My food addiction revelation

     So I'm standing in the mirror, just after a shower and getting frustrated at yet another hive-pimple breakout on my cheek. 
     And I have this ah-ha moment that's kind of depressing. I realize I have to admit something. Not just to myself, but to this blog and to anyone who will listen. Because God told me to share. (Read yesterday's entry.) 
     (Side note: It's really a big DANG IT moment, because I don't know about you, but I HATE admitting my weaknesses. Some people call that prideful. It's genetic in my neck of the woods.) 
     I am addicted to food. Sugary food. Chocolate food. Unhealthy food. All food. 
     I have a real problem. Really. I have a really real problem with food. 
     There. It's out. It hurts. 
     Right before my shower, I hate a fourth of a half-gallon of Praire Farms ice cream. It sat in my fridge for well over a week, and nobody ate it. So today in a moment of weakness that was just like all the others I had in the week that I was somehow able to overcome, I succumbed to it. I don't know why this time was different. I certainly was able to ignore that mouth-watering picture of a cow (Just kidding, cows don't make my mouth water. Well, maybe a little) a dozen other times I opened the freezer this week. But today, I ate it. I intended to eat just two bites. You know, because the "experts" say you really only need a couple bites to satisfy a craving. (What do they know?) 
     I bargained with myself. 
     I'll eat just a little more than that. 
     In my mind, I visually carved out a section that would be "acceptable" to eat. The smaller portion on the left side of the container, which was really just a few more bites than the two I intended. Then I decided I would eat from that carton until the computer finally opened a program I was waiting to use. 
     But the computer was so slow. Another bite. Then another. I was eating as slow as the computer was working. So, you can see, it wasn't really my fault I ate it all, because it was the darn computer. The longer I waited for the computer to open the program, the more frustrated I became. The more frustrated I became, the more I justified the food in my hand. 
     It wasn't my fault, after all. It was the stupid computer. 
     Then I went to hide the ice cream container in the trash, which was overflowing. So I stuffed it in the bag, put something bigger over it and took the trash out to the garage. 
     I dusted off my hands — mission covert food addiction accomplished — and hopped in the shower. 
     There's NO DOUBT my complexion is related to the sugar or the dairy,  both of which I can hardly tolerate in large amounts. My reflection tells me a truth I don't want to acknowledge, and it doesn't lie. 
     But here's another truth. I'm normally so much better with food choices. I had been freed from the pain and suffering caused by years of abusive eating more than a year ago thanks to my full-body cellular cleansing and fat-burning replenishment system via Isagenix. 
      Well, I thought I was. 
     I used my pregnancy — not as an excuse, because excuses are excusable. Rather I used my pregnancy to justify something I should not be doing. That carried over in breastfeeding. Don't ask how, but in my mind, it all made sense. Extra calories. Pampering my body, which was suffering the ups and downs — mostly downs — of pregnancy and then caring for a newborn. And the struggles of early breastfeeding. 
     You may be wondering why this is any big deal at all. I mean, is ice cream bad? Most people don't think so in the slightest. 
      The truth is, yes and no. This product is made of ingredients that make me sick. They make everyone sick, if we're honest, but they make me sicker than most people. And I KNOW in my heart that I can satisfy that craving with something healthy. I also KNOW I could have stopped at two bites. I also KNOW I could have recognized the signs a few more bites in that I was emotionally eating. I also KNOW that I was playing games to justified my bad choice. 
     I guess I'm making progress, because I'm seeing it more clearly now, even if in retrospective. I understand what I'm doing. I know it's wrong, and I want to make right choices. I want to make right choices because I've cleansed my body, which helped me in all ways with cravings. I know that a clean body wants what it needs, not what's sitting in the freezer. And I know when my body is alkaline and clean, it functions so much better. Gone is the restlessness, the mental fog and the lack of energy throughout the day. My pain was resolved once I made better choices in my diet. My eating habits made my body function better, and I was much happier. That's right, eating good food (which doesn't include Prairie Farms ice cream, believe it or not!) made me happier. Feed the body, fuel the mind!
     Yet here I was stumbling. I had just told my husband two days earlier I had a food addiction. I admitted that I had bought a Reese's PB cup in the store checkout that day. 
     So what, he said. That doesn't mean you're addicted to food.  
     Bless him. He's so nice. He loves me, and he doesn't want me to feel bad about myself. He never has. So in a way, he helps me justify. I don't want him to help me justify. I want to be free again. 
     I hid the wrapper in a zipper pocket of my purse, I said. 

Evidence of my food addiction can be found tucked away in undisclosed locations. 

