Persistence

     Romans 12:12 

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

     When I launched Mighty Strong Girls four years ago, I wrongly assumed that because I was acting on the will of God that life would suddenly get better and easier. 

     Some things did. Partners quickly emerged. Prayers were answered. 

     But not everything was easy. Most of all, my personal growth and development. I had a long way to go to really prepare my heart and mind for this ministry work. 

     Why I didn't think I needed to transform just shows my spiritual immaturity. 

     I mean, think about it. Most all of those great men and women of the Bible who worked in the will of God had a period of preparation and trials that tested their perseverance. Moses tried to argue with God that he wasn't qualified. Nobody thought David would be God's chosen king for a nation. God called him at a young age, but he wouldn't become king for many, many years. During his journey of preparation, David's brothers mocked him for thinking he could go up against Goliath; Saul doubted him. 

     Sadly, attacks on ministry don't just come from the world. God's own people were some of the worst critics of those who were doing His work. Not even Jesus escaped criticism — some from his own earthly family. Judas betrayed Him; Peter denied Him.

     If Jesus had to overcome temptation and trials to complete His ministry, why do we think it will be any easier for us?  

     Discouragement is everywhere. And when it comes, it rains down on our desire to persevere.  How many of us want to quit (jobs, sports, diets, church, etc.) when things get hard? How often do we want to walk away when things seem too overwhelming? How many times do we want to let someone else carry the load when it seems to unbearable? 

     I'm reminded that to persevere in ministry, as in life, I must be persistent. How can I be persistent? As the scripture above states, I must not only never give up, but I must also be patient and in a constant state of prayer. 

     Often when I'm facing a major shaking in my life, as I am now, I sense from God that it's time to turn to Him in prayer. That perhaps I've turned away from Him or let my prayer life fade or that it's time to take my prayer to a new level. 

     It's time for me to get away so I can wait. To run off with my Bible and prayer journal, to spend time with my Beloved, who calls on me. It's time to be persistent — not just in doing His work. Sometimes we wrongly put the emphasis on what we can do: the busy work of crossing things off a list. But what He wants isn't our work, it's our relationship with Him. Persistence cannot be carried out without His guidance. I can't be guided without a relationship. I can't cross things off my list without Him. Sometimes, quite frankly, to persist we must simply stop. Stop doing so much. Stop relying on ourselves. Stop trying to control. 

     To wait on the Lord, as He says in His word, is to know Him. Persistently, I must wait patiently and in prayer.     

     Be honest. Doesn't that seem so much easier than trying to run and do and cross things off a list? Why do we think our Lord and Savior wants to create more work for us when all He really desires is that we wait and listen for Him? He is all we ever need.  

Overcoming my late-in-life pregnancy fears

     So, I'm probably about to have blog-rrhea. There was so much I wanted to write while pregnant, and the truth is...I was terrified to put my thoughts into writing during those months. 
     It was one of the most fearful seasons of my life.
     Fear...
     ...I would lose the baby. 
     ...something serious was wrong with the baby. 
     ...of our home sale falling apart. 
     ...that putting my kids back in public school was the wrong decision. 
     ...we wouldn't be able to afford another child. 
     ...of every single symptomatic issue I had in pregnancy. (Yes, I spent a lot of time on Google. Then I admitted I had a problem, promised to stay off the Internet and relapsed after about 24 hours. I realize I have issues!)
     ...that if I talked about any of this, something dreadful would happen. 
     ...I would gain too much weight, not be able to lose the weight after the pregnancy.
     ...I would succumb to food addictions.  
     ...of giving birth naturally, which I was trying to commit myself to doing but even my efforts left me doubting I could. 
     ...God would hate me or punish me for so many fears and doubts. 
      ...of my fears. (My anxiety disorder seemed so under control until this....all of this. It was overwhelming!)
     So I didn't write them. Or speak them. 
     But they haunted me. 
     ...at every doctor's appointment. 
     ...with every snide comment about my age in pregnancy. 
     ...in every headline about a stillbirth or studies about the dangers of pregnancy "late in life." 
     ...during the day and into the night. 
     ...as I listened to a horrendous podcast about depression in pregnancy (1 in 3 women suffer, almost always in silence) and wondered if it was me the author was describing. 
     ...with all the insomnia bouts that returned with a vengeance in my third trimester. 
     I was so glad God was speaking to me during this time and reassuring me. But me, in Amy-the-persistent-worrier fashion, continued to doubt and question. For every worry or fear, I grasped onto the one person who could bring me peace and reassurance. I had to keep going back to Him time and time again because I had such a restless spirit. I think He probably had me right where He wanted me. But I couldn't help shake my feelings of inadequate faith. It was touch and go. 
     I wish I could say that I had a great support network. I definitely had friends who were checking in on me and a husband who was there to listen to all my insecurities. 
     But for every friend who was supportive, there were three people who were negative. Some were silently protesting. Others whispered behind my back. I felt every sting. We received comments like, "How could you be so stupid (to get pregnant at your age)?" "Do you know how this happens?" and my all-time favorite said right to my face, "You're f----ed." 
     Many of these comments came from so-called friends. 
     It was so hard to share our news, not knowing what the reaction would be from a world where the attitudes about a fetus fall more along the lines of a "clump of cells," rather than my precious daughter, a life, a creation of God's. 
     An older woman having a baby seemed foolish. Heck, even I was skeptical in the beginning. It certainly wasn't our plan. 
     But it was our prayer. It was just a prayer from seven years prior...long forgotten. 
     At least we'd forgotten. 
     But someone hadn't. That one person — all holy and almighty — didn't forget the cries of my heart. And deep down, I trusted His timing. He said no to my prayer then. But He said yes to my prayer in this chapter. 
     So I trusted in Him, while so many others disappointed. 
     Faith. But a shaky, insecure, immature faith, to be sure. 
     Still, a glorious story unfolded in spite of my fears when my beautiful baby entered the world. 

