This year's swimsuit shopping shocked me!

Something new happened when I went shopping for a bathing suit this year. It was unexpected and shocking. 

First, I found several on the rack that I sincerely liked — and not because of the label language that goes something like this: "flattering on all figures" or "pattern that disguises tummies" or "perfect for post maternity (and moms who had babies 10 years ago and still can't get the weight off)."

 

So I stepped in the dressing room with an armful of suits and something new: optimism. Oh, two something news. I also brought an accomplice.

 

I pulled on a bathing suit top first. It tied around the neck and the midriff, with a mostly open back. There were four layers of ruffles down the front. It was black and white and bright pink with lots of polka dots. It was very happy and fun. So much so that I had taken two tops of similar styles with me into the dressing room. 

“Oooo, mom, I love it. It looks so good on you!” said my enthusiastic 11-year-old daughter after she secured the ties in the back.

Normally a suit like this would have specific “triggers” for self loathing: the low cut that might show off a mole I don’t like, the general wide exposure of the back that could reveal the folds of skin on my “fat back.” 

Those were the reject-worthy features I was specifically looking for, but here’s what was unexpected. I didn’t see them, the negative things. The mole. The rolls. Maybe they were there, maybe not. All I saw was a pretty phenomenal looking middle-age woman in a bathing suit that flattered her figure. 

“Wow,” I replied. “I love it, too! Well, I guess I’ll try on the others to see if I like any of them.”

Normally, that would be a bad idea. If you’ve ever shopped for a swimming suit, I’m pretty sure this is a golden rule. If you find one that you like — even the slightest bit — you stop trying on suits immediately and buy it. The odds of further swimming suit shopping success are stunted at best. To keep trying them on is an invitation for disappointment.

It had been two years since I graced the dressing room with a bathing suit. I typically shop at a large department store with a huge selection and a range of reasonable prices. I would not mind paying more for a suit that made me look more fit than I am. In the past, I might have even considered taking out a loan for one that could erase 20 years. 

I would drag a dozen suits illegally (six item limit and all….as if you really want to make the walk of shame to the discard rack that many times!) to the dressing room. What kind of lighting is this, I would wonder, as I pulled off my clothing and contemplated the frumpy, stretched and pocked thighs and belly appearing before me. 

Well, it must be a combination of the lighting and this cheap mirror, I would think, because there’s no way I really look like that. Do I???? 

So after the first 12 discards and the walk of shame, I would creep back into a different dressing room — the one in the back where the flickering fluorescent light is, a gamble that a shadow or six might improve things — my shoulders sagging a bit more than the time before. 

As I would suck in my stomach and fight with myself about the fact that I am now one size away from the plus sizes — how did that happen? — I would pray that this one would be THE ONE.

 

A match made in heaven. 

 

A God-ordained suit that would make me look like I didn’t just down a pantry of Doritos and glazed donuts washed down with a monster-size fountain soda.  (I don't really eat those things...I just have a figure that indicates that I do.)

Please, God, please! 

 

Make this torture end. 

 

I manage to get by most days with a decent self-respecting confidence, and this feeling is uncomfortable. I KNOW I am more valuable than the way I look in a bathing suit, but is it too much to ask for you to ordain a bathing suit for me that will make me feel good about myself while swimming, too? 

So here I am, two years later, loving one suit and trying on two more. 

The second one is tricky. It’s adorable — bright pink and polka dots — but it’s hard to tug on. It’s a size too small. It fits, but the fight of putting it on isn’t worth it. I set it aside. If they have it a size up, I know I’ll buy this one, too. 

And my daughter, she loves it! She’s gushing about not just the suits but how great they look on me. I could do this all day. This happiness and pleasure in a dressing room is unheard of...I think I heard the clerks discussing whether to have security on backup in case I was delusional, on the verge of breakdown and putting the whole store at risk.

It’s about this point I realize that I had not showered yet today. We worked at a garage sale all morning, and I had no makeup on. Can you believe it? I was shopping for a bathing suit with no makeup on, with hairy armpits. Unheard of! The giddy factor just raised two notches, and I could definitely hear murmurs of disbelief on the other side of the door.

I’m grabbing the third suit at this point. It’s floral print with a style that is reminiscent of the 1950s. I absolutely love this suit, so I’m praying God will make this a match, too! Why not? Things are going so well.