     It's not like it was the first time, I said, but just in my head this time. 
     I realized that it's a thing I do. It's a thing I've always done. 
     Sure, there are some people who eat giant stacks of Oreos and 65-ounce sodas out in the open. They may know it's bad or that it's unhealthy. Heck, they may even realize they have a food addiction. They may be struggling. I don't know, because they aren't me. I just know my food addiction is a covert one. It's hard for me to admit. I think the ones who do it openly might have more integrity than me. But let's be honest, a food addiction is dangerous and the struggle is real no matter where the battleground is. 
     Even harder than food addiction, at least for me, is admitting that the food controls me. I allow the food to control me. I'm out of control. 
     I said this to my husband, tears streaming down my face. He made some joke about how he was on his second lunch. He was. But both were relatively healthy. I don't see him binging on ice cream. Ever. 
     Besides, I said. I'm not here to condemn or point out anyone else's eating habits. I am here to say, I have a problem, and I need help. 
     The truth is Isagenix was a tool that helped me overcome the food addiction I wasn't even admitting I had a year ago. Now that I KNOW I have a problem, I'm using the fact that I can't cleanse as an excuse to further justify my bad behavior. 
     I still have some tools. The products I can eat have some qualities to assist me with the addiction, plus I can utilize Rod Hairston's wonderful new coaching program for a healthy mind and body. (I'm in heaven about this addition to a company that already stands for integrity and completeness in everything it does!) And I still and always have the power of prayer. Now, I can add to my tools that I have knowledge, which I've been told is power. (Ha! See how I did that there?)
     Much as I hated admitting I'm addicted to food, God — in his infinite wisdom — blessed me with a girl's writing yesterday to confirm that I am SUPPOSED to share this with you. Isabelle Loux has written about her struggles with anxiety and depression, writing I'm blessed that she's allowing to be published in Mighty Strong Girls. But the truth is, her perspective has blessed me as the writing of so many girls in this ministry has! 
     They constantly remind me that we don't get help in the dark. We MUST bring our struggles into the light. There, we find hope, mercy, Jesus, forgiveness and community. We discover we aren't alone, and mostly importantly, we help one another. 
     If this resonates with you, then join me, please. Help me be accountable, and I'll help you. Let's live this struggle out — in the light. Let this post be the start of a conversation, and let's get really real with one another!

The long awaited sonogram didn't provide the answers we were hoping for!

      I wasn't prepared for this. 
     Well, maybe a little. 
     A week before I stood staring with my jaw drooping to the floor, positive pregnancy test in hand, we finally made a decision to move forward with adoption. In an all-new way. All four of us decided we were equipped to handle a baby. We could logistically do it. We were mentally and emotionally prepared. We would go through classes and become a foster family to a newborn. It was settled. 
     And then the unthinkable happened. Six weeks shy of my 41st birthday I discovered that the two missed periods weren't symptomatic of pre-menapause. Or some fluke.
     Immediately, my doctor sprung into action. Blood test in the next three hours. Immediate appointment. She even came in at 8 a.m. on the first morning of her week off to see me. 
     Because. Because of my age, I am HIGH RISK. 
     Frankly, it seemed like more hype than necessary. I just ran a 10-mile race — seven more miles than I'd ever ran consecutively before 2014. I was down 22 pounds and feeling better than I did when I was in my 20s! I felt WAY more healthy than I did in my early pregnancies with the other two. 
     Didn't matter. Statistically speaking, I have a higher rate of complications. So does the baby. 
     Speaking of the baby's risks, I had taken prednisone in early December for a freaky outbreak of poison oak or ivy that was all over my arm and face. It was not a super high dose, but it wasn't a low dose either. 
     My doctor looked at the dates and decided rather than send me to a neonatal specialist, she would check closely for birth defects at our sonogram at 20 weeks. Specifically she mentioned mid-line birth defects of the heart, spine and possible cleft lip/palate. 
     That day came on Monday, and I was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was going to show up and the results would indicate what a perfect baby I was carrying. That He would give me peace and comfort that the medicine hadn't done damage. 
     I should have known better. 
     She was wiggly and uncooperative. She spun to put her back to the "camera" and there were no good images to be had of her heart, lower spine or face. Everything else they could see just fine, especially the fact that she is a SHE. Except the places where we wanted reassurance. 
     I was angry. Because a few weeks earlier I had read a study that sonogram technology has been linked to autism/ADHD/neurological issues. I decided on the spot that we wouldn't do another one. So God HAD to show up. Right? Ugh! So why had he abandoned me?
     We had a wonderful chat with our doctor, who was honest and admitted there are risks doing another sonogram. She didn't do all the recommended sonograms on her own pregnancy. She supported our decision after she had already told us that everything they could see on the images suggested that this baby is very, very healthy. So am I and so is the pregnancy. 
     Dan and I have peace in that if there is a defect, we live in a community with the very best doctors and medical resources. Our girl will be fine. We will be fine. Even if everything isn't perfect. 
     Life is really never perfect anyhow. It's a little broken. And a little messy. And a little unpredictable. And a lot challenging. 
     Which is why we (especially me!) NEED God. That's where I should have known better. Each time I make a step of faith, I find myself in an imperfect spot. In other words, just because I trusted God and He helped me through a situation doesn't mean He's done with me. 
     Instead, there's another step I must take. Sometimes a bigger one or a harder one than the last. It's simple really. If I didn't need Him, I might let go. But He isn't letting me. This sonogram result is really a gift, reminding me that no matter how smart technology is and no matter how much I think I can handle something on my own, I'm really hopeless and helpless without Him by my side. 
     As I worked through my anger with Him for not providing this reassurance, this answer to prayer, I realized sometimes He's answering even bigger prayers of ours. I would never want to be estranged from Him, especially in my hardest hours. Especially as I continue to be bombarded with information — like statistics about stillborn babies born to older moms — and people's insane opinions that we're too old (and consequently stupid) to "let" this happen. (For the record, we had two types of infertility but just went on a super foods diet and cleanse with an amazing company!) 
     I have a confession to make, and it's hard for me to make it. Because it shows how vulnerable and untrusting and hard-hearted I am. These comments and stories and statistics have made me detached. Fear of losing the baby has made me less engaged in this pregnancy. Less excited. Less hopeful. Sadly, I realized today that a detached mom is never a good mom. 
     A baby is ALWAYS a blessing. I realized if the baby doesn't live a day outside the womb, it's still my job (and my greatest privilege) to be the best mom I can be until the point that I'm no longer a mom to this girl or my other children. 
     So I made a decision that I will begin bonding with this sweet, active girl right now. Just like my amazing son, who has been reading stories and books to the baby since before she could read. Yes, I think I will have faith like his. Faith like a child. 