Our sweet daughter, born in God's timing as His plan unfolds for our lives.

     She came naturally. But not without trouble. Her positioning was wrong. Labor, which I thought would be fast and not nearly as painful for all my preparation, didn't deliver on those promises. 
     But I was reminded that God doesn't promise life will be easy. He simply promises He will walk through it with us. 
     The birthing plan I had, the techniques I had practiced and prayed upon did not work out like I had hoped. But the scriptures I had written out on notecards gave me the hope and reassurance I need. Just as His word and my relationship with Him carried me through each day of the pregnancy. 
     Indeed, I was never alone. And I knew, no matter what happened to me or the baby, He would help me through it. After all, this was His plan, unfolding in His timing in answer to a deep prayer of my heart. 

The long awaited sonogram didn't provide the answers we were hoping for!

      I wasn't prepared for this. 
     Well, maybe a little. 
     A week before I stood staring with my jaw drooping to the floor, positive pregnancy test in hand, we finally made a decision to move forward with adoption. In an all-new way. All four of us decided we were equipped to handle a baby. We could logistically do it. We were mentally and emotionally prepared. We would go through classes and become a foster family to a newborn. It was settled. 
     And then the unthinkable happened. Six weeks shy of my 41st birthday I discovered that the two missed periods weren't symptomatic of pre-menapause. Or some fluke.
     Immediately, my doctor sprung into action. Blood test in the next three hours. Immediate appointment. She even came in at 8 a.m. on the first morning of her week off to see me. 
     Because. Because of my age, I am HIGH RISK. 
     Frankly, it seemed like more hype than necessary. I just ran a 10-mile race — seven more miles than I'd ever ran consecutively before 2014. I was down 22 pounds and feeling better than I did when I was in my 20s! I felt WAY more healthy than I did in my early pregnancies with the other two. 
     Didn't matter. Statistically speaking, I have a higher rate of complications. So does the baby. 
     Speaking of the baby's risks, I had taken prednisone in early December for a freaky outbreak of poison oak or ivy that was all over my arm and face. It was not a super high dose, but it wasn't a low dose either. 
     My doctor looked at the dates and decided rather than send me to a neonatal specialist, she would check closely for birth defects at our sonogram at 20 weeks. Specifically she mentioned mid-line birth defects of the heart, spine and possible cleft lip/palate. 
     That day came on Monday, and I was certain beyond a shadow of a doubt that God was going to show up and the results would indicate what a perfect baby I was carrying. That He would give me peace and comfort that the medicine hadn't done damage. 
     I should have known better. 
     She was wiggly and uncooperative. She spun to put her back to the "camera" and there were no good images to be had of her heart, lower spine or face. Everything else they could see just fine, especially the fact that she is a SHE. Except the places where we wanted reassurance. 
     I was angry. Because a few weeks earlier I had read a study that sonogram technology has been linked to autism/ADHD/neurological issues. I decided on the spot that we wouldn't do another one. So God HAD to show up. Right? Ugh! So why had he abandoned me?
     We had a wonderful chat with our doctor, who was honest and admitted there are risks doing another sonogram. She didn't do all the recommended sonograms on her own pregnancy. She supported our decision after she had already told us that everything they could see on the images suggested that this baby is very, very healthy. So am I and so is the pregnancy. 
     Dan and I have peace in that if there is a defect, we live in a community with the very best doctors and medical resources. Our girl will be fine. We will be fine. Even if everything isn't perfect. 
     Life is really never perfect anyhow. It's a little broken. And a little messy. And a little unpredictable. And a lot challenging. 
     Which is why we (especially me!) NEED God. That's where I should have known better. Each time I make a step of faith, I find myself in an imperfect spot. In other words, just because I trusted God and He helped me through a situation doesn't mean He's done with me. 
     Instead, there's another step I must take. Sometimes a bigger one or a harder one than the last. It's simple really. If I didn't need Him, I might let go. But He isn't letting me. This sonogram result is really a gift, reminding me that no matter how smart technology is and no matter how much I think I can handle something on my own, I'm really hopeless and helpless without Him by my side. 
     As I worked through my anger with Him for not providing this reassurance, this answer to prayer, I realized sometimes He's answering even bigger prayers of ours. I would never want to be estranged from Him, especially in my hardest hours. Especially as I continue to be bombarded with information — like statistics about stillborn babies born to older moms — and people's insane opinions that we're too old (and consequently stupid) to "let" this happen. (For the record, we had two types of infertility but just went on a super foods diet and cleanse with an amazing company!) 
     I have a confession to make, and it's hard for me to make it. Because it shows how vulnerable and untrusting and hard-hearted I am. These comments and stories and statistics have made me detached. Fear of losing the baby has made me less engaged in this pregnancy. Less excited. Less hopeful. Sadly, I realized today that a detached mom is never a good mom. 
     A baby is ALWAYS a blessing. I realized if the baby doesn't live a day outside the womb, it's still my job (and my greatest privilege) to be the best mom I can be until the point that I'm no longer a mom to this girl or my other children. 
     So I made a decision that I will begin bonding with this sweet, active girl right now. Just like my amazing son, who has been reading stories and books to the baby since before she could read. Yes, I think I will have faith like his. Faith like a child. 