I pull up the straps of the one-piece, and my daughter is in love with it. I spin and look. Wow! I look like Marilyn Monroe. Curvy and carefree and cute as a button. 

I step out of the dressing room, my shoulders back, my neck stretched high, my chin up. I meet up with my husband and son. 

“You’re never going to believe this,” I say, still reeling from the shock myself. “but I love every suit I tried on. This never happens. So which one do you like?” 

I hold them up and he picks the pink polka dot. I go to the rack and grab the next size up. Unfortunately, it was mislabeled and I had to return it. I ended up getting the Marilyn Monroe number. I love how it makes me feel. 

I spend the next several days reflecting on this experience. What changed in two years? 

Initially, I attribute it to the fact that I had my daughter there, cheering me on, telling me how fabulous I looked in every single suit. I must admit, that was nice. I think I will bring her next time. She saw me the way I should have seen myself, and it was a good check and balance. I believe she helped me see past the self criticism, as I always choose my adjectives wisely around her when it comes to the way I see myself. 

Here’s the kicker, though. I was shopping at Wal-mart. I would normally never consider buying a bathing suit at Wal-mart. The dressing room was a mess. The lighting and mirror had to be way less flattering than anything I had ever been exposed to in a suit. 

Aside from her comments, I was giddy about how nice I looked in the suits. I think mostly what happened was a shift in my perspective — a transformation that began on the inside two years ago that made me look at my physical self in a whole new way. 

I cannot be absolutely sure, but I am fairly certain I am bigger and weigh more than I did two years ago. 

I’m learning to love myself — even without makeup. Even the stretch marks. The ones my husband has loved since they day they became part of me — somewhere in the sixth or seventh month of my second pregnancy. Badges of honor, he called them. Rewards for being able to be the mother of my son, the miracle conception. Well worth it to wear them the rest of this life. 

Easy for him to say. 

Turns out it was easy for me to say, too, but simply harder to believe. My baby will turn 10 this summer, and I can FINALLY just now in this moment at age 40 agree that I love them when I look at them. It’s true…I LOVE my stretch marks. 

It’s funny when I mentioned them the other day, my husband insisted I didn’t have any. He applauded them 10 years ago and forgot them in the time that’s lapsed since. He doesn’t see them anymore. Or at least he doesn’t label them. They are simply a part of me like any other part. 

Why do we loathe a process of change that is God-ordained. My physical beauty is SUPPOSED to fade — or droop, depending on your perspective. Stretch marks, spider veins, wrinkles, grey hair…they are all part of life and aging. If God created us, and this is natural aging, then it is GOOD! Why on earth would we ever presume to criticize the work of a holy, loving God?

What is even better than how I look in this moment is the transformation of realizing the truth in this. What I love most about my swimming suit experience isn't that I loved what I saw, it's that I loved what I FELT. The emotional part was exhilarating!

2 Corinthians 4:16 says “So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.” 

Praise be to God for the transformation that is the renewal of my inner self who sees what God sees: True beauty!

Life, and God, can get a little risky

     I've been thinking a lot about risk taking. What that looks like. Why it's important in your walk of faith. How it draws you closer to God. How risks, when taken because God called you to action, are acts of obedience meant to draw you into a closer love relationship with the Lord. 

     They are different for every person. Something that seems incredibly risky to me may seem like a walk in the park to you, and something bold I've done may be something you could never do. And God wouldn't call you to it. 

     I believe God calls ALL of us to take risks. Risks that are appropriate for the unique ways in which He created each one of us. It's not fair or right to judge another's walk of faith and obedience to Christ — as brothers and sisters we are to seek out only our relationship with Him and to love and support one another as we each step out in faith.

     That act of faith may be to share our testimony with one person. It might be to speak publicly in front of 3,000. It could be that our risk is going on a short-term mission trip for the weekend to a nearby city. Or God could call us to uproot our family and become missionaries in a far-away country. 

     Risks. We all MUST take them if we want to grow our faith.  

     As I have been pondering the concept, I was browsing the local library. 

     I headed to a familiar shelf in the little, little kids section. Straight to an author I love. Straight to my favorite of her amazing books. Verdi. I wasn't thinking about risk. I was just thinking that I super appreciate Janell Cannon's writing, and I wanted to revisit a classic that makes me smile and warms my soul. 

