My food addiction revelation

     So I'm standing in the mirror, just after a shower and getting frustrated at yet another hive-pimple breakout on my cheek. 
     And I have this ah-ha moment that's kind of depressing. I realize I have to admit something. Not just to myself, but to this blog and to anyone who will listen. Because God told me to share. (Read yesterday's entry.) 
     (Side note: It's really a big DANG IT moment, because I don't know about you, but I HATE admitting my weaknesses. Some people call that prideful. It's genetic in my neck of the woods.) 
     I am addicted to food. Sugary food. Chocolate food. Unhealthy food. All food. 
     I have a real problem. Really. I have a really real problem with food. 
     There. It's out. It hurts. 
     Right before my shower, I hate a fourth of a half-gallon of Praire Farms ice cream. It sat in my fridge for well over a week, and nobody ate it. So today in a moment of weakness that was just like all the others I had in the week that I was somehow able to overcome, I succumbed to it. I don't know why this time was different. I certainly was able to ignore that mouth-watering picture of a cow (Just kidding, cows don't make my mouth water. Well, maybe a little) a dozen other times I opened the freezer this week. But today, I ate it. I intended to eat just two bites. You know, because the "experts" say you really only need a couple bites to satisfy a craving. (What do they know?) 
     I bargained with myself. 
     I'll eat just a little more than that. 
     In my mind, I visually carved out a section that would be "acceptable" to eat. The smaller portion on the left side of the container, which was really just a few more bites than the two I intended. Then I decided I would eat from that carton until the computer finally opened a program I was waiting to use. 
     But the computer was so slow. Another bite. Then another. I was eating as slow as the computer was working. So, you can see, it wasn't really my fault I ate it all, because it was the darn computer. The longer I waited for the computer to open the program, the more frustrated I became. The more frustrated I became, the more I justified the food in my hand. 
     It wasn't my fault, after all. It was the stupid computer. 
     Then I went to hide the ice cream container in the trash, which was overflowing. So I stuffed it in the bag, put something bigger over it and took the trash out to the garage. 
     I dusted off my hands — mission covert food addiction accomplished — and hopped in the shower. 
     There's NO DOUBT my complexion is related to the sugar or the dairy,  both of which I can hardly tolerate in large amounts. My reflection tells me a truth I don't want to acknowledge, and it doesn't lie. 
     But here's another truth. I'm normally so much better with food choices. I had been freed from the pain and suffering caused by years of abusive eating more than a year ago thanks to my full-body cellular cleansing and fat-burning replenishment system via Isagenix. 
      Well, I thought I was. 
     I used my pregnancy — not as an excuse, because excuses are excusable. Rather I used my pregnancy to justify something I should not be doing. That carried over in breastfeeding. Don't ask how, but in my mind, it all made sense. Extra calories. Pampering my body, which was suffering the ups and downs — mostly downs — of pregnancy and then caring for a newborn. And the struggles of early breastfeeding. 
     You may be wondering why this is any big deal at all. I mean, is ice cream bad? Most people don't think so in the slightest. 
      The truth is, yes and no. This product is made of ingredients that make me sick. They make everyone sick, if we're honest, but they make me sicker than most people. And I KNOW in my heart that I can satisfy that craving with something healthy. I also KNOW I could have stopped at two bites. I also KNOW I could have recognized the signs a few more bites in that I was emotionally eating. I also KNOW that I was playing games to justified my bad choice. 
     I guess I'm making progress, because I'm seeing it more clearly now, even if in retrospective. I understand what I'm doing. I know it's wrong, and I want to make right choices. I want to make right choices because I've cleansed my body, which helped me in all ways with cravings. I know that a clean body wants what it needs, not what's sitting in the freezer. And I know when my body is alkaline and clean, it functions so much better. Gone is the restlessness, the mental fog and the lack of energy throughout the day. My pain was resolved once I made better choices in my diet. My eating habits made my body function better, and I was much happier. That's right, eating good food (which doesn't include Prairie Farms ice cream, believe it or not!) made me happier. Feed the body, fuel the mind!
     Yet here I was stumbling. I had just told my husband two days earlier I had a food addiction. I admitted that I had bought a Reese's PB cup in the store checkout that day. 
     So what, he said. That doesn't mean you're addicted to food.  
     Bless him. He's so nice. He loves me, and he doesn't want me to feel bad about myself. He never has. So in a way, he helps me justify. I don't want him to help me justify. I want to be free again. 
     I hid the wrapper in a zipper pocket of my purse, I said. 

Evidence of my food addiction can be found tucked away in undisclosed locations. 

