Overcoming my late-in-life pregnancy fears

     So, I'm probably about to have blog-rrhea. There was so much I wanted to write while pregnant, and the truth is...I was terrified to put my thoughts into writing during those months. 
     It was one of the most fearful seasons of my life.
     Fear...
     ...I would lose the baby. 
     ...something serious was wrong with the baby. 
     ...of our home sale falling apart. 
     ...that putting my kids back in public school was the wrong decision. 
     ...we wouldn't be able to afford another child. 
     ...of every single symptomatic issue I had in pregnancy. (Yes, I spent a lot of time on Google. Then I admitted I had a problem, promised to stay off the Internet and relapsed after about 24 hours. I realize I have issues!)
     ...that if I talked about any of this, something dreadful would happen. 
     ...I would gain too much weight, not be able to lose the weight after the pregnancy.
     ...I would succumb to food addictions.  
     ...of giving birth naturally, which I was trying to commit myself to doing but even my efforts left me doubting I could. 
     ...God would hate me or punish me for so many fears and doubts. 
      ...of my fears. (My anxiety disorder seemed so under control until this....all of this. It was overwhelming!)
     So I didn't write them. Or speak them. 
     But they haunted me. 
     ...at every doctor's appointment. 
     ...with every snide comment about my age in pregnancy. 
     ...in every headline about a stillbirth or studies about the dangers of pregnancy "late in life." 
     ...during the day and into the night. 
     ...as I listened to a horrendous podcast about depression in pregnancy (1 in 3 women suffer, almost always in silence) and wondered if it was me the author was describing. 
     ...with all the insomnia bouts that returned with a vengeance in my third trimester. 
     I was so glad God was speaking to me during this time and reassuring me. But me, in Amy-the-persistent-worrier fashion, continued to doubt and question. For every worry or fear, I grasped onto the one person who could bring me peace and reassurance. I had to keep going back to Him time and time again because I had such a restless spirit. I think He probably had me right where He wanted me. But I couldn't help shake my feelings of inadequate faith. It was touch and go. 
     I wish I could say that I had a great support network. I definitely had friends who were checking in on me and a husband who was there to listen to all my insecurities. 
     But for every friend who was supportive, there were three people who were negative. Some were silently protesting. Others whispered behind my back. I felt every sting. We received comments like, "How could you be so stupid (to get pregnant at your age)?" "Do you know how this happens?" and my all-time favorite said right to my face, "You're f----ed." 
     Many of these comments came from so-called friends. 
     It was so hard to share our news, not knowing what the reaction would be from a world where the attitudes about a fetus fall more along the lines of a "clump of cells," rather than my precious daughter, a life, a creation of God's. 
     An older woman having a baby seemed foolish. Heck, even I was skeptical in the beginning. It certainly wasn't our plan. 
     But it was our prayer. It was just a prayer from seven years prior...long forgotten. 
     At least we'd forgotten. 
     But someone hadn't. That one person — all holy and almighty — didn't forget the cries of my heart. And deep down, I trusted His timing. He said no to my prayer then. But He said yes to my prayer in this chapter. 
     So I trusted in Him, while so many others disappointed. 
     Faith. But a shaky, insecure, immature faith, to be sure. 
     Still, a glorious story unfolded in spite of my fears when my beautiful baby entered the world. 

Our sweet daughter, born in God's timing as His plan unfolds for our lives.

     She came naturally. But not without trouble. Her positioning was wrong. Labor, which I thought would be fast and not nearly as painful for all my preparation, didn't deliver on those promises. 
     But I was reminded that God doesn't promise life will be easy. He simply promises He will walk through it with us. 
     The birthing plan I had, the techniques I had practiced and prayed upon did not work out like I had hoped. But the scriptures I had written out on notecards gave me the hope and reassurance I need. Just as His word and my relationship with Him carried me through each day of the pregnancy. 
     Indeed, I was never alone. And I knew, no matter what happened to me or the baby, He would help me through it. After all, this was His plan, unfolding in His timing in answer to a deep prayer of my heart. 

