Always ask why, part two

Why has she put on so much weight? 

Why doesn't she come to our meetings anymore? 

Why on earth is she cutting herself? What's wrong with her?

Why does she always seem to cold to me? 

I wrote part one of this post a few months ago, and as I came back to it and reviewed it, it occurred to me something was missing — another, more complicated reason we don't often ask why. Because once one person knows your why, it seems the whole dang world knows. So we believe the lie that we are protecting ourselves from hurt by telling nobody, by holding it all inside.

Have you ever unearthed the why of someone's struggles and then ran as fast as you could in the other direction? Or, ran as fast as you could, telling everyone on the way what you just learned? In other words, have you ever found out someone's story, learned about their messy place and then gossiped about it?

I have. I did this recently. I learned. I was shocked at someone else's why. I told. Then as I heard a friend repeat my gossip to another friend, it was as if a curtain was pulled back. God showed me how damaging it was. To the person who was — at least so far — unaware of what we were saying, to me, to my friend, to our relationships with one another, to God's kingdom.

Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. James 4:11

Do we not tend to justify these two things: Not caring enough to ask others what's going on, what's hurting them, or finding out how to help them AND  misusing this type of information when we know it. 

I'm embarrassed. I am the reason it has become so hard to share the why. 

But I'm so thankful for the amazing friendships in my life right now, because my friend sensed my judgment of her when I called out her gossip. What she didn't know, because in my pride I didn't confess, was the guilt I felt for my own part in the act. Yet she forced me into an uncomfortable situation where we could examine the mess. It was ugly looking in the mirror, I tell you.

The truth is I dream of a place where girls and women can be raw and honest with each other, but to get there, first we have to stop the gossip. It's hurtful, and it makes being honest and loving one another more complicated, if not impossible.

Gossip leads to judgment. Judgment leads to hate. Hate leads to wars. 

  

I don’t know about you, but I don’t want to live my life in self-righteous hatred or judgement of even one other human being. Will I stumble? Will I occasionally gossip? Will I screw up and hurt people? Yes, because I am only human. I see countless people who complain about Christians judging non-Christians or Muslims hating Christians. We see acts of atrocity committed in the name of every faith, and then use it to justify a hate for that faith. Wake up people, because we all do it. Slap whatever label on it you want, but the reality is that the fault isn't really with the group, the faith or the label.

God's word offers us a glimpse of truth: The human heart is full of evils. His word doesn't classifying the hearts — as in these sects, certain religions, those tribes, certain countries, specific people. His description for this atrocity of the heart is human. All hearts are capable of hatred and evil. 

The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Jeremiah 17:9

Because I have screwed up, because I have sinned and because I will continue to make mistakes, I want grace! I want to be loved and forgiven, so I will keep putting myself out there to constantly love and forgive others. In every mess, including my own.

A friend and I were discussing this recently and we wondered: Is there a way we can police one another on gossip with grace? Is there a way to help our sisters in our social circles shut down gossip without it being harmful (like the ax of judgment coming down) on our friendships? 

I want to know, because I crave both things — good healthy friendships and an end to this destructive behavior. 

In the meantime, I will keep asking why. As much as I am able, I will ask not about someone secondhand, but to someone firsthand. In order to love them better. In order to see them the way God sees them. In order to get to the heart of the matter. Because I believe our Heavenly Creator really wants us to care about the why, no matter how messy or complicated or risky it might be.

One of my favorite quotes is this one, and it's where I want to be:

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.”

~ Eleanor Roosevelt 

 Will you help me get here? 

G
  my favorite reat minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/eleanorroo385439.html#8L9l6EYXo3MD0K2r.99

Great minds discuss ideas; average minds discuss events; small minds discuss people.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/e/eleanorroo385439.html#8L9l6EYXo3MD0K2r.99