I have a confession. I am apparently a tad bit fearful of change. Anxious. It makes me nervous. My palms are sweating as I begin to think about it.
The worst part is admitting this. Confession of this sort is kind of a big deal, and I'd rather hold onto this little shameful secret. I live most of my life pretending I'm carefree, and well, that's a lie.
So I'm admitting to you today that I am uptight. And I don't like change. Strange, huh? From a woman who puts together a one-woman mission trip to Africa in four weeks? I do LIKE adventures and though I do struggle sometimes, I am pretty decent at being obedient. Unfortunately, neither of those facts changes the truth that I have some real struggle with change.
It's important for me to work through these feelings right now because we are getting ready to list our home for sale. It's a process that started over a year ago when the I sensed God was urging me to, "Get ready for a move."
After joining a new church earlier this year, I thought for sure God's message was just about moving to a new church. That process was painful, difficult and challenging. God and I wrestled through emotions and my disobedience as I wanted so much to hold on to something God wanted me to let go of. Finally, after hearing clearly where God wanted me and my family to worship, I started getting content. I could ease into this. I was just getting comfortable.
Until our family was hit with a financial reality check. The little pie chart that Dave Ramsey uses for financial budgets was off-balance. We were spending too much of our income (er, uh, my husband's income) on housing. Two years of me with virtually no income had caught up with our family.
It was time to reassess God's message.
Fortunately it was an easy decision to make. We NEED to move. We aren't living practically. We aren't living obediently. And we aren't able to do all the other things God is calling us to do with so much of our monthly income wrapped up in a mortgage payment.
The hard part is the preparation. Getting the house ready when one room is still in the process of renovation is a frustrating proposition. And our schedules are nightmares. But little by little, we are making strides, and hopefully in two or three weeks, there will be a for-sale sign up in our front yard.
As we walk through these steps, it occurs to me that I may be giving up more than just a home. I went from no worries to amped up anxiety like a car revving an engine. We don't need to live in our small community because I am homeschooling. That will help us find the best house for our budget.
This means more changes than just our dwelling. It may mean a new community. It may mean giving up the church I just joined that I love so much. It will mean new neighbors and friends, and possibly living an hour away from the best friends I've ever had in my entire life.
And, well, (GULP) that kind of change feels uncomfortable. It makes me think I should worry just a little. Even though I know I shouldn't. Even though I know that I should and I do trust God entirely. Even though I know it will all work out for our good and His glory. It doesn't stop my flesh from feeling fleshly things....like the stress of change.
Yes, I know that I know about the spiritual stuff. I know this is where I get to CHOOSE to have peace. But I thought you should know that even though I know, and even though it's the freedom I am privileged to experience because of the cross, I still must take it up with God daily.
Every day, I have to start with a prayer. I call it my survival mode. It's how I will make it from here to there. It's how I get from despair to joy and from chaos to peace. And sometimes, truth be told, I am in survival mode all day long, calling on God and drawing near because the human part of me still wants to freak out about the possibilities of the impending changes.
I needed to out myself, because it seems my family is virtually ready to do it anyway. They know I worry, as my mother is a worrier and her mother before her. Oddly enough, the sermons at my church have been focused on the sin of anxiety. So I'm dealing with it. I'm keenly aware, and I've got my eyes fixed upon Jesus, who heals and restores. He is my ultimate survival mode.
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