New Year, New YOU!

     Well, that's a deceiving title. I don't know if there will be a NEW YOU in 2015, but I do know there will be a NEW ME!
     I love fresh starts, do-overs, blank pages. I am a writer, after all, and there's nothing more inspiring than a new page to start a new story. I've been thinking a lot about my New Year's post, mostly because last year I was in Sierra Leone and coming off of one of the worst years in my life. I didn't write a New Year's post. I was in a not-so-good place. 2013 was a crappy year — one I KNEW I didn't want to repeat. 
     Yet, I was afraid to write down a thing. Because, you see, 2013 started on a very positive note. And it just got worse and worse until it ended in what seemed like an abyss of darkness. I could hardly bear the thought of writing out goals and starting out a positive note when so much "could" go wrong. 
     So I started out wrong. I cried at my annual doctor appointment in January, and I moped around in self pity for a few months. I became my own worst enemy. I didn't mean to; it just kind of happened gradually.
     Then I decided that if I wanted God to answer my prayers, I better use the brain He gave me to make better choices. 
     He made it clear before I began that it all hinged on one thing. Get over the pity party. God reminded me that He loved me in the miserable, pathetic place where I was living, and before I did anything, I better love the girl in the mirror. Because He did. And so did my husband. It was time for my most important choice of all. LOVE MYSELF JUST AS I AM, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, KNOWING SHE MIGHT NEVER CHANGE A BIT. 
     Just like that, I did. A few months into what appeared to be the crappy start to another crappy year, I set my goal. My one goal. 
     In April/May, I decided I was going to take the best care of myself that I humanly could and make the best choices I was financially and practically able to make to be the healthiest me. After all, I am charged with taking care of the body God gave me, the one He calls His temple. I was so used to taking care of everyone else first that it was a big adjustment, but I didn't want to miss another holiday. I had spent Halloween in bed in 2013 because it happened to be one of the 3-6 days a month that I was so sick I couldn't function.
     2014 was a mixed year. There were challenges, still, like there had been the year before. But I learned so much, mostly that while the bad years suck, they are the ones where I grow the most. The bad times are when I find myself learning more about myself and realizing just how faithful God is, as crazy as that sounds. He speaks more and more when I am hurting, sad and desperate. And that part is actually good, and my growth is also worth celebrating. 
     It also helps me remember that the accomplishments and memories during these times are that much better. 
     In 2014, I had insomnia, but I wrote a book. I had pain, but I found Isagenix. I was hurt by people I loved, but God proved He's all I'll ever need. I spent many days in bed sick, but the chains of illness were broke forever. I felt shadows of depression and then learned the way to true JOY through my Savior.
     I COULD focus on all the crappy things that happened. Or I can chose to see all the wonderful things God did in the midst of the muck and mire. That's just how good He is, that He does care very much about our hurting and suffering. Amazing character growth can come through it, and He certainly cares about that. But mostly He just wants us to cling to Him.
     Some people say we shouldn't relive the past, but I learned a lot last year, so I'd like to take those lessons forward!
     Things I did in 2014 that I want to repeat in 2015: 
     1. Fuel my body with health foods. Isagenix was by FAR the best thing in my year. I kept trying and trying and failing with better and organic foods. Nothing even came close. I'm so grateful for the healthy products I'm putting in my and my family members' bodies — and in my baby's body.
     2. More spas. I'm so thankful for my friend Jan and the spa she did for me. This has been a fabulous tool to show the LOVE of Jesus to girls and moms in a world that sees Jesus as punitive and monstrous.
     3. Write a book. I have the idea and concept for another one, and I'm praying God will show me how to publish the first one! Maybe it's just to my blog, or maybe just to the women and girls who go through the spa. I'd love for Him to show me the way.
     