     My children were 3 and 5 when we first read this book. And re-read it every night for two weeks until it was due back at the library. We checked it out more than once. Grandparents have read it, too. Cannon is an amazing writer who beautifully tells stories of human struggle  using animal characters. 

     Verdi is a python. It just so happens that he is a risk-taker, an adventurer at heart. When he realizes the older pythons are boring, laying around all day and complaining, he tries to avoid growing old. But an accident grounds him, and he is at the mercy of the older pythons who rescued him as they talk about the risks they took in their youthful days while he heals. 

     They invite him to join them when he's ready to go back out into the jungle, but he refuses. Verdi soon realizes life can be appreciated when he slows down. When two young pythons approach him teasing him for being old and uninteresting, he takes them by surprise when he teaches them some of his old tricks. 

     In the end, Verdi decides that it's OK to enjoy and express all sides of his personality — an adventurer who loves life in the quiet and the risks.

     This morning, I opened up my emails to this blog update by author and speaker Seth Godin, and it was yet another reminder of the reason we sometimes MUST take risks:

     Thanks to technology, (relative) peace and historic levels of prosperity, we've turned our culture into a crystal palace, a gleaming edifice that needs to be perfected and polished more than it is appreciated.
      We waste our days whining over slight imperfections (the nuts in first class aren't warm, the subway isn't cool enough, the vaccine leaves a bump on our arm for two hours) instead of seeing the modern miracles all around us. That last thing that went horribly wrong, that ruined everything, that led to a spat or tears or reciminations--if you put it on a t-shirt and wore it in public, how would it feel? "My iPhone died in the middle of the 8th inning because my wife didn't charge it and I couldn't take a picture of the home run from our box seats!"
     Worse, we're losing our ability to engage with situations that might not have outcomes shiny enough or risk-free enough to belong in the palace. By insulating ourselves from perceived risk, from people and places that might not like us, appreciate us or guarantee us a smooth ride, we spend our day in a prison we've built for ourself.
      Shiny, but hardly nurturing.
     So, we ban things from airplanes not because they are dangerous, but because they frighten us. We avoid writing, or sales calls, or inventing or performing or engaging not because we can't do it, but because it might not work. We don't interact with strange ideas, new cuisines or people who share different values because those interactions might make us uncomfortable...
     Funny looking tomatoes, people who don't look like us, interactions where we might not get a yes...
      Growth is messy and dangerous. Life is messy and dangerous. When we insist on a guarantee, an ever-increasing standard in everything we measure and a Hollywood ending, we get none of those.

     Sometimes you have to take risks to be who you really are. Sometimes you have to risk it all to enjoy life, to get the most out of it, to be a testimony of your faith to others. God is calling you to do something adventurous for Him. Will you embrace the risk? Are you interested in exploring your faith or taking it to the next level? He will gladly meet you there!

Fear and the known

Earlier this week, I took a red pen and circled five verses in Isaiah. Five verses in my church Bible reading plan. Five verses God knew I would need this week. Five verses to give me encouragement, to lift me up, to remind me how great His love is for me. 

In the midst of deadlines, changing seasons of life, new things, challenging things, scary things, things requiring more faith. In the midst of a week where stress was high and sleep simply could not be found. 

Every night I've prayed that God would wrap His arms around me and rock me to sleep. Each time, He has instead nudged me awake and into prayer. 

I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
    saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
    and will not throw you away.
 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

See, all your angry enemies lie there,
    confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
    and come to nothing.
 You will look in vain
    for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
    will come to nothing.
 For I hold you by your right hand—
    I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
    ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.'

Isaiah 41: 9-13

"Don't be afraid. I am here to help you." 

Isn't that the most lovely message from our heavenly Father? I know what I have to do, and the list is long. The deeds seem unending. There is no. way. 

Our world likes to make it seem like we — like man — can do all things. As if we're in control. And when we stumble, like we will because we can't possibly do it all, the world says we cannot admit it. 

That's a painful and lonely place to live. I'd rather have an authentic life. One where fear is not in the unknown. One where fear is met with a loving God, who tells me I don't have to worry about all things or be discouraged. I don't have to worry, because I don't have to do it alone. 

He makes a way. He reassures me. 