Crazy kinda faith

     This is my pre post. The introduction to the introduction of the next crazy thing my family is up to. 
     The reality is that we're not so radical. I truly wish I could be much, much more "out there." Thankfully I've got some good role models in this area, and perhaps half a lifetime left. 
     It's that "perhaps" that's really been in the driving seat lately. 
     Have you ever thought about the number of your days? Really and truly thought about it?  
     Dan's sudden and serious illness nearly two years ago made me think about it. Truly nobody is promised another day, or even another breath.
     Which is why I think about the fact that maybe I don't have half a lifetime left. 
     I have to consider this. 
     I have to often. 
     Because if I don't, I get caught up in laundry, dinner, housework, kids' schedules, church schedules, ministry stuff, money stuff, life stuff. I'm so busy and worried about looking like I was actually prepared for that next thing that I'm not really living. That doesn't really honor the precious life God bestowed on me. 
     Because if you haven't noticed, life is happening all around us. And if we aren't careful, we aren't in it. You know, like really in it with our sleeves rolled up. Working side-by-side with our neighbors, laughing, loving, being, sharing, obeying, rescuing, caring, feeling connected. Being vulnerable. Seeking. Finding. Growing.
     I don't want a checklist kind of life. 
     Call me crazy, but I don't want a predictable kind of easy-go-lucky life either. I mean, I am constantly fighting it.    Because the flesh part of me wants what the world has to offer. Easy, stuff-filled, wealth-accumulating, checklist-oriented, pretty packaging kind of life. If I honestly admit it, I wouldn't mind the manicured nails and the highlights in my hair and the pampering pedicures. I definitely wouldn't mind extravagant annual family vacations. Anniversary trips to white sandy beaches.
     I practically hyperventilate as I reread that last paragraph. Oh. My. Gosh. That is totally the life I had, albeit briefly. 
     It was terribly unfulfilling. It sucked the life right out of me. So void of real relationships. Real love. Real grace. Real risk. Real joy. 
     I wouldn't want all this world has to offer if it didn't come without that last list of "reals." 
     And I know how to get real. I want what Jesus offers. But first I must die to flesh, the worldly desires...and be radical. I have to love big, live big, fight like it's worth it and {gulp!} take RISKS! 
     Guess what? That's what faith is...it's Jesus-inspired, relationship-driven, fight-worthy, God-led risks. Without the leap of faith, God won't show us how big and merciful and amazing He is. How He delivers us, rescues us, fights for us, shows up for us, loves us.  
     And I want every bit of that, because I've had some tastes here and there, especially in the last 20 months.      
     And it. Is. Phenomenal. 
     Better than the most gorgeous beach, breath-taking mountain scenery, adventures, romance. He is the Creator of all those, after all. Faith can feed you; it's better than any drug or addiction. This is the kind of living I want more and more of! I want my kids to know how to love, to fight, to serve, to obey, to risk it all. Because an all-out radical faith means we reap the rewards that only a relationship with Christ can offer.  
     Jehovah Nissi. Jehovah Jireh. 

  