     "New" goals for the new year:
     4. Spend more quality time with family. Homeschooling and working from home means we're constantly in each others' hair, but it doesn't mean we spend "quality" time together. I want to be more intentional with my family! This will be more important than ever with baby No. 3 on the way this summer.
     5. Build my Isagenix business. By the grace of God, our products are paid for, so that's HUGE and I'm grateful for it. But we do need a car because Dan can't fit four in his truck. I have specific financial goals, and I'm praying that Isagenix is the answer because not only does it help us, but the nutrition is freeing so many of my loved ones from food addictions and enabling them to eat healthier than ever before! My specific goals are to buy an inexpensive used car by May and have an income of $500 a month over and above for myself. By the end of the year, my goal is $5,000 a month. Sound crazy? I'm totally motivated to help my friends Rick and Paula Miller — missionaries who lost a lot of funding and need to get back home to Sierra Leone as soon as possible. I'm trusting God to make the impossible possible! Having more money to give is another one of the best things about Isagenix!! 
     6. Sell our house and downsize our mortgage. This goes along with No. 5. If we can shave $500 off our mortgage, it will allow us to afford baby no. 3 AND have more to give!

     Things I did in 2014 I hope to never do again: 
     7. Obsess over homeschool. I'm attending the conference and finding a more managable online school for the next school year. All this planning, grading and curriculum design is NOT my thing!
     8. Keep my house meticulous. That means our house needs to sell and soon. I don't like living in a museum state, chasing dust bunnies and getting OCD about crumbs on the floor. I'd like to move on to things that matter!
    9. Overcommit. I am learning boundaries and more about this two-letter word NO. It might require loads of therapy, but I hear using this word can be done! 
    10. Spend a week in a beach house with extended family. Thanks for the memories! A repeat is not necessary. I actually just threw this in because it's funny. It really wasn't that bad. There was a beach after all. Did I mention the beach was LOADED with the stinkiest seaweed, interspersed with six-foot mounds of seaweed? It was like a metaphor for how we felt sharing that space. I'm kidding. We loved every minute of it. There are seaweed sculptures — and photos — to prove it.  

   

Three things that changed my life

     It amazes me sometimes. 
     That it took me 40 years to realize a few nuggets that are the key to successful living. It's hard to admit it, but I find myself face palming over my lack of common sense. Probably it's more likely that I know, but I don't really want to live it out. 
     For years, I've been disappointed in my health, blaming all kinds of circumstances and people for my shortcomings and weaknesses (not eating right and not exercising enough, chiefly) that were exacerbating my medical and physical conditions. Something changed this summer. It was major. It was radical.
     But it was also kind of simple. Crazy simple. 
     It started on the inside, and the results are beginning to show on the outside, too. 
     Here are three things I did that transformed my life, in this order. The ordering is kind of important!
     1. I ACCEPTED ME. 
     I decided that I was enough for my husband and my children. That they loved me in spite of all my shortcomings. They loved me with the 30 or so extra pounds I was carrying. They loved me despite my headaches and the days I spent in bed because of them. They loved me even when I had major reactions to food and felt miserable. Not only that, but I decided if God could accept me, what was I waiting for? I accepted myself  as a child of God -- loved just where I was, flaws, imperfections and all. Because He does!
     It was simple. I looked in the mirror, and I made a choice. I WILL LOVE HER. I won't criticize or condemn. And really, why should I? Nobody else was. God wasn't. My husband has only been totally supportive and loving. He's never criticized me for how I look...ever! In fact, he's done nothing but the opposite. Praising me. Lifting me up. Loving me. Reminding me of how important I am, and loving every thing about how I look. I needed to adopt a perspective like my loving heavenly father and my husband on who I am. So I decided I needed to make it my choice, too. 