Three ways to live a life of content

     Maybe it's the fact that my house is on the market and I'm at my wit's end financially and with home school. Or perhaps its that I'm constantly filled with ideas and a propensity to act boldly on them without first prayerfully considering each and every idea. Or that sometimes I pray an issue to death when I should have simply acted on, and I have an uncanny ability in 80 percent of situations to over OR under pray. Regardless of the reason or circumstances, I've been feeling like I've been living in a state of discontent. 
     The waiting room. 
     I've called it this before. It's where I sit and (God help me) pray and listen patiently (as if!) for God to answer. I'm laying it before Him and wondering if He will make the path clear. Or how long I should wait exactly before I must do something. Is it logic that's driving me or faith? I've relied of faith for so long that I'm beginning to wonder if I shouldn't just do something. I don't really want to take control away from God, but I also know God gave me a brain and skills. Logic dictates that if I'm having a struggle, I should work through it with the brains and resources He gave me. That's faith, too, right?
     It can sometimes be confusing to know just what to do, but one thing is certain. God is not a God of chaos. He beckons us into His peaceful presence, of only we will reach out and take His hand. 
     Today's blog is about three ways I can be content. 
     Content, according to the dictionary, means "in a state of peaceful happiness." Two things immediately occur to me: happiness is temporary, and to be in a state is also temporary. The dictionary defines state as "the particular condition that someone or something is in at a specific time."
     I can't say for sure, but I don't think God wants us to be content only sometimes. I think He desires for us heaping portions of contentment, because it means that even when things aren't "settled" in life, we can rely on Him to bring us peace. He also understands that we are human, and sometimes we will screw this up no matter how hard we try. 
     Here are three things that have helped me: 
     1. Count your blessings — Literally begin to write down all the things you are grateful for. My friend Jan gave me a pocket-size book that I keep in my purse. It's a place I can be intentional about the blessings that are adding up in my life. You don't need a special book, though. Keep a journal or hang up a piece of lined paper in your kitchen. Dedicate a portion of your wall and call it the "Gratitude Wall." Or, put plain paper in frames and use Dry Erase markers to write out your messages of thanksgiving every day. 
    2. Pray — Nothing makes my heart more soft than to take it to the Lord. If I'm feeling particularly unsettled or stressed out, I sit down to pray with a promise that I won't get up until my jaw isn't clenched or my shoulders are no longer tense. Whatever spot you physically experience discontentment, don't stop praying until it's no longer affected. Take deep breaths. Concentrate on the rhythm of your breathing or your heart beat while you meditate on scripture. 
     Pray whatever the Lord brings to mind. Journal your prayer. Look up scriptures that He brings to mind. Try not to be resentful of your time in prayer, because He will assuredly help you complete whatever tasks you set aside to seek Him. Trust Him. You will do more with Him than you could ever accomplish on your own in that discontented space. I speak this wisdom from experience! 
     3. Choose peace over strife — Peace really has nothing to do with how much stuff I have, whether I've paid the bills or am living debt-free. It is not related to how my kids behave or whether I've accomplished anything on my task list. Peace isn't a result of a clean house or a loving husband or what's going on around me.  
     Peace is a fruit of the spirit. So if I'm living a life filled with the love of Christ Jesus, I will find contentment. The closer I am to Him, the more I am bathing in peace. When I sometimes stray, I begin to get an uneasy spirit.
      Remember that dictionary definition of content. I think it sounds nice, but I like what Paul says about contentment in God's word. Philippians 4:11-14 is one of my favorites: 
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.  I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength. 
      We all go through periods when things aren't working out in a way we want them to. Whether it's my house selling, homeschooling, ministry work, my lack of -- and need for -- a paying job. All I really need is Him who gives me strength. 
     One of my favorite worships songs lately is Cornerstone by Hillsong United. Let these words sink into your soul:


My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus blood and righteousness
I dare not trust the sweetest frame
But wholly trust in Jesus name

Christ alone; cornerstone
Weak made strong; in the Saviour's love
Through the storm, He is Lord
Lord of all

When Darkness seems to hide His face
I rest on His unchanging grace
In every high and stormy gale
My anchor holds within the veil 

