My food addiction revelation

     So I'm standing in the mirror, just after a shower and getting frustrated at yet another hive-pimple breakout on my cheek. 
     And I have this ah-ha moment that's kind of depressing. I realize I have to admit something. Not just to myself, but to this blog and to anyone who will listen. Because God told me to share. (Read yesterday's entry.) 
     (Side note: It's really a big DANG IT moment, because I don't know about you, but I HATE admitting my weaknesses. Some people call that prideful. It's genetic in my neck of the woods.) 
     I am addicted to food. Sugary food. Chocolate food. Unhealthy food. All food. 
     I have a real problem. Really. I have a really real problem with food. 
     There. It's out. It hurts. 
     Right before my shower, I hate a fourth of a half-gallon of Praire Farms ice cream. It sat in my fridge for well over a week, and nobody ate it. So today in a moment of weakness that was just like all the others I had in the week that I was somehow able to overcome, I succumbed to it. I don't know why this time was different. I certainly was able to ignore that mouth-watering picture of a cow (Just kidding, cows don't make my mouth water. Well, maybe a little) a dozen other times I opened the freezer this week. But today, I ate it. I intended to eat just two bites. You know, because the "experts" say you really only need a couple bites to satisfy a craving. (What do they know?) 
     I bargained with myself. 
     I'll eat just a little more than that. 
     In my mind, I visually carved out a section that would be "acceptable" to eat. The smaller portion on the left side of the container, which was really just a few more bites than the two I intended. Then I decided I would eat from that carton until the computer finally opened a program I was waiting to use. 
     But the computer was so slow. Another bite. Then another. I was eating as slow as the computer was working. So, you can see, it wasn't really my fault I ate it all, because it was the darn computer. The longer I waited for the computer to open the program, the more frustrated I became. The more frustrated I became, the more I justified the food in my hand. 
     It wasn't my fault, after all. It was the stupid computer. 
     Then I went to hide the ice cream container in the trash, which was overflowing. So I stuffed it in the bag, put something bigger over it and took the trash out to the garage. 
     I dusted off my hands — mission covert food addiction accomplished — and hopped in the shower. 
     There's NO DOUBT my complexion is related to the sugar or the dairy,  both of which I can hardly tolerate in large amounts. My reflection tells me a truth I don't want to acknowledge, and it doesn't lie. 
     But here's another truth. I'm normally so much better with food choices. I had been freed from the pain and suffering caused by years of abusive eating more than a year ago thanks to my full-body cellular cleansing and fat-burning replenishment system via Isagenix. 
      Well, I thought I was. 
     I used my pregnancy — not as an excuse, because excuses are excusable. Rather I used my pregnancy to justify something I should not be doing. That carried over in breastfeeding. Don't ask how, but in my mind, it all made sense. Extra calories. Pampering my body, which was suffering the ups and downs — mostly downs — of pregnancy and then caring for a newborn. And the struggles of early breastfeeding. 
     You may be wondering why this is any big deal at all. I mean, is ice cream bad? Most people don't think so in the slightest. 
      The truth is, yes and no. This product is made of ingredients that make me sick. They make everyone sick, if we're honest, but they make me sicker than most people. And I KNOW in my heart that I can satisfy that craving with something healthy. I also KNOW I could have stopped at two bites. I also KNOW I could have recognized the signs a few more bites in that I was emotionally eating. I also KNOW that I was playing games to justified my bad choice. 
     I guess I'm making progress, because I'm seeing it more clearly now, even if in retrospective. I understand what I'm doing. I know it's wrong, and I want to make right choices. I want to make right choices because I've cleansed my body, which helped me in all ways with cravings. I know that a clean body wants what it needs, not what's sitting in the freezer. And I know when my body is alkaline and clean, it functions so much better. Gone is the restlessness, the mental fog and the lack of energy throughout the day. My pain was resolved once I made better choices in my diet. My eating habits made my body function better, and I was much happier. That's right, eating good food (which doesn't include Prairie Farms ice cream, believe it or not!) made me happier. Feed the body, fuel the mind!
     Yet here I was stumbling. I had just told my husband two days earlier I had a food addiction. I admitted that I had bought a Reese's PB cup in the store checkout that day. 
     So what, he said. That doesn't mean you're addicted to food.  
     Bless him. He's so nice. He loves me, and he doesn't want me to feel bad about myself. He never has. So in a way, he helps me justify. I don't want him to help me justify. I want to be free again. 
     I hid the wrapper in a zipper pocket of my purse, I said. 

Evidence of my food addiction can be found tucked away in undisclosed locations. 

