Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Not-so-great days

Today is one for me. One of those terrible, horrible, no good, very bad days, from the book of the same name. Maybe you remember it. It's not a tragic day, just one where nothing goes right for poor Alexander!

So I've been not feeling great for a few months. Not awful, just not great. It started late in the year when I began to have facial pains. My jaw, my ears, my forehead, my cheekbones. After weeks of enduring it, I had to take a sick kid to Prompt Care, so I mentioned to the doctor that I might have a sinus infection. He gives me antibiotics. It works. The pain is gone. 

For a while. Then it returns, and the dentist I see the day after Christmas tells me I'm clenching my teeth at night, which is causing the pain. Then she quits her job to stay home with her kids, so I've not followed up on that. 

A couple weeks ago, the pain returned. I can't decide what it is....clenching teeth or sinus infection?? Dan — who knows someone whose wife died from a sinus infection and doesn't take this lightly — finally convinces me to call the doctor, so I do. 

I call; get put on hold; then get hung up on. I call back. The scheduling assistant says (in kinda a snarky tone), "I just booked the last appointment with your doctor." 

I'm thinking....yep, the one that would have been mine if I hadn't been hung up on. Whatever. 

"Do you have anything open for Friday?" 

She sighs like it's a terribly inconvenient question, puts me on hold and then comes back, "Nope, but you can try back for same-day scheduling on Friday."

So then I say, "Well, I did get hung up on the first time I called and probably would have got an appointment. Is there anyone I can see this week?" 

Then she says, "There's nothing I can do about that," in a tone that suggests I've offended her. "What's your problem anyway?"

Ugh. I'd love to talk to my doctor, but I guess I'll head to Prompt Care later today. 

So then a couple hours into the morning I find out that Mighty Strong Girls did not win the $14,000 grant I had applied for. Honestly, I'm not surprised. But I'm feeling regretful that I subconsciously put fundraising on hold as we waited for this decision. How stupid! Now I feel like I'm three months behind and have lots of catching up to do. 

Plus, I'm sad. Because it means we probably aren't going to be able to print the summer issue. Maybe we won't be able to print any issues this year. I'm still raising funds to pay off debt from the launch of the ministry. I feel kind of like an idiot for staking so much on this grant!

This is not tragic. But it's a realization that things really aren't going my way. (And it kind of makes me want to stomp my feet and scream like a toddler having a temper tantrum!)

I start to feel a little pity party coming on, and then I realize I had a couple unread emails this morning. So I distract myself with those and come upon my daily devotion, which opens with this scripture: 

Many plans are in a man’s heart, but the counsel of the LORD will stand. PROVERBS 19:21

Ahhh! Thanks for the reminder, God! 

Developing something slowly and correctly almost always wins over fast and viral. Things take time, and good things are always worth waiting for!

All of my marketing and fundraising blogs I follow have been VERY hard-hitting on this point lately. Doing things right means investing in serving the people you want to serve, developing relationships and building trust. 


So while I sit here trying to "figure things out," it occurs to me that I need MORE of two things — gratitude and forgiveness.  

I can — and should — regularly count my blessings. 

* We are nearly in the black with our budget! 
* We have a wonderful team of women and girls guiding this ship. Thank you God for not calling me to do this on my own, but for surrounding me with a most AMAZING team! 
* We are investing in a small, core group of girls whose lives are changing and who are already in turn investing in the lives of other girls! Praise God! 
* More than 1,000 girls/women are reading the magazine online! 
* Our new advisory board is giving us WONDERFUL feedback that we can use to serve them better!
* Families are investing! We have seven families who are regular givers with automatic bank withdrawals and others who are giving when they can. We are more than halfway to the level of sustaining our ministry in its current format! 
* There are more partners out there. God will put the right partners in our path and meet our needs!
* We have the partnership of many, many other ministries. And the prayers of so many people! 

But here's the other thing that occurred to me. I need to forgive myself for not doing more. I promised when I began down this path that I would do what God called, but I would keep my priorities in order: God, family, ministry. To do more would honestly throw them out of whack, and I know that's not what God would want. My money problems that I like to blame on Mighty Strong Girls are mine. I need to own them and do something about it, because I cannot serve my family if we cannot buy groceries. Yes, God will provide, but I must also do my part!

This morning, I got real short with my kids after my conversation with the not-so-friendly scheduling assistant that put us behind schedule on our way out the door. It upset Abby, who doesn't like it when I yell. And I was yelling at Ryker, not her, but it didn't matter. 

I HAD to apologize. And then I explained why I was grumpy and asked if they had ideas about what I should do. Abby's response was, "Punch her lights out!" 

Isn't that "our" response when we have a bad day? How many of us go right to anger and hatred when someone mistreats us? This is how our world teaches us to deal with negative people — retaliation. Is it any wonder bullying is so out of control? Just look at Facebook and Twitter. It's like a sounding board for adult negativity! 

So, we had a conversation. About forgiveness. And why it's important. I explained to Abby that it didn't matter that she treated me poorly, and for all we know, maybe she even had a good reason. Perhaps she heard some devastating news about a family member. I don't know what her motivation is. But I do know this. 

I can pray. I can pray that if her heart is hurting, God would heal it. I can truly forgive her for being rude and mean, and then drop my emotional baggage about the conversation at the foot of the cross. Forgiveness, you know, isn't about right and wrong. It's about letting God sort it out while I focus on my priorities. And frankly, being mad at a woman I don't know has no fit in my life's puzzle! 

Might it be that these feelings and emotions, the wishing and envisioning of MY WAY about the grant and the way I think Mighty Strong Girls should go are at the root of my own physical pain? Or in the very least, an aggravating factor to the pain? 

I've been meditating on the verse Philippians 4:13 a lot lately, for no apparent reason other than it's where my mind is wandering. And I've been thinking about how popular this verse is, how quoted it is and how I learned about a year ago that the verse is taken out of the context that Paul wrote it in. 

You see, in the midst of the promise that we can "do all things through Christ," Paul wanted us to know that the reason we can is because we've learned to be content. How many of us really think of the verse this way? How many of us have learned contentment? How many of us even WANT to be content on bad days, on awful days? 

No, this verse isn't one we should use for empowerment in the sense that it's our God-ordained destiny to conquer and do whatever we want. Sorry to burst your bubble if this is why you like the verse! What Paul really wanted us to know is that God wants us to learn to be content, no matter what life throws our way. And that might be a bad day or a tragic day — days, situations and circumstances that we will overcome because we can "do all things through Christ," even those things we'd never imagine doing or worse, would ever even want to do. 

So today, I'm dumping all kinds of baggage at the foot of Calvary. I'm praying for contentment. I'm praying for reliance on God and His will. I'm praying God's earnest plans to prevail in it all. After all, Mighty Strong Girls is HIS, not mine. He will find a way, and my ONLY job is to stand ready to recognize it, act when told to act, and allow His plans to prevail! 

Sometimes, dear friends, bad days are really good days in disguise. God brought me where He wanted me so He could teach me something far more valuable than a $14,000 grant. 

Isn't His wisdom just mind-blowingly amazing? 

{Wishing you a good day in disguise!}
Amy