As the week continued and I read more in Isaiah, I found myself circling and highlighting verses with two distinct themes: 

1. Verses that speak of His unending, ceaseless and passionate love for me. 

and 

2. Verses that shout of His mighty power as the CREATOR of ALL life. 

He loves me. And He loves you. Deeply. 

From Isaiah 44-46, here are some samples of God, the 

LOVER OF MY SOUL
whom I have chosen
who formed you in the womb
your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb
I summon you by name and bestow upon you a title of honor
I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places
I have made you and I will carry you; 
I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 

and 

THE CREATOR OF ALL LIFE
Maker of all things
I form the light and create darkness
It is I who made the earth and created mankind in it. 
My own hands stretched out the heavens; 
I marshaled their starry hosts
He who fashioned the earth, he founded it
he did not create it to be empty, 
but formed it to be inhabited — 
I am God and there is no other
I am God and there is none like me. 

"He walks with me, and He talks with me."

I know I'm not alone. I feel God's presence with me even and especially in moments of the unknown. Because He is known. And in that, there cannot be fear. 

Dear God, 
Thank you for being the author of life and caring so much for me that you were there with me in my mother's womb and that you continue to call me by name. Thank you for making yourself known to me this week. Thank you for meeting me in the places where fear can take root and choking it out with your presence. Thank you for walking ahead of me and clearing the path. Forgive me, dear God, when I stumble, when I try to take control, when I try to do things as the world might dictate I should. Forgive me when I'm prideful, angry, bitter or resentful. Restore in me a pure heart, one that seeks to rest in your promises alone! Amen.

Blessings

     Maybe this is just me. Maybe God doesn't work this way for everyone. Maybe I'm slightly crazy. Maybe all of the above. 
     God seems to show up at the last minute, when I need Him most, when I have called out His name over and over, when I'm desperate. 
     It's not as if I'm NOT praying all along. It's like He waits until I am nearly ready to give up, throw in the towel, turn my back. Thank God He doesn't wait until I do; but it's as if I don't know what else to do. 
     Maybe it's because He wants my little prayers to become BIG prayers. Maybe He wants me to go from "popcorn prayers" to falling on my knees prayers. Maybe He wants me to stop thinking of my problems as "little things" because He wants to be involved in ALL of my life. Maybe He wants to see if I will really and truly go put my hands on my Jeep in broad daylight in front of all my neighbors without regard for what anyone thinks or says and pray that He will intercede. 
     Yes, I did that (luckily I had some crazy, prayer-loving friends who did it with me!). 
      I've heard it said that when you string this many coincidences together, perhaps it's time to stop thinking of them as mere "coincidences." 
     When I pray big. When I ask others to join me in praying big. God moves BIG. 
     Has this ever been the experience for you?
     Four weeks ago, I was desperately frustrated. I was not without faith, nor was I doubtful, but I saw no obvious answer. My situation went from grim to "no way out." I really wasn't sure if I would be able to get gas in my vehicle. The credit card was, in fact, past its $10,000 limit but strangely enough (or not!), it was working. 
     I bought gas. I got groceries. I prayed. And then I prayed bigger. Friends joined in prayer. We laid hands on a giant pile of paid-off metal and asked God to find a buyer who would pay all of what we wanted for it. 
     Four days later, He answered the prayer. Exactly! 
     Now the credit card is nearly down to a $0 balance. And there seems to be money in my ministry account. Not quite enough. But more than I thought! 
     It seems as if God is patting my shoulder and saying, "Didn't I promise I would take care of you?" (I can imagine Him in His big, but gentle God voice adding, "Oh, you of little faith.")
     I took my eyes off the problem and turned them to Him, and when I turned around, the problem was gone. But He's still there. Promising. Encouraging. Providing. 

Does God want you to write something down today?

Today I flipped over the sermon notes page from church and began answering questions. I don't always do this, but if a sermon is particularly compelling, I find I WANT to dive deeper. 

I get to question 4 and look up Romans 15:4, which says, 

"For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through endurance and the encouragement of the Scriptures we might have hope." 

My pastor's questions were: What does the verse say about finding encouragement? What simple, overlooked practice is required here? Will you take the action step and do it in order to enjoy endurance and encouragement.

I absolutely love how God works in my life. Earlier this week, I circle verse 3 in Proverbs 16, which says, 

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and your plans will succeed." 