Three simple steps to be the smartest girl in the room

     OK, that title is a little misleading. This is actually a blog about three ways to get wisdom. Being smart and being wise are two different traits entirely. I know a lot of really smart, academic, intellectual, conversationally stimulating people. But most of them are unwise. 
     How could that be, you might ask. 
     Because God says so is the simple answer. 
     1 Corinthians 3:18-19a says, "Do not deceive yourselves. If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become 'fools' so that you may become wise. For the wisdom of this world is foolishness in God's sight." 
     So the wise are dummies, and God wants us to be fools. I have to admit... I'm still struggling with a complete understanding of this concept.
     But the older I become, the more this comes into focus. 
     I once thought: 
     I NEED A DEGREE
     I NEED A CAREER
     I NEED A SALARY
     I NEED A BIG HOUSE
     I NEED TO LOOK LIKE "HER"
     I NEED TO MAKE MORE MONEY
     and the even more embarassing ones where I subjected friends to what I thought they needed to do. Don't get me started on all the poor, unwise counsel I've doled out over the years. 
     Today, I have two degrees, no career, no salary, a big house (OK, we do live in America, but our family is in the process of downsizing so cut me a little slack!), am content to look just the way I do and well, I still want to make more money. (Just being honest!) 
     What does God's kind of wisdom look like? Here are three ways you can be a so-called fool by today's standards: 
     1. Pray. Seek a relationship with the Lord. If you haven't yet, dive into the Bible every day. Even if you don't believe it or don't like it. The truth is if you want to oppose Christians, you probably ought to know what they believe. Go right to the source. If you are saved, go deeper in your relationship. Read your Bible more. Pray more. 
     2. Find a mentor. Actually a lot of today's standards are beginning to preach this, often based on John Maxwell's books. He's also a Christian. My faith has grown tremendously because of my mentors. Just one word of warning, there can be some Christians who are not exactly looking out for your best interests. (And remember all the horrible advice I've churned out?) Be sure to line up their thoughts with the Bible, and pray to be certain. I've had even well-meaning friends give me some awful advice. Most of what I've learned from mentors wasn't so much from their advice as it was from their example and their encouragement. If you are uncertain of the kind of person your mentor is or they seem to be overly critical, you might want to pray about whether that's a healthy relationship. 
     3.  Get involved in Mighty Strong Girls. Oh my! Who saw that coming... what an awful sales pitch! Actually, the magazine that will be revealed on Sunday is all about WISDOM. We are beginning to theme our publications on the new names the girls get in the God Spa. So we will study for 10-13 weeks about what it means to be wise. If any of my female readers out there think they would like to lead a small group, we are looking to plant more Mighty Strong Connections groups in central Illinois. Women who want to come alongside girls to be available as mentors, to love on them, to help guide them to be who they were created to be in Christ Jesus. As a mom, I'm so thankful that my daughter is in one of these groups where she can explore her own identity when it comes to Biblical wisdom of body, soul and spirit. How we treat our minds, deal with our emotions, handle our physical beings and grow spiritually matters very much to God. 
     In fact, He's begging us to come to Him. James 1:5 says, "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you." 
    Whoa! That's huge! He has a gift he wants to give to us in heaping portions, and He isn't waiting there with a laundry list of our shortcomings to hold over our heads. Nope, He just wants us to ask. Come and get it. 
     So that's the offer I extend to you. Come and get it. Find out more about Mighty Strong Girls and how you can be a part of or help start a new small group in your home or church. We will be celebrating and selling the new issue of the magazine on WISDOM at 3 p.m. Sunday at Calvary Christian Temple in the Oasis room. Hope to see you there! 

Answering the call to pray

     God has really been speaking to me lately about prayer. 
    If you are skeptical that God actually speaks to people, be reassured that when we take the time to draw close to Him, He absolutely does! But it requires a committed relationship, and as you grow closer, His faithfulness is absolutely breathtaking. Not long ago, I believed that ordinary people did not hear from God, but prayer was the breakthrough that increased my faith. 
     I have always cherished prayer. It's not just a "thing" I do now and then but an open pattern of communication between me and the Lord. Lately, He's been bringing a new message about prayer to me. 
     Get on your knees. 
     Stay in prayer until you have peace. 
     Rest in me. 
     The sermons at church, my daily Bible reading and just about everything I come across is used by God to deliver the message to me that He wants me to REST in the power of prayer. 
     As if that wasn't enough, one my prayer partners/intercessors sends these quotes to me with no knowledge of the things God is speaking to me: 
     "I have so much to do that I spend several hours in prayer before I am able to do it." ~ John Wesley

     "Prayer is the greatest power that God has put into the hands for service -- at least I find it so. But, the dynamic lies that way to advance the kingdom." ~ Mary Slessor

     So I decide that in addition to my daily Bible and devotion readings in the morning, I need to increase my prayer. My goal is 30 minutes every morning, and I don't exactly set a watch. I simply pray over every person who is on my heart and mind. And to make sure I'm not overlooking anything, I began writing down the people/issues I am praying over and at least some of my prayer in a journal. 
     It may sound like a lot of work, but it's not! I've done this on and off before, but for the first time, I have a dedicated prayer journal. 
     And get this. I'm on day three, and He is answering prayers! It's absolutely amazing to see Him at work so mightily. 
     Here's one example: On day one, I prayed for someone to help me with Mighty Strong Girls work, specifically managing the blog, and on day two, a woman emailed me about this very subject! I asked her, and she (in prayer) accepted!
     I know not every prayer is going to be answered yes, and some are much more complicated than that. In fact, the prayers I have for Mighty Strong Girls aren't always yes/no prayers. Our whole board and a team of prayer warriors is praying daily for discernment, timing, favor, justice and wisdom over this ministry. Yes, we believe God answers our prayers. Of course the blog would keep on going without a manager, but God has a purpose and a plan that involves how He's called me and Sarah, and because we both sought Him, His purposes can be fulfilled and the blog will be that much better. Simply because we said yes to prayer. We'd love it if you would join the Mighty Strong Girls team in prayers...we covet prayer!
    I can also -- in just three days -- see signs of God's fingerprints in relationships, signs that He wants to heal not just physical ailments but also our brokenness. In fact, I'm praying specifically for my children to become more respectful. My daughter was put to the test yesterday, and more prayers were answered!
     If you enjoy prayer, I invite you to meet me here and pray with me on the blog. If you have a prayer request, leave it in the comments, and I'll add it to my list. A 30-minute investment in prayer can produce so much fruit in our lives! 
     Here is an excerpt from my written prayer this morning:
     Lord, your answer to prayer is fueling my faith and lighting it on fire! What a blessing...I praise you, the author and perfecter of life and love. Help strengthen me for your mission to bring depression and other tough issues to light -- boldly with truth and for the sake of the gospel. Give me a heart that meditates on gladness, goodness, and gratitude. Thank you for your faithfulness and all the good things you give us to meditate on for your glory! Keep my eyes ahead -- not to the left or right -- but firmly fixed on Jesus and what you're calling me to do. Amen. 

