Feeling empty; Lacking love

Do you ever feel empty? 


Oh, that's just me? 


Well, I (somewhat begrudgingly) admit it: Sometimes I feel empty -- an emptiness that can't be explained. The world tells us this isn't OK. I mean, look at all the STUFF at our disposal to fill up our "emptiness." Big homes. Fast, shiny, big, beautiful bright cars. RVs. Boats. Four wheelers. Swimming pools. Fashion. Furniture. Art. Gadgets upon gadgets. Social media. Pinterest. 


Why on earth would anyone feel empty?


And yet, I do. Perhaps that's where I've gone wrong. Maybe, just maybe that's why I feel so buried, so insecure. Could it be that I've been reaching for STUFF, instead of to the ONE who can fill me up? 


Yesterday, in the depths of despair I cried out to God. Then felt slighted when he didn't show up with an answer. "I have faith," I insisted, in anger. "And I know you'll answer my prayers. Please show up here!"


Nothing.


I was left alone, I felt, with only the rambling thoughts of emptiness inside. Chief among those scattered thoughts were worries. A broken car. No job/income. Medical bills. And this unceasing desire to do more -- sponsor an orphan, feed hungry children, end the injustices I've seen firsthand in developing countries -- all the while being unable to care for my own family.


I speak as if I have faith, and I believe I do. I have left it in his hands, and I KNOW he will provide. And I know things take time, and I know he's growing me in this season of life. I do trust him!


Yet, in the midst of this, I look at what everyone else has, and I'm jealous. A jealousy that makes me angry. "I just want to pay my bills and help needy children...why can't I have more resources, God, when I want to use them to honor and glorify you?"


Is it any coincidence that I'm currently reading a book entitled "The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged?"


I'm not sure why it continually amazes me that he meets me where I am. 


That emptiness, could it be a longing? A longing to be affirmed, valued, loved, appreciated, assured, connected, desired, celebrated, cared for and included as the author has suggested? 


Could it be that this is EXACTLY how God designed us? So that we would fill this emptiness, not with things of the world, but with him. Things, stuff and even people are unreliable. God is not. 


He may not always give us exactly what we want or ask for, but he's there. Always. And he knows our pain. He's experienced it firsthand. He chose to come to us as man, as Jesus, who endured it all -- physical pain, emotional pain, suffering, temptations, hunger, exhaustion, mocking, death. 


So it was reassuring to me as I read last night this passage in the book: 


"The real difficulty is that the unseen God is also hard to understand. His actions often don't make sense to us, and He doesn't look at things at all the way we do...


"To our limited understand, God's ways are mysterious and often counterintuitive. There are even times when, for reasons we can't fathom, God hides himself completely from us. When that happens, it's so easy for us to get wrong ideas about him. We get all mixed up about what we can see and what we can't see. And that's when we may fall into the trap of wanting to tell God what to do."


Wow. 'Cause that's exactly where I was yesterday. Telling God what to do, in the midst of my anger and confusion. 


Yes, I have faith. But I was reminded from 1 Corinthians 13:2 "...and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

Do I have love? Yes, I would answer. 


But then as I examine the rest of the passage, it makes me wonder, is my love: 


Patient? ...never grumbling about life's circumstances but trusting my needs will be met? 


Kind?  ...putting others above myself, not just occasionally but all the time? 


Free of envy and boastfulness? ...satisfied with what I have, who I am and where I'm at in life? ...free of bragging and boasting? 


A love that is not not self-seeking? ...who is it I want to please? 


Not easily angered? ...am I quick-tempered? Do I lash out at others? Blame others for my problems? 


Free of records of wrongs? ...do I forgive, let go and let God? Always? 


One that rejoices in the truth? ...do I live my life like God is all I need? 


Protecting? ...do I seek to protect my heart and my children's hearts from the evils of the world? 


Always trusting, hoping and persevering? ...do I question the authority of love? Do I lose hope, give up? 


I know I have faith and hope, but I still feel something is missing. After examining this scripture, it's clear I'm lacking in love. It's no wonder I feel empty! 


This is a long list. And honestly exploring the TRUTHFULNESS of love is an ongoing exercise. For me, it will require making choices daily -- sometimes hourly -- to live a life that's driven by love. 


It will be hard. It goes against what we're taught by the world. It's a lifestyle that's not revered, and it sometimes requires us to admit we've messed up. But yesterday was a reminder for me that doubt = darkness, and I want to live in the light. The light fills me up ...with God, with faith, with hope and with love. He is all I need!