In a conversation with a good friend yesterday, I tried making sense of it all.
"I think I'm a liar," I said, laughing....sort of. "But I can't figure out who I'm not being honest with — myself, God or the people following Mighty Strong Girls."
Based on a few other comments, she deduced that I'm not being honest with myself. If you ask me, lying to yourself has implications when it comes to God and everyone else, too. So I'm a liar. Great.
It's an uneasy feeling, not being honest with yourself. A trick. A slight of the hand. Nobody else knows, but you are harboring a dirty little secret...or several. I tell myself repeatedly that Mighty Strong Girls is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's what God put on my heart. I'm being obedient. I'm loving every minute of it. I'm not afraid. We're doing 'just fine' financially.
They seem like legitimate lies, because I don't want anyone — least of all myself — to doubt "my" ministry. Deep down, I KNOW it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. So I stuff all my emotions, fears and problems way down deep and begin to fill my head with "positive self talk" to convince myself everything is peachy keen. So that people will want to be part of it, because who wants to buy in to something that fills the founder up with doubt?
But when you go from living three years debt-free in the name of God and in 12 short months have a credit card that is maxed out, and you have no cash to fill up your gas tank or get groceries, it's absolutely terrifying. When you are doing the work of a team of a dozen without getting paid, you begin to question your sanity. When you push aside your family for a ministry, even if only for a week, it feels icky.
Is this really what God wants? Or did I go too fast? Out of order? Do too much too soon? Am I ungrateful? Is my family angry? What if my husband doesn't forgive me for this?
Second guessing begins. It shows up everywhere.
God didn't give me a little "first step" in the vision of Mighty Strong Girls; He gave me the whole thing. I jumped on board, perhaps a little too eagerly and went ahead of His plan for me. I know that now.
I repented. We've been blessed. Financially my family is back "on track," but the ministry is still in a bit of a mess. Debt with more on the horizon to accomplish what we minimally need to do. I am so grateful for God's provision; what He's done in two short months can only be described as miraculous. And that's just the money part. The lives He's touched, the fun we've had, the friendships made, the faith He's deepened in girls and women, the lies we've exposed, the work we've accomplished, the walls we've knocked down. All of that we've done because of His divine and glorious work through the hands, hearts, minds and feet of so many. It's astonishing; really it is! To begin dissecting the list of His accomplishments in one year of Mighty Strong Girls is exhausting!
But I'd be lying if I didn't add that I want more. I want a ministry that doesn't operate in the "red." I want a family who doesn't wear shoes that squeeze our toes and give us blisters because we can't afford new ones. I want a financial plan I know will work — as in the money is already there before we know we need it. The American way.
Admitting that feels incredibly selfish sometimes, and that's why I lie. Because when you minister, you put your faith in God. Right? What I described in the previous paragraph would mean I don't have to rely on Him. Right? I mean, that's what so many have said. God's people wandered 40 years in the dessert, relying on his providence. Not always knowing where it would come. Not knowing. That's Biblical. Right?
The problem is after taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, I can't make it agree. I'm way outside my comfort zone with a lot of what's happening with Mighty Strong Girls. The speed of things are faster than even I wanted. Income is not keeping up with expenses. Which means our modest middle class family budget is now not only stretched to cover my nearly complete lack of income (save for a half dozen photography clients a year) but also thousands in expenses for a ministry. I'm secretly fearful about losing our home. That wasn't my plan. I'm not sure whether it's God's plan. There. That's it. There's the honesty.
There are days I simply want to throw in the towel and do what makes sense: Get a good paying job that will pull my family out of the mess, the uncertainty. I have a master's degree, for crying out loud, and I know it wouldn't take long to find work. It's a formula that I already know provides the solution. My brain screams for this in my lowest moments of discouragement.
Except I've been there. It's not so neat, certain and happy. On that side, I yearned for something authentic. A job that used the best of what I could offer to make a difference and help others make a difference. Here God gives it to me, and I'm complaining. You can see why I'm lying to myself. In my weakest, most human moments, I want what the world wants — security, certainty, comfort. These things beckon me from my lowest lows of doubtfulness.
It's like a tug-of-war in my mind, heart and soul. This thing, this little "thing" God called me to do is absolutely amazing, and watching the body of Christ formed to do His work makes me feel so small but so incredibly filled up spiritually. It's awesome and amazing and fearful. I hate admitting that I want to turn my back on it. (The truth is I don't think I EVER could!) I know God has me where I need to be, where He wants me to be.
I want to create a place where girls and women can be honest and real. To really explore this seemingly unchartered territory of "reality," I have to stop lying to myself. I'm praying this honesty will help unlock the bonds of the writer's block and give me confidence to move forward boldly with Mighty Strong Girls. Because as secure as I am that my own daughter can be raised in an environment that affirms her inner-awesomeness, it's not enough. I want that for all girls, and I want her to grow up with girls who believe it, too. I can't do that without holding onto "the truth."
I have no other choice but to lean entirely and completely into Him. The truth is I have nowhere else to turn if I'm being honest about what I want in the previous paragraph. The truth is He doesn't want us to live lives of despair or sadness. The truth is that I need ministered to as much as anyone else. The truth is that when God fills us up, we feel complete. The truth is that Philippians 4:13 isn't about getting what we want or accomplishing what we want. It's not about our selfish desires at all. It's about being satisfied when all we have is Him. It's about drawing strength from Him when we feel weak, when we feel we need what the world offers, when we feel we should have what everyone else has.
If I want to stop lying to myself, I need to get to the bottom of one simple question: Is He really enough?
Can I stop obsessing about what I don't have, what I want, what I think He should provide? Can I make my God enough to fill me up?
As I explored this with my friend yesterday, I did what I sadly too often do. I hung up the phone and shifted gears to something else entirely.
But she didn't forget. Five minutes later and for 10 minutes, my phone was "on fire" with text messages from girls and moms. She asked some of those close to Mighty Strong Girls to send me some encouragement. Each of them spoke from their heart about what it's meant to them.
Here is a sample:
"Mighty Strong Girls helps me feel like I matter more than I did before, and I realize it's OK to be different."
"Mighty Strong Girls has been a great way for me to stay connected with God and other Christian Girls. Thank you!"
"It's amazing what Mighty Strong Girls has become. It's weird to look back at the day you told me about it. I thought it was so out of reach! And now it's this huge thing that has become so much! I'm so thankful for you. I love you."
"Mighty Strong Girls is going to be something amazing. Thank you!"
The icing on the cake was a phone call right about the time I got the texts from my husband, who had to run some medication to one of our children at camp in Springfield. He was heading back to work when he saw a woman out for a walk wearing the "Be-YOU-tiful" T-shirt she got at the Mighty Strong Girls event this summer. Best of all, he called it "Polly's shirt." Polly is the girl at my church who designed the T-shirt. That's an impressive detail for most men to remember, but he was so excited — for Polly, for me and for Mighty Strong Girls.
I have to tell you to have such support is a tremendous blessing. It occurred to me that their words were God's way of affirming this ministry and encouraging me. I sat crying tears of joy. It
The very thing I want for girls — to be told they matter, to walk obediently in the will of God, to know it's OK to be the girl God created them to be, to be affirmed and encouraged — is something I need, too. It's something we all need. It's something we all deserve as the children of God.
Be a Mighty Strong Girl today and encourage one another. To do so is to be the hands, feet and mouth of Christ!
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