Devote yourselves to prayer, being watchful and thankful. 
Colossians 4:2

Confessing my survival mode

     I have a confession. I am apparently a tad bit fearful of change. Anxious. It makes me nervous. My palms are sweating as I begin to think about it.  
     The worst part is admitting this. Confession of this sort is kind of a big deal, and I'd rather hold onto this little shameful secret. I live most of my life pretending I'm carefree, and well, that's a lie. 
     So I'm admitting to you today that I am uptight. And I don't like change. Strange, huh? From a woman who puts together a one-woman mission trip to Africa in four weeks? I do LIKE adventures and though I do struggle sometimes, I am pretty decent at being obedient. Unfortunately, neither of those facts changes the truth that I have some real struggle with change. 
     It's important for me to work through these feelings right now because we are getting ready to list our home for sale. It's a process that started over a year ago when the I sensed God was urging me to, "Get ready for a move." 
     After joining a new church earlier this year, I thought for sure God's message was just about moving to a new church. That process was painful, difficult and challenging. God and I wrestled through emotions and my disobedience as I wanted so much to hold on to something God wanted me to let go of. Finally, after hearing clearly where God wanted me and my family to worship, I started getting content. I could ease into this. I was just getting comfortable. 
     Until our family was hit with a financial reality check. The little pie chart that Dave Ramsey uses for financial budgets was off-balance. We were spending too much of our income (er, uh, my husband's income) on housing. Two years of me with virtually no income had caught up with our family.
     It was time to reassess God's message. 
     Fortunately it was an easy decision to make. We NEED to move. We aren't living practically. We aren't living obediently. And we aren't able to do all the other things God is calling us to do with so much of our monthly income wrapped up in a mortgage payment. 
     The hard part is the preparation. Getting the house ready when one room is still in the process of renovation is a frustrating proposition. And our schedules are nightmares. But little by little, we are making strides, and hopefully in two or three weeks, there will be a for-sale sign up in our front yard. 
     As we walk through these steps, it occurs to me that I may be giving up more than just a home. I went from no worries to amped up anxiety like a car revving an engine. We don't need to live in our small community because I am homeschooling. That will help us find the best house for our budget. 
     This means more changes than just our dwelling. It may mean a new community. It may mean giving up the church I just joined that I love so much. It will mean new neighbors and friends, and possibly living an hour away from the best friends I've ever had in my entire life. 
     And, well, (GULP) that kind of change feels uncomfortable. It makes me think I should worry just a little. Even though I know I shouldn't. Even though I know that I should and I do trust God entirely. Even though I know it will all work out for our good and His glory. It doesn't stop my flesh from feeling fleshly things....like the stress of change. 
     Yes, I know that I know about the spiritual stuff. I know this is where I get to CHOOSE to have peace. But I thought you should know that even though I know, and even though it's the freedom I am privileged to experience because of the cross, I still must take it up with God daily. 
     Every day, I have to start with a prayer. I call it my survival mode. It's how I will make it from here to there. It's how I get from despair to joy and from chaos to peace. And sometimes, truth be told, I am in survival mode all day long, calling on God and drawing near because the human part of me still wants to freak out about the possibilities of the impending changes. 
     I needed to out myself, because it seems my family is virtually ready to do it anyway. They know I worry, as my mother is a worrier and her mother before her. Oddly enough, the sermons at my church have been focused on the sin of anxiety. So I'm dealing with it. I'm keenly aware, and I've got my eyes fixed upon Jesus, who heals and restores. He is my ultimate survival mode. 

An update on adoption, Denney Photography and Mighty Strong Girls

Have you ever gotten excited about something that God put in your heart? 

Two years ago, I attended an orphans conference and heard beautiful stories of adoption. I knew then and there it was something I could do, and I felt like God wanted my family to adopt. Since then, I've been excited (and anxious) about adding to our family.

A little less than a year later, my husband was at a church leaders conference when a speaker spoke for less than three minutes about adopting one of his children. Then and there, he received God’s word that we are to adopt. Seven months or so later, our children were able to instantly “find” enough money to cover the fees for an application for adoption. So we applied. We earnestly thought it was God's will. We were all comfortable with the challenges adoption brings and excited to see God's glory shine in and through the brokenness.

 

But then there was a communication snafu with the adoption agency we were working with, and it seemed we were already late with the $5,000 fee, on top of needing anywhere between $2,000-$6,000 for our home study that needed to begin right away. We thought we had 90 days to raise the money, and because our case worker dropped the ball in explaining anything to do with finances, they were gracious and gave us a 30-day extension. 

We were super busy at the time with the kids and Dan being in Jungle Book and me writing and photographing on deadline for Mighty Strong Girls, so it was obvious that if it was God's will for us to adopt right now with this agency, it would be His miraculous act that would make it possible. We ended up with a $50 donation right away and then nothing.  The 30 days came and they went.

Part of me wanted to (still wants to?) grieve. I have been saving the kids' clothes for hand-me-downs, dreaming of bedroom remodels. We've been praying for our children. We've been faithful. We've been hopeful. 

And yet, reality was hitting us hard over the head. Both kids NEED new mattresses, and we have no way to buy even those. We have a couple medical bills in collections, and then we discovered that the credit card we use for Mighty Strong Girls, Trades of Hope, gas and occasional food had suddenly been "maxed out." There was only $2,000 of "wiggle room," and while we knew I was without the teaching job that paid $500 a month, we didn't guard this very carefully and it grew. 

 

Why do I share such intimate details? Most people cringe at personal finance stories.

 

I KNOW that many of us go through such trials, and because we announced our adoption here, it seems only fitting to announce our un-adoption here with the reasons. 