As I read it, I was reflecting on two specific times in my life that I COMPLETELY surrendered to the Lord. 

1. When I quit my job at the State Journal-Register, which was barely allowing us to make ends meet in our new, huge, custom-built house. We took Financial Peace University at the same time, began tithing for the first time in our lives and just became like rag dolls in our faith. We relaxed and let God own it. Because we were out of options anyway. 

In six months, we paid down some debt, increased our expenses by tithing, created NO new debt and sold our house in the month when we thought we might actually have to put a mortgage payment on a credit card. 

I have to be very clear here. The math did NOT add up. We didn't even write a budget, because it was a bad, bad situation before I quit my job! The fact that we did what we did was only by the grace of God, a miracle that blessed our family immensely. 

2. When I accepted the Lord's call to go to Sierra Leone. I had just quit another job; we had a stack of medical debt after being debt free for a couple years; I would have to figure out how to pay for this trip and then travel alone.

I didn't ask why or resist, because the fact that this was God's will for me was made perfectly clear! 

It should be no surprise that He provided. By the time I wrote letters asking about 20 people to donate toward my trip, I had raised more than half before I asked anyone to give! By the time I went before my church's mission committee to seek a contribution toward the expenses, the trip was covered. By the time I returned, I had more donations to cover the cost of three vinyl banners and 1,000 brochures for my missionary friends. 

So, what does this have to do with the scripture in Romans and in Proverbs?

Write it down. When God provides for you, write it down so you will remember. As you go through tests, twists and turns in life later, your own written testimony — in addition to God's word, like Proverbs 16:3 — will encourage you. 

Friends, I'm going through another trial. And for the first time since high school, my stress level is through the roof. Yet, I know better. 

God has given me the gift of encouragement, and I KNOW through past experience that He will indeed provide! I'm delighted that this week He made it clear that I need to remember those instances to draw on His encouragement!

Later in Proverbs 16, verse 9, it says

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." 

In this season of my life, starting Mighty Strong Girls, I KNOW what He would have me to do. The destination is clearly marked so I know what I'm shooting for. God has given me a clear vision.

In my human tendencies, there are days I just want to arrive. I'm frustrated by what feels like spinning wheels, financial woes and shackled plans. But there is no end point for God's work. When we arrive at one destination, He creates another. My steps are truly each determined by Him and in sync with His will. And He is wiser than I am! 

I have to be ready to take each next step, focusing only on it and through Him and His provision, to reach the ultimate goal. In this manner, He keeps me close through prayer, and reliant on Him! It feels good to know He loves me so much that He wants to keep in constant contact with me! Have you ever noticed, where there's love, there's obedience — even when there's not a full understanding — so that we can keep our faithfulness?

What's your story? Write it down, even if it's only for you, to encourage you when you're in life's trenches that His provision will come in His time! Or, pray about whether God wants you to share your story as a testimony of encouragement for others! It makes such a huge difference when you can be fueled by encouragement instead of slowed down by discouragement! 

How God changed my perspective in 2012

By all accounts, the year 2012 stunk. 

* My husband started the first three weeks of the year jobless due to a severe illness. 
* I lost my $55,000-a-year job.
* I apparently lost most of my photography clients and had maybe a half dozen paying photo jobs. 
* I got called to go to Africa with no feasible way to pay for it.
* My new job pays $375 a month, before taxes. 
* We are back in debt. 
* Dan's back went out ... again. 
* We plunked more than $4,000 into the Jeep and got a car payment. 
* The washer and dryer broke. 
* My new ministry put us $3,000 further into debt. 

That's kind of depressing looking, isn't it? 

Some days, I must admit I let it get to me. Making me bitter and sullen. And that's not OK. It's a sin, in fact, as James 1:2 says I must consider it JOY when faced with trials of many kinds. Why? Because when I do, I get the promise that my faith will develop perseverance — which will make me whole. I often quote this scripture to others, and yet there were certainly days I didn't trust in God through the trials, so as I reflect on the last year, I will do so with JOY! 

