when passionate about your cause) make contact with one or two people and so on.


That night, we gathered on our bed to read our Bible. And I'm sure we're behind significantly on our plan, but we must  be right where God wants us. We read Mark 4:30-32 where God tells his disciples the parable of the mustard seed -- the smallest of all seeds but when planted becomes the largest of all garden plants. He compared it to the kingdom of God. 
Ryker said he liked the story, but I wasn't entirely sure of its meaning, so I asked Dan to read the footnote in his study Bible. It said: "When you feel alone in your stand for Christ, realize that God is building a worldwide kingdom. He has faithful followers in every part of the world. Your faith, no matter how small, can join with that of others to accomplish great things."


WOW. After traveling to Africa and seeing GREAT faith in the villages where often that's all people have to rely on because there isn't adequate healthcare, enough food or a trustworthy government, it reminded me that while I am small, I am truly part of something HUGE! Because they rely on God, and God uses his army of Christians to provide help to these small villages and in all corners of the world. 


On Thursday, the Girls on the Run girls got together and brainstormed ideas for their community project. They were randomly numbered off by one of the other coaches, and on one of the teams were several girls who go to my church. Two whose families are collecting aluminum cans to donate. They're being sold by one of our pastors. To buy rice. For kids in an orphanage in an African village that I had visited during my trip. Their idea for a community service project: invite everyone in the community to donate their aluminum and imagine the rice we can buy for the orphans!
Each of the three teams submitted ideas, and this one won by a landslide! 


I love the concept of community being taught to these girls, because it's such a CRITICAL lesson! But how beautiful that God used it as an opportunity to remind our family of how a faithful community is rewarded with the gift of being able to accomplish great things in his name! 

Here are some of the beautiful kids from the orphanage, currently located in Waterloo, Sierra Leone. If you would like to donate aluminum cans or other aluminum to help with the Girls on the Run project, please call me at 801.7464 or drop off your donation on my porch before next Wednesday. Thanks for being part of the Girls on the Run community, which is making a difference for the Children's Redemption Orphanage Home community in Africa!

Cell phones: A new OCD?

I had been contemplating adding unlimited texting on my phone, and then I read a blog post "How to Miss a Childhood" that a friend of mine posted on Facebook today. 


It was a stark reminder. My cell phone is a deadly trap. When it's in my hand, I become addicted. Checking emails, looking at Facebook, seeing if anyone called the house to schedule a photo shoot. Using all of my six text messages I'm allowed daily. And I forget. I forget about what is. Right. In. Front. Of. Me. Well, not WHAT necessarily but WHO. 


I say this to remind myself that I'm not perfect. Some days I am on my phone a lot. But thank the good Lord I am absent-minded because I often lose track of it. My phone seems to go missing all-too often, sinking to the dark abyss at the bottom of my purse, lost between couch cushions or trapped under a pile of dirty dishes on the kitchen counter. And this, my friends, is a BLESSING. Because then I can focus on what I should be focusing on. Losing my cell phone frequently is really the best thing that happens to me every week. It's a gift from God, I think!


Then I am captive to -- the Bible sitting on my bedside table, a friend I have a cherished lunch date with, a game of catch with my son, a deep conversation with my daughter and a much-needed face-to-face conversation with my husband. 


And I don't know about you, but I prefer in all the above situations if the person on the other end doesn't have a death grip on their cell phone while we're interacting. I feel more loved. I feel like the other person WANTS to be there, to hear me, to give me all of their attention at that moment like I'm the MOST important thing going on just then. I don't want to take a backseat to my loved one's electronic device, so why would I ever make my kids feel that way? My beloved husband? Why would I ever sprawl out with my Bible in one hand and my phone in the other, lest I miss a text. And then also miss what God wants me to know at this very moment that could -- yes, change the course of my life. 


Really? Do we have to ask what is more important? We all already know! And so WHY? WHY do we become enslaved to our phones? 