 

YES, I believe in a big God who can do all things, and I had a few in the adoption community call out my doubt. But as former leaders of Financial Peace University, we knew we were being less than good stewards by letting things slide. Does God want us to adopt AND pay off our debt? Yes! But we believe He stopped this process so that we could see that it's time to right the financial wrongs FIRST so we can then get back to the adoption He so clearly put on our hearts and continue living in the principles He has taught us. He's here to help us not to hurt us!

 

I was feeling shame and regret, condemnation and criticism because I thought we failed, that I failed. That I disappointed my family. None of these are feelings are of God! 

 

Did we somehow screw up? You betcha! We are human, and we stumble. We know better. Oh my gosh, we know so much better. And if wasn't for the grace and glory of God, we would have far more debt right now than we do. Plus, we know what to do to get out of it. 

 

Here's where it gets sticky. It seems obvious to "get out of it," I need to get a job, right?

 

But something about scanning classifieds and considering a $15 per hour graphic design job seemed "icky." I could invest (I guess on credit) in Denney Photography. 

 

So I went back to "basics," the basics that have led me thus far. I prayed. I asked God to intervene, to show me the path to take, AND I promised I would be obedient. Uh-hum, the sticky part. 

My daughter had passed out magazines to the teen girls on the Jungle Book cast, and one of the moms wanted to talk to me. I knew this on Friday but didn't run into her. Saturday morning was when I went on a bike ride and I said my prayer before going to work at Jungle Book. It was then that I ran into her — the nameless woman I had never before met. It was SO WEIRD! She was asking questions and shaking her head in agreement before she spoke. She admitted she didn't read the magazine but only saw the cover. Then she began speaking to me with authority. It was almost like God was standing there talking to me through her! She looked me dead in the eyes and said, "If you are really serious about this, you have to give it everything you've got." 

I have always felt like this is what God wants of me. To brush all else aside. To focus on Mighty Strong Girls alone. It seems impossible, as there is barely enough in faith pledges to cover the basic necessities, let alone a salary of any sort. Plus, it was my photography that literally saved our butts in the last couple weeks as Dan took three days off for his grandpa's death and funeral (he doesn't get paid time off).

I absolutely believe and KNOW that God can do all things, and that the timing isn’t for us to figure out. I can count at least a half dozen reasons the adoption isn't in His timing right now, the most important being that it's about the kids He has planned to join our family.

So, what does this mean for our family? A lot of scary things, I suppose. A restructuring of Mighty Strong Girls is coming that will allow it to be both a mission (Business as Mission) AND a ministry. It will open up doors for us to sell magazines, advertising, event tickets and other things that simply aren't acceptable under IRS rules with our Ripe for Harvest partnership. We still are accepting and NEED donors more than ever. Those are tax-deductible through account 381 with Ripe for Harvest, and they allow us to do printing of the magazine as well as one-on-one ministry with preteen and teen girls.

It also means I am closing the doors on Denney Photography. I won't renew the website, so if you have a gallery online, place your orders soon! At first, this saddened me, but in prayer, I don't think it's the end of my creative and portrait photography work. For one thing, I am doing this now for Mighty Strong Girls, which gives me great joy! We can set up a shopping link on the Mighty Strong Girls website and sell prints from the magazine to help offset our expenses. Also, I will continue to take photography work as God brings it to me without investing time and money in marketing it. I don't need fancy tools, flashy props or sophisticated websites to bring me the small amount of work it would take to help our family. And this way, I can feel free to say no if it interferes with Mighty Strong Girls. I don't know entirely what this looks like, and I'm not convinced that He won't tell me to drop it all together. But God has certainly used my photography to bring blessings to others and to our own family's mission work, so I'm not feeling like the rug should be ripped out here. 

As for Trades of Hope, I'm a little less certain. God clearly brought that to me. But I never felt like I was to sell it, so for now, I'm simply praying.

Clearly a lot is in flux, so more than anything, I would appreciate your prayers. I believe in Mighty Strong Girls more than ever, and I know that's where God would have me focus all the energy and time I can offer. But I can't do it without your help, your support and your prayers. Thanks for them...they are literally the fuel that keeps me going!

How blessed am I?

     An attitude of gratitude. 

     I have a habit of repeating those four words. A lot. 

     They aren't my words. In fact, I don't know whose words those are. They sure do resemble some of God's words. "Give thanks in EVERYTHING," are words from His book. Paul writes about trials and sorrow being considered pure joy...because contentment is found in Christ alone. 

     I throw these words around like I own them: "Let's start every prayer, every day, every thought with an attitude of gratitude." I'm not saying them for teen girls or my friends or my family. 

     I. Am. Saying them. For. ME. 

     That's right. I'm selfish. I like stuff. I get caught up in worldly desires. I want, want, want. All the time. I justify. I cave in to my children's begging and their desires. I honestly believe things like, "If we just had more....," "We will give _________(fill in the blank) as soon as we make $__________(fill in the blank," "We would ___________(fill in the blank) if we could, but clearly we can't." 

     On top of all that, I whine about bad days, complain about my kids, have secret desires that my husband would make more, do more, make less, do less (circle one or two, depending on my mood that day). 

     You see, my heart is not pure. In fact, God says my heart is "deceitful above all things," from Jeremiah 17:9. Can you believe it? 

     So I must CONSTANTLY remind myself to be thankful. Always. Every moment of every day. 

     Because I have so, so much to be thankful for — great health, food three (or more) times every day, a roof over my head, a van to get me where I need to be, wonderful friends, the most amazing husband and two children who weren't supposed to be born. I have abundantly more than I deserve. 

     For two and a half years, I lived a VERY UNGRATEFUL life. I couldn't get pregnant, and then I was told the odds that I'd ever have a child were quite small. Maybe about 5 percent. 