Let's look at that list again: 
* Dan survived an illness that could have killed him. Praise God!
* The whole experience put me in a reflective, mortality state of mind. Which made me review my life priorities and seek God's will for my life instead. I would step onto the path to wisdom and happiness. Praise God!
* My trip to Africa was FULLY covered with enough left over to pay for brochures and 6-foot vinyl signs for my missionary friends. Praise God!
* I had just enough clients to pay the bills every month — each one arriving in God's perfect timing. Praise God!
* I got a teaching job at Benedictine that put me in contact with amazing students. Two are doing work for Mighty Strong Girls. Praise God!
* We live in a country where we can secure a loan if need be. Praise God!
* Friends interceded in prayer on behalf of Dan's back, and he was able to connect emotional/mental stress to physical stress. Once he addressed unforgiveness, his back was healed without medical intervention. Praise God!
* We were able to get a safe and comfortable vehicle for our family. Praise God!
* We got a beautiful new washer and dryer, and I got to teach my daughter how to hang clothes out to dry on a line in the winter, which she found terribly exciting and was thankfully limited to three loads of laundry. Praise God! 
* I started Mighty Strong Girls. I suspect my life will be forever blessed because of it. I am so excited to see how God uses this ministry to bring teen girls closer to Him. Better yet, I learned how to listen to God and obey His call on my life. It's totally scary and humbling and amazing to be a part of His story! Praise God! 

I pray that 2013 is as equally fulfilling as 2012! And I pray you, too, will prosper and live for Him in the coming year! 

{Hugs} 
Amy

Thankful for my man of courage!

It seemed fitting that on Sunday morning of Father's Day, as I stood brushing my hair and teeth in our (shared) family bathroom, I could hear my husband patiently readying our two children for church. 


For so many dads who wear these three letters -- D-A-D -- more as a title of burden than blessing, Father's Day is a RIGHT...for them to do as they please, to escape from their children or be pampered by them. Not my husband. There were no such expectations in our home. 


My normal morning routine with the kids is very rush-rush as I follow behind them begrudgingly picking up their messes. But Sunday mornings always offer reprieve -- a chance for me to slow down while Dan picks up the slack. 


Unlike me, he offers patient words of encouragement when they resist brushing their teeth and seeks out teachable -- or laughable -- moments in everything. 


That's because, you see, he has expectations. Expectations of who is to be as a dad and expectations for his own children so they will grow up strong in Christ. 


And so when we arrived at church to Katie Ibbotson's powerful message on a father's expectations as part of the sermon, it was a reminder to me. A reminder that our heavenly Father has expectations for ALL of us. Among those expectations are strong, influential, godly dads for our children. 


Make no mistake: This is NOT just a job for men. Women must also ensure our husbands can be the leaders in our homes -- as God designed them to be. 


Turn on your television and you'll see what society expects in a home (if a father is even present!) -- a father figure who is mocked by his family, the butt of all jokes, stripped of his masculinity and nagged like a "dripping faucet" (doesn't that sound like a Proverb!). 


And because Katie said it so eloquently, she was willing to share her words from Sunday. Here's an excerpt:


"What can a father do for his child?? Have EXPECTATIONS! A father who expects from his child, who sets forth these expectations in the lives of his children impacts not only his children but those who are watching. 


"What expectations?! Which expectations?! The written word of our FATHER in Heaven Himself sets forth the expectations of our fathers. In Romans 12:2, we read: 'Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is —his good, pleasing and perfect will.'


"Oh... men of courage... Don’t let Hollywood set forth the expectations for your loved ones. Seek his pleasing and perfect will and find the way to show your children what expectations our Father in Heaven has for a home...your home.... Read HIS word, show them what OUR Father in Heaven expects!"


Two of my favorite "daddy" photos of my man of courage. :) 

Feeling empty; Lacking love

Do you ever feel empty? 


Oh, that's just me? 


Well, I (somewhat begrudgingly) admit it: Sometimes I feel empty -- an emptiness that can't be explained. The world tells us this isn't OK. I mean, look at all the STUFF at our disposal to fill up our "emptiness." Big homes. Fast, shiny, big, beautiful bright cars. RVs. Boats. Four wheelers. Swimming pools. Fashion. Furniture. Art. Gadgets upon gadgets. Social media. Pinterest. 


Why on earth would anyone feel empty?


And yet, I do. Perhaps that's where I've gone wrong. Maybe, just maybe that's why I feel so buried, so insecure. Could it be that I've been reaching for STUFF, instead of to the ONE who can fill me up? 


Yesterday, in the depths of despair I cried out to God. Then felt slighted when he didn't show up with an answer. "I have faith," I insisted, in anger. "And I know you'll answer my prayers. Please show up here!"