     2. I TRUSTED GOD. 
     I decided no matter what happened from that point on, I would trust it to God. He knows me. He knows best. I would hand over all the controls and the steering wheel, acknowledging that there is indeed very little I can control in the grand scheme of things. 
     I also figured that when it came to the changes I knew I needed to make, I wouldn't be able to make them on my own. I would need Him more than ever. He would have to be my source of strength. 
     Not long after, I saw Carolyn Twietmeyer post about her Isagenix journey -- again. I had already asked her about it in the past, but I was afraid. I didn't want the teen girls who are watching me to think I was looking for "lose weight fast" diet schemes. I didn't want a diet scheme myself. I didn't want a shortcut...been there done that, Weight Watchers and Slim Fast. 
     But I was constantly attracted to the message that Carolyn lifted herself up out of poor health to have the energy to raise a huge family using Isagenix products.  The feel-good, energy boosting, cleansing, healing, holistic part of her testimony was screaming out to me.
     I wanted REAL change. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to spend fewer days in bed every month. I wanted an end to pain. But I wanted it without taking missteps or shortcuts. Whatever I did, I wanted it to be nutritionally sound, organic and whole. I also didn't want to give up every good thing, because let's face it, God made food and it is GOOD! 
     After I had accepted myself and decided I would trust God, I was having a bad day with poor health when Carolyn posted about a 30-day Isagenix cleanse. I had some extra money from mileage reimbursement, and I was desperate. Desperate to be the wife and mother God created me to be. I prayed about it, and I knew in my heart that God was nudging me. 
     It's been about 70 days, and it's been an incredible journey! I completed the 30-day cleanse with no expectation for weight loss. I simply wanted to feel better. Isagenix exceeded my expectations in ways I am not sure I can ever fully express. I ended up losing 10 pounds the first month and 20.5 inches! I lost another 7 pounds since, and I cannot stop loving myself even more than I did before. I have muscle tone that I haven't seen since my early 20's! 
     I did my best with the cleanse, but I didn't do everything. And I didn't do it perfectly. That leads me to the last thing I committed to...

     3. I APPLIED DISCIPLINE. 
     About four years ago, I began reading my Bible daily. Little did I know that one decision would transform every aspect of my life. Practicing self discipline in staying in His word has spilled over into every facet of my life. I was establishing a track record with myself for being accountable and reliable. 
     Do I have bad days? Yes, and I KNOW sometimes routine becomes routine with no real impact. I have recently added deliberate morning prayer to my daily routine, and that has helped my heart stay in all things. I will still have bad days, but I know that because I am trusting God (see No. 2), I can forgive myself and get back on track. 
     Perhaps the strangest thing about Isagenix is drinking meals. It was a hard adjustment for me to make. My jaws wanted to move. I craved the chewing motion, the crunching, the texture of food. But I trusted God and overcame. 
     The best part of Isagenix for me is that my gluten intolerance and general digestive problems can be avoided when I KNOW that my body will tolerate the shakes and other food products. And to top it off, I'm getting some of the very best nutrition at every meal, and I don't have to think about what I can eat and then go to great lengths to prepare an inconvenient meal in an already busy schedule. 
     I drink a shake at one or two meals daily. My family always eats dinner together -- a dinner without processed ingredients or sugar or gluten. It's not too far off from what we ate before, but a lot less cheese and casserole types of dishes. More filling fibers and proteins. It's usually chicken, fish or beef with steamed vegetables, rice or potatoes and fruit. 
     I decided that the cost of not doing this exceeds the price tag of buying Isagenix. Yes, it's expensive, but I am more than worth it! I HAVE to be in the best physical, emotional, mental and spiritual condition to do the things God has called me to do -- be a wife, a mom, a leader with Mighty Strong Girls and simply to be His child. 
     Isagenix is a nutritionally sound investment in my health. I never would have known if I hadn't had the courage to try it, to give it my all and trust God. If it weren't for Carolyn sharing, I would still be having more miserable days than good days. I'm so thankful to her, and now I'm preparing to help others enroll so that they can feel the JOY that I have from losing weight and fueling my body with the best food product I have found!