     Back then, I was starting to think again maybe God was real. I had been raised in the Lutheran faith, churched my entire childhood and then convinced throughout my college years and early career that there was no God. High school friends had planted seeds of doubt, and liberal professors sowed them. I was cultivating the ideas when I met my husband. We were both highly doubtful, to say the least. 

     We were desperate, though, when we wanted to have a baby. And so we asked for prayers. Our names were added to prayer lists. Yet, we never prayed. 

     But you see, God loves us so much that He gives us exactly what we need when we need it. He answered the prayer we never prayed, and He gave us Abby. And then even more miraculously, He gave us Ryker. Undeserving, unbelieving sinners. He answered. He gave. Because He loved. 

     Those answered prayers led us to the town where we live now, to the church where we were born again, to the life God wanted for us, to a place where we would seek Him and walk in His will. 

     He is so very wise. 

     There are prayers He is answering on our behalf from others that we don't even know about. There are ways He is moving because of His love for us. He is almighty, omniscient and omnipresent. 

     For that, I must respond with an attitude of gratitude. For all I am and all I have, I owe to His great mercy and grace. 

     Daily it is my pleasure to thank Him. I do so by choice, a free will that He bestowed on me, and I'm not under any obligation. I thank Him because I love Him. I love Him because He loves me. 

     My attitude of gratitude is a song of praise to the heavenly King! Singing it brings me great joy. 

“May these words of my mouth and this meditation of my heart be pleasing in your sight, Lord, my Rock and my Redeemer” (Psalm 19:14).

Dear Miley,

      Bravo, girl! You DID it; you really did it! You lowered the price for selling yourself and to an even bigger audience. What a success story! 
      Thanks for letting my daughter's generation know that price for being on their T-shirts in grade school was too high by lowering yourself to an all-time low of cheap. 
      Clearly you have liberated yourself by owning your body. Thanks for paving the way on that. Thanks for bringing sex down to a child's level with teddy bears and bubble gum, because clearly we aren't showing our children enough sex. Better make it more appealing, kind of like creating drugs that look like candy. That's classy.  
      So is gyrating, jamming things between your legs and showing most of your body to a national audience on an awards program that is watched mostly by teenagers. You are  obviously showing the world true girl-power. And you've taken trashy art to a whole new level. You must be proud. 
      Plus, you clearly outsmarted everyone and elevated yourself to a brand-new category of "thing."
      Thanks for creating headlines so that those of us who have long since tuned you out could see what you're up to, and pray. 
      Sincerely, 
      A mom who still sees you as a beautiful creation, no matter what

      All sarcasm aside, the real question I have is why is this today's "ohmygosh" news feed item? 
      Did this really shock you? 
      Perhaps we should know by now that this is what happens when a child is "sold" into the entertainment business at a young age. She learned early on that she was a product to be consumed. It came with money, lots of it, and fame and boys and stuff. 
      Don't we know by now that sex sells. In fact, it's BIG, BIG business. Here in America, there is plenty to be sold but even more to be bought. Our lovely land of liberty is filled with eager buyers. 
      Maybe we shouldn't be so mad at Miley. Maybe we should look inwardly. Maybe we should be concerned because human sex trafficking is THE fastest-growing business of organized crime and the 3rd largest criminal enterprise in the world. 
      Maybe we should look around in our culture at how we have demasculinized men and glamorized fatherless families. We are raising a generation of boys who have learned that they can buy whatever they want — even physical pleasure. Is it a mystery why so many girls growing up today are seeking to fill a void in the attention/affection/love department? Check out the instant gratification, the unsupervised preteen population online, growing numbers of broken families, the growing pornography business, the way we continually self-medicate...and ask yourself again, was Miley's show really so shocking? 
     According to the FBI, "the majority of sex trafficking is international with victims taken from places such as south and southeast Asia, the former Soviet Union, Central and South American and other less developed areas and moved to more developed ones, including Asia, the middle East, Western Europe and North America."
      Yes, we are really good at building up a culture of object-loving men who stand ready to buy sex and look at women as things, trash, junk, products. And we're not so bad at raising generations of girls with self esteem problems who are willing to go to great lengths to look like the packaged women on the covers of magazines at our supermarket checkouts, many of whom are desperate for love and affection anywhere they can find it. These aren't statistics. They are your neighbors, friends, people in the pews in your community church.
      Instead of lashing out at Miley, maybe we could better expend our energy on something that matters. Change. 
      It's time for change. It's time for girls to see themselves as valuable. It's time for boys to respect girls and treat them like the treasures they are. It's time to sort through the lies, the sexualization, the objectification, the trafficking and begin to align it with the TRUTH. 
      Not even Miley is that far from it. Once upon a time, she stood in an audition and proclaimed her faith. She knows of a heavenly Father who loves her dearly. But like many of us, she was fed lies, a lot of lies — big, beautiful, colorful lies repeated many times over — so much she began to believe this was what was true. 
      Instead of shaming her, and girls like her, maybe we could, I don't know, pray for her. Pray for her and for Robin Thicke. Pray for her generation, for our children. Pray we don't become so desensitized to casual sex that we can't find our way out of the mess it creates. Because I fear that we are sitting in the middle of a pretty big mess already. God created ALL things, sex included, and like all things, we abuse the design of sex when our sin touches it. 
      Pray for the one thing that can deliver us, no matter how far we've gone into darkness. We have a Redeemer, one who can make us new. One who can give us hope. One who gives us eternal life. One who has declared victory for us. 
      Pray that we seek truth and find it in the name of Jesus. 