     It's not like it was the first time, I said, but just in my head this time. 
     I realized that it's a thing I do. It's a thing I've always done. 
     Sure, there are some people who eat giant stacks of Oreos and 65-ounce sodas out in the open. They may know it's bad or that it's unhealthy. Heck, they may even realize they have a food addiction. They may be struggling. I don't know, because they aren't me. I just know my food addiction is a covert one. It's hard for me to admit. I think the ones who do it openly might have more integrity than me. But let's be honest, a food addiction is dangerous and the struggle is real no matter where the battleground is. 
     Even harder than food addiction, at least for me, is admitting that the food controls me. I allow the food to control me. I'm out of control. 
     I said this to my husband, tears streaming down my face. He made some joke about how he was on his second lunch. He was. But both were relatively healthy. I don't see him binging on ice cream. Ever. 
     Besides, I said. I'm not here to condemn or point out anyone else's eating habits. I am here to say, I have a problem, and I need help. 
     The truth is Isagenix was a tool that helped me overcome the food addiction I wasn't even admitting I had a year ago. Now that I KNOW I have a problem, I'm using the fact that I can't cleanse as an excuse to further justify my bad behavior. 
     I still have some tools. The products I can eat have some qualities to assist me with the addiction, plus I can utilize Rod Hairston's wonderful new coaching program for a healthy mind and body. (I'm in heaven about this addition to a company that already stands for integrity and completeness in everything it does!) And I still and always have the power of prayer. Now, I can add to my tools that I have knowledge, which I've been told is power. (Ha! See how I did that there?)
     Much as I hated admitting I'm addicted to food, God — in his infinite wisdom — blessed me with a girl's writing yesterday to confirm that I am SUPPOSED to share this with you. Isabelle Loux has written about her struggles with anxiety and depression, writing I'm blessed that she's allowing to be published in Mighty Strong Girls. But the truth is, her perspective has blessed me as the writing of so many girls in this ministry has! 
     They constantly remind me that we don't get help in the dark. We MUST bring our struggles into the light. There, we find hope, mercy, Jesus, forgiveness and community. We discover we aren't alone, and mostly importantly, we help one another. 
     If this resonates with you, then join me, please. Help me be accountable, and I'll help you. Let's live this struggle out — in the light. Let this post be the start of a conversation, and let's get really real with one another!

Three ways to lessen fear

     You know what's really beautiful about fear? Perfect love casts it out. 
     The theme of my blog post this week is about fear. Some days I have none, and other days, I seem so consumed with it that it paralyzes my everyday tasks. 
     If you have fears a lot, or even occasionally, you are in good company. Even some of the most courageous heroes of the Bible had moments of hesitation and chances to overcome great fears, which always strengthened their faith. Fear is really an opportunity to grow closer to God.
     When I struggle with the choking squeeze of something threatening, I look to their stories to be reminded of how I can overcome. 
     Here are three ways to face fear: 
     1. Timing is everything. I love the story of Esther. I especially love how perfectly every detail is spun in time. The fact that she was fasting (and likely praying) before she made her move. Patience is often key when it comes to acting on things. Fear promulgates an irrational sort of impulsiveness. But being impetuous can cause anger, missteps and regrets. Love, on the other hand, is patient. 
     Esther had the courage to petition the king by way of a banquet for him and Haman. The king tells her that he will give her virtually anything she asks for. Yet she simply asks the king and Haman to come to another banquet the following night and then she will ask her question of the king. 
     Why didn't she just ask then? The story doesn't tell us. What a strange thing to do! Did she lose her courage? Or was she simply waiting on God's perfect timing?
     Later that night, when the king is wrestling with sleeplessness, he asks to look at the book of chronicles, a record of his reign. That is when he is reminded of the man, Mordecai, who saved King Xerxes life when he reported overhearing two guards talking about assassinating him. It was then King Xerxes realizes that nothing was done to thank or reward Mordecai. He falls asleep with a deep appreciation of the man he had forgotten to remember and a plan to right that wrong!  
     The next night, Esther reveals Haman's evil plan to destroy all Jews because of his hatred for Mordecai. 
     Can you imagine how this story would have turned out if the king didn't recall who Mordecai was? 
     God is in every detail. He is in the timing, His perfect timing. He is patient and just. 
     We can face our fears by being patient and trusting in God's timing. 
     2. Let your freak flag wave. One of my favorite lines from Shrek the Musical, letting your freak flag wave is another way of saying don't be afraid to be bold and true to yourself. 
     I wonder if Noah had any fears as he was building the ark. Will this thing float? How will the animals get on board? How will they get along? How will my family get along? Will it be done in time? Not to mention the fear of what everyone was thinking and saying about him as he built the ark. 
     The Bible is often vacant of the emotion, leaving the reader to imagine what was going through the minds of God's people. Genesis only tells us what Noah did; it doesn't reveal to us how he felt. But it doesn't take a rocket scientist to imagine that Noah was one freak-flag-waving dude. He was obedient. He trusted God, despite how strange he must have seemed to those around him. 
     One of my favorite verses in the Bible is Genesis 8:11, which inspired a beautiful mosaic that my daughter made last year of the dove carrying an olive branch in its beak. The verse simple says, "When the dove returned to him in the evening, there in its beak was a freshly plucked olive leaf! Then Noah knew that the water had receded from the earth." 
     First off, that exclamation point is a big clue. The authors in the Bible don't tend to overuse them like the author of this blog does! It was a big, hairy deal that after 40 days of non-stop raining and another 150+ days of flooding and then receding of another 40+ days there was a leaf. 
     Genesis 8:11 doesn't include the word HOPE, but in my mind, it's the theme of this verse. It's the reward for waving the freak flag. God always comes through when we are obedient to Him. The master of the universe knows what He's doing. Trusting Him = overcoming fears. 
     3. Put fear in perspective. The fears we face often seem way bigger from our limited vantage point. 
     Just think of puny David slaying Goliath. Nobody thought it could be done. The Isrealites plotted and they planned, but in the end, they chickened out. And here comes this unlikely hero, saying he will face the giant that had an army cowering like a toddler trembling under the sheets afraid of a monster under the bed.
     Then David rejects the armor and helmet and takes five smooth stones and his slingshot instead. Can you imagine? He, too, was waving a freak flag, folks! Even Goliath mocks David. But in typical limited human mind fashion, David was over prepared for the job. He only needed the one stone, which sank into Goliath's forehead and knocked him to the ground, striking him dead. 
     When I think of those things that cause me to tremble, I have to remember to trust God. He has the timing figured out. He has prepared me uniquely for the job, freaky though I might feel at times, and He has more than equipped me for the task. I'm praying next time I begin to fear, I will trust more and leave the extra four stones behind.