Nothing.


I was left alone, I felt, with only the rambling thoughts of emptiness inside. Chief among those scattered thoughts were worries. A broken car. No job/income. Medical bills. And this unceasing desire to do more -- sponsor an orphan, feed hungry children, end the injustices I've seen firsthand in developing countries -- all the while being unable to care for my own family.


I speak as if I have faith, and I believe I do. I have left it in his hands, and I KNOW he will provide. And I know things take time, and I know he's growing me in this season of life. I do trust him!


Yet, in the midst of this, I look at what everyone else has, and I'm jealous. A jealousy that makes me angry. "I just want to pay my bills and help needy children...why can't I have more resources, God, when I want to use them to honor and glorify you?"


Is it any coincidence that I'm currently reading a book entitled "The God Who Sees You: Look to Him When You Feel Discouraged?"


I'm not sure why it continually amazes me that he meets me where I am. 


That emptiness, could it be a longing? A longing to be affirmed, valued, loved, appreciated, assured, connected, desired, celebrated, cared for and included as the author has suggested? 


Could it be that this is EXACTLY how God designed us? So that we would fill this emptiness, not with things of the world, but with him. Things, stuff and even people are unreliable. God is not. 


He may not always give us exactly what we want or ask for, but he's there. Always. And he knows our pain. He's experienced it firsthand. He chose to come to us as man, as Jesus, who endured it all -- physical pain, emotional pain, suffering, temptations, hunger, exhaustion, mocking, death. 


So it was reassuring to me as I read last night this passage in the book: 


"The real difficulty is that the unseen God is also hard to understand. His actions often don't make sense to us, and He doesn't look at things at all the way we do...


"To our limited understand, God's ways are mysterious and often counterintuitive. There are even times when, for reasons we can't fathom, God hides himself completely from us. When that happens, it's so easy for us to get wrong ideas about him. We get all mixed up about what we can see and what we can't see. And that's when we may fall into the trap of wanting to tell God what to do."


Wow. 'Cause that's exactly where I was yesterday. Telling God what to do, in the midst of my anger and confusion. 


Yes, I have faith. But I was reminded from 1 Corinthians 13:2 "...and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing."

Do I have love? Yes, I would answer. 


But then as I examine the rest of the passage, it makes me wonder, is my love: 


Patient? ...never grumbling about life's circumstances but trusting my needs will be met? 


Kind?  ...putting others above myself, not just occasionally but all the time? 


Free of envy and boastfulness? ...satisfied with what I have, who I am and where I'm at in life? ...free of bragging and boasting? 


A love that is not not self-seeking? ...who is it I want to please? 


Not easily angered? ...am I quick-tempered? Do I lash out at others? Blame others for my problems? 


Free of records of wrongs? ...do I forgive, let go and let God? Always? 


One that rejoices in the truth? ...do I live my life like God is all I need? 


Protecting? ...do I seek to protect my heart and my children's hearts from the evils of the world? 


Always trusting, hoping and persevering? ...do I question the authority of love? Do I lose hope, give up? 


I know I have faith and hope, but I still feel something is missing. After examining this scripture, it's clear I'm lacking in love. It's no wonder I feel empty! 


This is a long list. And honestly exploring the TRUTHFULNESS of love is an ongoing exercise. For me, it will require making choices daily -- sometimes hourly -- to live a life that's driven by love. 


It will be hard. It goes against what we're taught by the world. It's a lifestyle that's not revered, and it sometimes requires us to admit we've messed up. But yesterday was a reminder for me that doubt = darkness, and I want to live in the light. The light fills me up ...with God, with faith, with hope and with love. He is all I need!

Go for the SHOCK factor!

I've been emotionally charged and fired up since I first saw the Time magazine cover with a 3-year-old boy standing on a stool breastfeeding. Yet every time I've taken pen to paper, I can't find the words. 


The truth is the 'old me' could spew venom with words alongside the best of them. Just ask anyone who's been the recipient of one of my stinging emails in the past! They'll tell you. It's true. I can fire up hate in the written format. 


Or at least I could. But lately it seems God's given me this gift to mince words. Instead of reacting, I stop, breathe and contemplate my next move. Which always seems to be prayer. And then I'm suddenly at peace and don't feel the need to say or write anything, least of all hateful words. 