      P.S. If you are a dad of girls or can forward this to a dad of girls, a friend sent it to me yesterday. It's a powerful way you can build up the confidence in our girls and attempt to avoid her falling for our culture's lies. Despite the prevalence of media in our children's lives, parents are STILL and will always be the No. 1 influence on their children. This is a short read of five very easy tips for dads that you won't regret reading: http://www.covenantrelationships.org/2013/02/5-things-every-daughter-needs-to-hear.html

Fear and the known

Earlier this week, I took a red pen and circled five verses in Isaiah. Five verses in my church Bible reading plan. Five verses God knew I would need this week. Five verses to give me encouragement, to lift me up, to remind me how great His love is for me. 

In the midst of deadlines, changing seasons of life, new things, challenging things, scary things, things requiring more faith. In the midst of a week where stress was high and sleep simply could not be found. 

Every night I've prayed that God would wrap His arms around me and rock me to sleep. Each time, He has instead nudged me awake and into prayer. 

I have called you back from the ends of the earth,
    saying, ‘You are my servant.’
For I have chosen you
    and will not throw you away.
 Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
    Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
    I will hold you up with my victorious right hand.

See, all your angry enemies lie there,
    confused and humiliated.
Anyone who opposes you will die
    and come to nothing.
 You will look in vain
    for those who tried to conquer you.
Those who attack you
    will come to nothing.
 For I hold you by your right hand—
    I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
    ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.'

Isaiah 41: 9-13

"Don't be afraid. I am here to help you." 

Isn't that the most lovely message from our heavenly Father? I know what I have to do, and the list is long. The deeds seem unending. There is no. way. 

Our world likes to make it seem like we — like man — can do all things. As if we're in control. And when we stumble, like we will because we can't possibly do it all, the world says we cannot admit it. 

That's a painful and lonely place to live. I'd rather have an authentic life. One where fear is not in the unknown. One where fear is met with a loving God, who tells me I don't have to worry about all things or be discouraged. I don't have to worry, because I don't have to do it alone. 

He makes a way. He reassures me. 

As the week continued and I read more in Isaiah, I found myself circling and highlighting verses with two distinct themes: 

1. Verses that speak of His unending, ceaseless and passionate love for me. 

and 

2. Verses that shout of His mighty power as the CREATOR of ALL life. 

He loves me. And He loves you. Deeply. 

From Isaiah 44-46, here are some samples of God, the 

LOVER OF MY SOUL
whom I have chosen
who formed you in the womb
your Redeemer, who formed you in the womb
I summon you by name and bestow upon you a title of honor
I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places
I have made you and I will carry you; 
I will sustain you and I will rescue you. 

and 

THE CREATOR OF ALL LIFE
Maker of all things
I form the light and create darkness
It is I who made the earth and created mankind in it. 
My own hands stretched out the heavens; 
I marshaled their starry hosts
He who fashioned the earth, he founded it
he did not create it to be empty, 
but formed it to be inhabited — 
I am God and there is no other
I am God and there is none like me. 

"He walks with me, and He talks with me."

I know I'm not alone. I feel God's presence with me even and especially in moments of the unknown. Because He is known. And in that, there cannot be fear. 

Dear God, 
Thank you for being the author of life and caring so much for me that you were there with me in my mother's womb and that you continue to call me by name. Thank you for making yourself known to me this week. Thank you for meeting me in the places where fear can take root and choking it out with your presence. Thank you for walking ahead of me and clearing the path. Forgive me, dear God, when I stumble, when I try to take control, when I try to do things as the world might dictate I should. Forgive me when I'm prideful, angry, bitter or resentful. Restore in me a pure heart, one that seeks to rest in your promises alone! Amen.

Blessings

     Maybe this is just me. Maybe God doesn't work this way for everyone. Maybe I'm slightly crazy. Maybe all of the above. 
     God seems to show up at the last minute, when I need Him most, when I have called out His name over and over, when I'm desperate. 
     It's not as if I'm NOT praying all along. It's like He waits until I am nearly ready to give up, throw in the towel, turn my back. Thank God He doesn't wait until I do; but it's as if I don't know what else to do. 
     Maybe it's because He wants my little prayers to become BIG prayers. Maybe He wants me to go from "popcorn prayers" to falling on my knees prayers. Maybe He wants me to stop thinking of my problems as "little things" because He wants to be involved in ALL of my life. Maybe He wants to see if I will really and truly go put my hands on my Jeep in broad daylight in front of all my neighbors without regard for what anyone thinks or says and pray that He will intercede. 
     Yes, I did that (luckily I had some crazy, prayer-loving friends who did it with me!). 
      I've heard it said that when you string this many coincidences together, perhaps it's time to stop thinking of them as mere "coincidences." 
     When I pray big. When I ask others to join me in praying big. God moves BIG. 
     Has this ever been the experience for you?
     Four weeks ago, I was desperately frustrated. I was not without faith, nor was I doubtful, but I saw no obvious answer. My situation went from grim to "no way out." I really wasn't sure if I would be able to get gas in my vehicle. The credit card was, in fact, past its $10,000 limit but strangely enough (or not!), it was working. 
     I bought gas. I got groceries. I prayed. And then I prayed bigger. Friends joined in prayer. We laid hands on a giant pile of paid-off metal and asked God to find a buyer who would pay all of what we wanted for it. 
     Four days later, He answered the prayer. Exactly! 
     Now the credit card is nearly down to a $0 balance. And there seems to be money in my ministry account. Not quite enough. But more than I thought! 
     It seems as if God is patting my shoulder and saying, "Didn't I promise I would take care of you?" (I can imagine Him in His big, but gentle God voice adding, "Oh, you of little faith.")
     I took my eyes off the problem and turned them to Him, and when I turned around, the problem was gone. But He's still there. Promising. Encouraging. Providing.