Tears over cherry cheesecake

     Today I began my day stressed. 
     Anxious over the magazine — impending deadlines, event planning, photos to be taken, editing, financing, printing. Even though I know it's going quite well, beautiful and orchestrated by God. Money is better than ever. The quality of the publication is breath-taking, and the prospects for partnership opportunities are about to make me burst with excitement. The last days of the kids at camp and me working at home are ticking away. A new chapter is about to begin. 
     And at a time when things couldn't be going better. I'm stressed. Tense. Muscles tight, jaw popping, head throbbing (could be the teeth cleaning at the dentist today???) kind of anxious. Super unusual for me in the last five years of my life. Maybe it's the doggie drama. Our dog has had three (with a fourth now scheduled) trips to the vet in the two weeks of the kids being at camp. He's whining, whimpering, groaning and limping in pain. It's making it hard for me to work in the same room. Talk about hampering concentration! 
     It could be nervous excitement as we are planning some things "in secret" for Mighty Strong Girls, and the unveiling is going to be as fun as working out all the details. It could be uneasiness about homeschooling preparation. As in, I'm ready to create calendars, paint a wall, decorate reading nooks for the kids and make the transition fun and exciting (but I have to get the magazine designed first). 
     It might also be that when I decided to blog again, I would seek God about what I write. In the last week, I feel He's given me two topics: forgiveness and patience. It's not the topics that are stress-inducing. But while I continued to pray, He put people on my heart for each. One requires digging into my past and tearing down walls I built over something ridiculous; the other requires holding my tongue and letting Him work at His pace and not mine when it comes to a situation involving two loved ones. So while I may be writing on these topics, I think God is seeking me to experience His work through them first. 
     I'm continuing to be in prayer, meditating on times when I had to forgive and be patient, remembering how faithful God was in those situations and leaning into Him as I prepare for these challenges ahead so that I can face them with a joyful attitude and not one filled with anxiety. 
     I took a big step tonight. I sat down with a slice of homemade cherry cheesecake, made by my teenage friend who's celebrating her sweet sixteenth birthday today. Can you believe it? A teenager made me cheesecake on HER BIRTHDAY! How lucky am I to know someone so wonderful. And this isn't the first time she made me cheesecake, but the first two times, the cake was eaten before it made it to my house. LOL! 
     Eating the cheesecake, I reflected on how far I've come and she's come in the last year. Both are worth celebrating! I think God is celebrating, too. 
     As I continued enjoying the decadence, I read a note from an old friend about her decision to homeschool her children. It was so beautifully written —almost like a dance where the rhythm picks up and then slows between her and God about being in tune with His will for her family. It made me smile, then laugh and cry and laugh again. I miss her; she was the first "real" friend I had! We met in junior high and went through so much together — good, bad and ugly — and both came out better for it, or should I say despite it, on the other side. I sure wish we lived closer to one another. 
     I notice as I ate and read and then licked my plate (transparency, remember?) that my stress had melted away. Contentment, the very thing I told my son he needs more of this morning, isn't something that comes easily to most of us. Maybe the fact that so many things are unsettled was causing discontent. I reminded Ryker that we must seek contentment. We must WANT it. We have to avoid distractions like jealousy, pride and anger that can steal our contentment. Happiness cannot be found in money, stuff or accomplishments. It has its roots in relationships — Jesus first, then your family and then other relationships. 
     Spending some time reflecting on my emotionally tumultuous day reminded me life is good, even if isn't always good, but that God is good ALL THE TIME. Like cherry cheesecake and old friends. 