Well, at least I've perceived this as a gift until now. Because I'm angry about this, and it's causing some serious writer's block...and possibly profanity. Sorry about that. I'm so angry that I really want to write something using lots of four-letter words. You see I'm still struggling to find the right words, so please bear with me!


I have been praying, and I have been reading what others have to say about this intentionally shocking photograph. And it's interesting really, the conversations that are occurring. 


Sadly, all too often they're the wrong ones. Since I've stopped, breathed and prayed and still feel the need to voice my opinion, here it is. Take it or leave it. I don't care. It simply needs to come out. 


The supposed issue at hand in this divisive mothering article: attachment parenting. Good or not good?


I'm so sick and tired of the criticisms of moms and women, scattered throughout advertising and media in our country. Pitting woman against woman, forcing us to decide one way or another. As if there's only ONE right way to be a mom. Why have we not embraced the beauty of motherhood in all its diversity? 


I'll tell you why not. 


Time selected a 90-pound mother in skinny jeans for the cover shot. What an unrealistic portrayal of mother to begin with. What is the message we're sending here? The ONE right way to be a woman so typically and disgustingly predictable of the media. Thin. Fashionable. Blemish-free. Calm. In a word: Perfect. Just like these 'mommy wars' suggest there's only one way you can be the perfect mom. 


Pardon me, but it's simply bullshit.

No wonder our teenage girls are suffering from so many mental health issues that they carry right on into adulthood. 


Mind you I just returned from Africa, where literally a village will help raise a child because a mother couldn't possibly be expected to do it alone. Because that's the reality! There's no taboo about a woman exposing her breasts in public to nurse her baby, or toddler, or preschooler. Oh, the joy and beauty of open-mindedness!


So let's talk about the real issue here: we live in a society that thrives on comparisons and criticisms. If the so-called Joneses have it, then it must be good and we must all go get it. If you don't have what the Joneses have, there absolutely must be something wrong with you.


And so, here is my wish list for what the Joneses would get so the rest of us will go chasing it, too. Don't worry, it's not a long list. Are you ready?






























EYES LIKE GOD'S. 


So women will see themselves as the beautiful creations they are. 


So the media moguls will begin to portray women for what they really are: diverse and amazing. 


So we will stop picking at the specks in our sister's or brother's eyes. 


So we will help our neighbor in need. 


So we will serve one another the way Jesus so lovingly illustrated for us. 


So we will all be MOM ENOUGH! To love unconditionally. To care for, embrace and encourage ALL children, not just our own. 'Cause that's what women here used to do, you know, until we as a society decided there's something morally wrong with us helping one another out in this incredibly challenging task of raising our children to be the best they can be. 


Let's stop picking on moms. Because the truth is there are 143 million+ orphans who would take a mom regardless of whether or not she supports attachment parenting, prefers formula over breastfeeding, works outside the home or stays home, uses clothe diapers or disposable ones, allows her kids to have a cell phone or not. 


Do you see what I'm saying? These are NOT the real issues! 


According to UNICEF, there are more orphans than the entire population of Russia. 


Did you know....


Every day, 5,760 more children in our world become orphans? 


Every 2.2 seconds, an orphan ages out with no family or home. 


Older orphans are often victimized. They are prone to abuse, suicide, prostitution, slavery, being turned into child soldiers and immorality. 


If you think for a moment this isn't your problem, this is where you're wrong. These children aren't all in developing countries. There are hundreds of thousands of them in the foster care system in the United States. There are neglected and abused children and orphans in your community.


Every year, about 25,000 children age out of foster care at age 18. Of them: 
* 25 percent become homeless. 
* 56 percent enter the unemployment ranks. 
* 27 percent of emancipated male foster children end up in jail. 
* 30 percent of emancipated female foster children experience early parenthood. 


What if we took all the energy that is necessary to perpetuate these myths, these lies about womanhood and motherhood and used them to create good? 


Time magazine isn't the only one that can go for the shock factor. Let's start a movement that goes against the expectations for humankind! Let's BE MOM ENOUGH to change these statistics. 


Because the truth is if we really have eyes like God, together we can change the numbers. 




“Defend the cause of the weak and the fatherless; Maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Deliver the weak and needy from the hand of the wicked.” Psalm 82:3-4