Have you ever had a time in your life when God revealed how much He loves you in a way that really only He can? And you know without a doubt that He cares for your every desire?
Recently, He did that for me. When my husband asked what I wanted for my 40th birthday, I said, "It's going to sound strange, but what I really want is a quiet weekend of just me to pray and write and revel in what God has done for me." This in itself is a huge deal, as two years ago I got this accidentally and didn't want it — until I realized how much I NEEDED it!
Anyway, I knew even saying it that I shouldn't because we don't have the budget for it. And I just had plenty of quiet time in Sierra Leone. But I still have a lot I need to digest and write from that trip, and a quiet weekend was exactly what I was craving.
God also knows we need an inexpensive but nice place to hold a retreat for our editorial board of teen girls. But money was again a big barrier.
Then, He did what only He can do and answered two prayers in one.
My girlfriend Jan was calling around to places to see what a retreat would cost when she called one that said they had been praying about partnering with a faith-based organization for girls. Her call was literally an answer to their prayers, as much as they were an answer to ours.
They extended an invitation for us to go stay (FOR FREE) to share our vision, visit their retreat center and pray with them.
Get this? The invitation was for this weekend....two days after my 40th birthday.
And if we liked it, they wanted to cut the cost in half for our girls retreat.
Our God is so good!
The weekend didn't go as planned, but it seemed to mirror life. Things don't always go the way we attempt to construct them, but when we hand over the steering wheel to God, His grace is sufficient.
We didn't get to pray as much as we wanted. We got lost on the way there, and then wandered for more than three hours on Saturday. I got a migraine and was incapacitated for several hours that night, derailing our plans, and then Jan had to take care of me. Talk about humbling. Then I had some insomnia Saturday night and woke up in a total fog on Sunday from the migraine and medication.
We left, and I was definitely feeling frustrated. Plus guilty for feeling like I didn't get my "gift" of rest and relaxation and writing. We didn't pray as much as I had hoped. It seemed, as I reflected, like the weekend was a flop.
Sitting at Starbucks, I started sharing this with Jan. More than anything, I was surprised to realize how much I missed my children and husband — despite homeschooling this year and probably really, really needing a break. I was craving their presence.
It was there at Starbucks we started having a break through. We laid down our expectations, allowed each other freedom to be real, and then (and only then) did God begin to reveal some things to us.
He was speaking to both of us about the same ideas and scriptures that morning before we talked. And so we left Starbucks in a state of prayer, praying all the way from Charleston to Decatur.
It occurred to me that like I wanted my children — simply their presence and nothing else — was what God wanted from me. He didn't want an outline for the weekend or an agenda or an expectation. He just wanted me. Wholly, honestly and authentically. And that is where He met me, when I finally had the nerve to be honest and lay down expectations, plans and insecurities.
If I learned nothing else, it was that I NEED to start every day laying it all down, being honest with God and choosing to believe. I must believe He is who He says He is and that He wants a relationship with me that is real and personal. I must make the choice every day, sometimes every hour, to have faith. So my daily morning prayer in 2014 will simply be this:
Lord, Help me with my unbelief. I invite you to be in my life right now and walk beside me without any expectations but just a relationship.
If this prayer is what I got out of the weekend, it was such a gift. But as I unravel His message on Sunday to Jan and to me, I believe His gift was so much more. And soon, we'll get to share it at retreats and conferences and multiple God's love for us. On top of it all, what we thought would take a weekend to accomplish God did over a cup of coffee and a prayer on the way home. He is sufficient, and He is just that amazing!
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