My keeping-it-real confession: I've been lying

    In a conversation with a good friend yesterday, I tried making sense of it all. 
     "I think I'm a liar," I said, laughing....sort of. "But I can't figure out who I'm not being honest with — myself, God or the people following Mighty Strong Girls."
     Based on a few other comments, she deduced that I'm not being honest with myself. If you ask me, lying to yourself has implications when it comes to God and everyone else, too. So I'm a liar. Great. 
     It's an uneasy feeling, not being honest with yourself. A trick. A slight of the hand. Nobody else knows, but you are harboring a dirty little secret...or several. I tell myself repeatedly that Mighty Strong Girls is what I'm supposed to be doing. It's what God put on my heart. I'm being obedient. I'm loving every minute of it. I'm not afraid. We're doing 'just fine' financially. 
     They seem like legitimate lies, because I don't want anyone — least of all myself — to doubt "my" ministry. Deep down, I KNOW it's what I'm SUPPOSED to do. So I stuff all my emotions, fears and problems way down deep and begin to fill my head with "positive self talk" to convince myself everything is peachy keen. So that people will want to be part of it, because who wants to buy in to something that fills the founder up with doubt?
     But when you go from living three years debt-free in the name of God and in 12 short months have a credit card that is maxed out, and you have no cash to fill up your gas tank or get groceries, it's absolutely terrifying. When you are doing the work of a team of a dozen without getting paid, you begin to question your sanity. When you push aside your family for a ministry, even if only for a week, it feels icky. 
     Is this really what God wants? Or did I go too fast? Out of order? Do too much too soon? Am I ungrateful? Is my family angry? What if my husband doesn't forgive me for this? 
     Second guessing begins. It shows up everywhere. 
     God didn't give me a little "first step" in the vision of Mighty Strong Girls; He gave me the whole thing. I jumped on board, perhaps a little too eagerly and went ahead of His plan for me. I know that now. 
     I repented. We've been blessed. Financially my family is back "on track," but the ministry is still in a bit of a mess. Debt with more on the horizon to accomplish what we minimally need to do. I am so grateful for God's provision; what He's done in two short months can only be described as miraculous. And that's just the money part. The lives He's touched, the fun we've had, the friendships made, the faith He's deepened in girls and women, the lies we've exposed, the work we've accomplished, the walls we've knocked down. All of that we've done because of His divine and glorious work through the hands, hearts, minds and feet of so many. It's astonishing; really it is! To begin dissecting the list of His accomplishments in one year of Mighty Strong Girls is exhausting! 
     But I'd be lying if I didn't add that I want more. I want a ministry that doesn't operate in the "red." I want a family who doesn't wear shoes that squeeze our toes and give us blisters because we can't afford new ones. I want a financial plan I know will work — as in the money is already there before we know we need it. The American way. 
     Admitting that feels incredibly selfish sometimes, and that's why I lie. Because when you minister, you put your faith in God. Right? What I described in the previous paragraph would mean I don't have to rely on Him. Right? I mean, that's what so many have said. God's people wandered 40 years in the dessert, relying on his providence. Not always knowing where it would come. Not knowing. That's Biblical. Right? 
     The problem is after taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, I can't make it agree. I'm way outside my comfort zone with a lot of what's happening with Mighty Strong Girls. The speed of things are faster than even I wanted. Income is not keeping up with expenses. Which means our modest middle class family budget is now not only stretched to cover my nearly complete lack of income (save for a half dozen photography clients a year) but also thousands in expenses for a ministry. I'm secretly fearful about losing our home. That wasn't my plan. I'm not sure whether it's God's plan. There. That's it. There's the honesty. 
     There are days I simply want to throw in the towel and do what makes sense: Get a good paying job that will pull my family out of the mess, the uncertainty. I have a master's degree, for crying out loud, and I know it wouldn't take long to find work. It's a formula that I already know provides the solution. My brain screams for this in my lowest moments of discouragement. 