Wake up moms and dads!! We are raising up the next generation, and what message does it send to them if they sink below our almighty phone on the hierarchy of what's important to us in this short life we're given? It's not a single act, your responding to a text during basketball game with your kids; it's your mindset that anytime, anywhere you hear the ding of your phone -- a text, email, call, Facebook post -- it takes priority. It's not just a couple seconds; it's the message behind it. Repeated. Over. And. Over. In front of your kids. Your spouse. Your friends. Your boss. You, my dear, have an obsession really. Not for them but for an inanimate object that has taken priority over all.


We've all done it a time or two. Some can't seem to stop. But it seems impolite to talk about this problem to adults and especially to teenagers, a generation we've churned out that seems endlessly glued to their phones.


So what are we to do? It's time to establish some rules -- for our kids with phones and for ourselves. Everybody's different, but there should be some guidelines for each of us! Let's model what will work best in our families:


* Set aside five minutes in every hour to check for and reply to texts. Don't go over five minutes! Do it at the top of the hour and then don't pull out your phone again until the next hour. 


* Do the same for email and Facebook. Except limit it to once or twice a day, and put a cap on the total time.


* Turn your phone off when you are engaging in ANY activity with another human being. Plain and simple. Or if you are expecting an important call, let the other person know, and then only answer that call -- not every text that comes while you're waiting. 


* Leave your phone behind. That's right. Keep it at home when you go to your child's play or sporting event. Do you really need it? People survived without them for years and years. Really. They did. It's true, you know!


* Fast from texting, your phone, Facebook or from all electronics for a day...then a week. Try it. Journal about it. See how it changes your life!


* Give it up entirely. Take texting off your phone. Get rid of Facebook. Give up your phone. Whatever it takes to put your relationships back in order. Get what I'm saying? Like anything else, your phone can become an addiction. If it has for you, take action before you lose the things you really love!


Want to read more? Here's the blog post that inspired mine: HOW TO MISS A CHILDHOOD

A T-shirt design from Zazzle.

African kids are so ... awesome!

Brigette Village is a fishing community, so the beach is often where the action is and we spent a fair amount of time camped out there. I took photos from lots of angles above and then walked down to get some shots and stories of the men fishing, mending nets and selling their catches to the women who were waiting on the beach for the boats to come in. All the while, there were others there selling and working. I got so caught up in the beautiful, busy scene, I didn't notice I was the only woman on the beach without a scarf on my head. Rick got scolded by a man and brought me a scarf. Not wanting to pause for a break, I simply threw it on my head and continued. But there's quite a breeze on the beach, and it wouldn't stay put. All the women have their scarves tied in different ways, creating fashion statements with beautiful material. I figured it couldn't be too hard to tie it up and make it stay put. But I was wrong! I handed Rick my camera and fumbled through trying to tie the scarf, getting nowhere fast. A group of children following me (they follow white people everywhere!) included a couple giggling girls. So, I looked at them and asked if they could do it for me. I wasn't sure they would understand (few speak English), but I bent down and they fixed me right up in about 15 seconds. :-) 

The next day, we visited a neighboring village and used a high school classroom to hear testimonies. I stepped outside to take photos and interview some of the adult church members. And low and behold, the children all came running out of the school to see what the white people were doing. I kind of felt like a rock star. 

And just look at their precious faces!

While we were waiting for our ride, we all thought Paula might disappear in the sea of children. The pastors tried persuading them back to their classrooms, but like most children, they didn't want to miss any of the excitement going on in the village!

Smiles in Africa

Everywhere I went, children yelled, "Snap me!" Nobody seemed afraid or hesitant to have their photograph taken. 

But while many children would grin from ear-to-ear when a camera turned toward them, adults had a way of shutting off any happy expressions. Nearly every grownup I photographed had to be urged to smile with their teeth. And I have to say, the urging was nearly necessary, because how much more personality do you see behind the toothy grins? Special thanks to Rick Miller and Pastor 'Professor' 'Doctor' Justus for helping get some authentic smiles....totally worth it!