     Except I've been there. It's not so neat, certain and happy. On that side, I yearned for something authentic. A job that used the best of what I could offer to make a difference and help others make a difference. Here God gives it to me, and I'm complaining. You can see why I'm lying to myself. In my weakest, most human moments, I want what the world wants — security, certainty, comfort. These things beckon me from my lowest lows of doubtfulness.
     It's like a tug-of-war in my mind, heart and soul. This thing, this little "thing" God called me to do is absolutely amazing, and watching the body of Christ formed to do His work makes me feel so small but so incredibly filled up spiritually. It's awesome and amazing and fearful. I hate admitting that I want to turn my back on it. (The truth is I don't think I EVER could!) I know God has me where I need to be, where He wants me to be. 
     I want to create a place where girls and women can be honest and real. To really explore this seemingly unchartered territory of "reality," I have to stop lying to myself. I'm praying this honesty will help unlock the bonds of the writer's block and give me confidence to move forward boldly with Mighty Strong Girls. Because as secure as I am that my own daughter can be raised in an environment that affirms her inner-awesomeness, it's not enough. I want that for all girls, and I want her to grow up with girls who believe it, too. I can't do that without holding onto "the truth."
     I have no other choice but to lean entirely and completely into Him. The truth is I have nowhere else to turn if I'm being honest about what I want in the previous paragraph. The truth is He doesn't want us to live lives of despair or sadness.  The truth is that I need ministered to as much as anyone else. The truth is that when God fills us up, we feel complete. The truth is that Philippians 4:13 isn't about getting what we want or accomplishing what we want. It's not about our selfish desires at all. It's about being satisfied when all we have is Him. It's about drawing strength from Him when we feel weak, when we feel we need what the world offers, when we feel we should have what everyone else has. 
     If I want to stop lying to myself, I need to get to the bottom of one simple question: Is He really enough? 
     Can I stop obsessing about what I don't have, what I want, what I think He should provide? Can I make my God enough to fill me up? 
     As I explored this with my friend yesterday, I did what I sadly too often do. I hung up the phone and shifted gears to something else entirely. 
     But she didn't forget. Five minutes later and for 10 minutes, my phone was "on fire" with text messages from girls and moms. She asked some of those close to Mighty Strong Girls to send me some encouragement. Each of them spoke from their heart about what it's meant to them. 
     Here is a sample: 
     "Mighty Strong Girls helps me feel like I matter more than I did before, and I realize it's OK to be different." 
     "Mighty Strong Girls has been a great way for me to stay connected with God and other Christian Girls. Thank you!"
     "It's amazing what Mighty Strong Girls has become. It's weird to look back at the day you told me about it. I thought it was so out of reach! And now it's this huge thing that has become so much! I'm so thankful for you. I love you." 
     "Mighty Strong Girls is going to be something amazing. Thank you!"
     The icing on the cake was a phone call right about the time I got the texts from my husband, who had to run some medication to one of our children at camp in Springfield. He was heading back to work when he saw a woman out for a walk wearing the "Be-YOU-tiful" T-shirt she got at the Mighty Strong Girls event this summer. Best of all, he called it "Polly's shirt." Polly is the girl at my church who designed the T-shirt. That's an impressive detail for most men to remember, but he was so excited — for Polly, for me and for Mighty Strong Girls.
     I have to tell you to have such support is a tremendous blessing. It occurred to me that their words were God's way of affirming this ministry and encouraging me. I sat crying tears of joy. It 
     The very thing I want for girls — to be told they matter, to walk obediently in the will of God, to know it's OK to be the girl God created them to be, to be affirmed and encouraged — is something I need, too. It's something we all need. It's something we all deserve as the children of God. 
     Be a Mighty Strong Girl today and encourage one another. To do so is to be the hands, feet and mouth of Christ! 

Merry Christmas from our family to yours!

Dear friends and family: 

'Tis the season for madness. I'm not talking about long lines, busy schedules or unhealthy eating. It's that time of year when we make Ryker get in family photos with the rest of us. For most families, it gets easier to take family photos the older the kids get. That theory does not hold true in the Denney house, where a photographer's child just cannot get his act together for a photo shoot that could take 20 minutes. With Ryker, it lasts half the day. And if we're lucky, we get ONE good shot. 

This year, we nearly missed Abby's musical rehearsal and didn't get all the poses mom wanted and had to eat lunch in the car. But we decided to go with the flow and do something different and Abby-inspired .... because the memory isn't really in the "perfect" photo anyway. The memory is in the experience and all the outtakes that come with the perfect shot. 

Enjoy our 2012 digital (and "green" and might I note...on time!) Christmas cards by clicking on the gray link below, and if you have the time, read the letter posted below!  

2012 Christmas


     2012. 
     No ordinary year. 
     Reeling from a serious bout of pneumonia turned into potentially deadly sepsis, Dan was still off work and recouperating in January. As the high doses of steroids wore off, his back condition -- a herniated disc -- was suddenly at its worst! It had not quite been six months since he'd had three rounds of high-dose steroid injections in his spine. Still, he ended up getting three more. 
     As the demands of raising children and balancing a household became apparent, Amy stepped away from the first 9-5 full-time job she'd had in nine years and only managed to keep for seven months! Then she went on a short-term trip to Africa to get stories and photos and build a website and blog for missionary friends, Rick and Paula Miller. Check it out at lifegateinafrica.org. Dan and Amy are praying about a planned trip to Sierra Leone in December 2013. If you are interested in construction, journalism or orphans, start praying about joining us! 
     Dan took a short-term trip to Ukraine in August, and about the same time, Amy officially formed Mighty Strong Girls, a non-profit to battle the downward spiral of negative self image in girls. She is officially a missionary and working to raise up supporters for this new ministry. 
     Keeping us busiest of all are the kids! Baseball and softball in the spring. A fun two-week session of drama camp in the summer. Ryker emerged as a great leader on his football team this fall. They lost twice as many games as they won, but they were so fun to watch! They battled back to win an exciting bowl game, and as soon as football ended, basketball began. Abby auditioned for the 9-year-old lead in "White Christmas" at a local theater. She didn't get the part, but she landed on the children's choir. She's singing and dancing in three numbers, with opening night set for well, tonight! We'll be busy with that the next three weekends, and both kids are ready to audition for another musical. They keep us chasing our tails, but it also prevents us all from getting into any trouble! 
     The orphan we support in Sierra Leone apparently wasn't immune to the family drama. He got a nasty case of malaria that threatened his brain and landed in the hospital. Not the kind of hospital we might want our children to go to. He was in a small dirt-floor room with no window or door coverings for IV  medicines and other treatments for several days. But James, who is 9, pulled through and we got to see photos of him smiling in front of his orphanage after he recovered. Praise God for so many answered prayers! 
     Dan was elected elder at our church this fall and is looking forward to serving as a leader at Athens Christian Church once again. 
     We can't thank you, our precious family and friends, enough for your prayers in the last 12 months. They have been the most emotional and challenging months of our married life, draining us financially and emotionally. And yet, this time has left us feeling nothing but blessed. We were filled up with the Holy Spirit, thanks to you! I'm literally moved to tears thinking about how you prayed us through each and every encounter -- good or bad -- we experienced in this last calendar year and gave us your support through any means you have available. God has been so, so good to us, and we are far from spiritually drained. He has filled up our tanks, given us more hope and grace than we deserve, and inspired us with visions of how we can use our gifts to serve Him in 2013. We are ready for anything and looking forward to all of it! 
     May God bless you abundantly in the coming days, weeks and months! 
     Much love,
     Dan, Amy, Abby & Ryker Denney

P.S. The kids think it's pretty funny how easily I made this face! Watch the video for more funny faces! :-) 

What I want as a mom

Have you ever taken a moment since you've become a mom to think about -- I mean REALLY think about -- what you want to accomplish in the 18 years you have yours? 


I had not. Sadly. Except to say that I hoped for them all the things I didn't have or do. In retrospect, that was honestly A LOT! And now that I've grown up a little in my 9 1/2 years of parenting, I realize that kids today have and do too much. What they really need is to slow down, ease up and learn to live with less. Which is a lesson this grownup is realizing she needs more every day!


On of the many "points well taken" I wrote down from the Hearts at Home conference in the spring was to decide "what matters most to me as a mom." 


Recently, it occurred to me that if after 18 years my children can learn to:
1. Love God
2. Serve God
3. Listen to God 
4. Obey God
then I'm calling the mommyhood thing a success! 


Because when I honestly evaluated everything else I REALLY, REALLY wanted for my kids, I realized those desires all came from list of four. 


I want my kids to be happy, give freely, love deeply, learn from their mistakes and life's mishaps, extend grace, rely on faith, forgive and be patient. Life is an adventure. It's a process, and if we rush to what we think is the "prize" (a career, a house, money, a car, a vacation, retirement?) too quickly, we'll have discovered that what the world tells us is the "prize" might turn out hollow and disappointing. We are filled with a God-shaped void for a reason!


Life is about building relationships -- with God and with others. That's not something that just happens, and so I hope I teach my children to slow down, do their best and enjoy every step of the way. They have already taught me so much, it's the least I could do!