     It's not like it was the first time, I said, but just in my head this time. 
     I realized that it's a thing I do. It's a thing I've always done. 
     Sure, there are some people who eat giant stacks of Oreos and 65-ounce sodas out in the open. They may know it's bad or that it's unhealthy. Heck, they may even realize they have a food addiction. They may be struggling. I don't know, because they aren't me. I just know my food addiction is a covert one. It's hard for me to admit. I think the ones who do it openly might have more integrity than me. But let's be honest, a food addiction is dangerous and the struggle is real no matter where the battleground is. 
     Even harder than food addiction, at least for me, is admitting that the food controls me. I allow the food to control me. I'm out of control. 
     I said this to my husband, tears streaming down my face. He made some joke about how he was on his second lunch. He was. But both were relatively healthy. I don't see him binging on ice cream. Ever. 
     Besides, I said. I'm not here to condemn or point out anyone else's eating habits. I am here to say, I have a problem, and I need help. 
     The truth is Isagenix was a tool that helped me overcome the food addiction I wasn't even admitting I had a year ago. Now that I KNOW I have a problem, I'm using the fact that I can't cleanse as an excuse to further justify my bad behavior. 
     I still have some tools. The products I can eat have some qualities to assist me with the addiction, plus I can utilize Rod Hairston's wonderful new coaching program for a healthy mind and body. (I'm in heaven about this addition to a company that already stands for integrity and completeness in everything it does!) And I still and always have the power of prayer. Now, I can add to my tools that I have knowledge, which I've been told is power. (Ha! See how I did that there?)
     Much as I hated admitting I'm addicted to food, God — in his infinite wisdom — blessed me with a girl's writing yesterday to confirm that I am SUPPOSED to share this with you. Isabelle Loux has written about her struggles with anxiety and depression, writing I'm blessed that she's allowing to be published in Mighty Strong Girls. But the truth is, her perspective has blessed me as the writing of so many girls in this ministry has! 
     They constantly remind me that we don't get help in the dark. We MUST bring our struggles into the light. There, we find hope, mercy, Jesus, forgiveness and community. We discover we aren't alone, and mostly importantly, we help one another. 
     If this resonates with you, then join me, please. Help me be accountable, and I'll help you. Let's live this struggle out — in the light. Let this post be the start of a conversation, and let's get really real with one another!

New Year, New YOU!

     Well, that's a deceiving title. I don't know if there will be a NEW YOU in 2015, but I do know there will be a NEW ME!
     I love fresh starts, do-overs, blank pages. I am a writer, after all, and there's nothing more inspiring than a new page to start a new story. I've been thinking a lot about my New Year's post, mostly because last year I was in Sierra Leone and coming off of one of the worst years in my life. I didn't write a New Year's post. I was in a not-so-good place. 2013 was a crappy year — one I KNEW I didn't want to repeat. 
     Yet, I was afraid to write down a thing. Because, you see, 2013 started on a very positive note. And it just got worse and worse until it ended in what seemed like an abyss of darkness. I could hardly bear the thought of writing out goals and starting out a positive note when so much "could" go wrong. 
     So I started out wrong. I cried at my annual doctor appointment in January, and I moped around in self pity for a few months. I became my own worst enemy. I didn't mean to; it just kind of happened gradually.
     Then I decided that if I wanted God to answer my prayers, I better use the brain He gave me to make better choices. 
     He made it clear before I began that it all hinged on one thing. Get over the pity party. God reminded me that He loved me in the miserable, pathetic place where I was living, and before I did anything, I better love the girl in the mirror. Because He did. And so did my husband. It was time for my most important choice of all. LOVE MYSELF JUST AS I AM, NO STRINGS ATTACHED, KNOWING SHE MIGHT NEVER CHANGE A BIT. 
     Just like that, I did. A few months into what appeared to be the crappy start to another crappy year, I set my goal. My one goal. 
     In April/May, I decided I was going to take the best care of myself that I humanly could and make the best choices I was financially and practically able to make to be the healthiest me. After all, I am charged with taking care of the body God gave me, the one He calls His temple. I was so used to taking care of everyone else first that it was a big adjustment, but I didn't want to miss another holiday. I had spent Halloween in bed in 2013 because it happened to be one of the 3-6 days a month that I was so sick I couldn't function.
     2014 was a mixed year. There were challenges, still, like there had been the year before. But I learned so much, mostly that while the bad years suck, they are the ones where I grow the most. The bad times are when I find myself learning more about myself and realizing just how faithful God is, as crazy as that sounds. He speaks more and more when I am hurting, sad and desperate. And that part is actually good, and my growth is also worth celebrating. 
     It also helps me remember that the accomplishments and memories during these times are that much better. 
     In 2014, I had insomnia, but I wrote a book. I had pain, but I found Isagenix. I was hurt by people I loved, but God proved He's all I'll ever need. I spent many days in bed sick, but the chains of illness were broke forever. I felt shadows of depression and then learned the way to true JOY through my Savior.
     I COULD focus on all the crappy things that happened. Or I can chose to see all the wonderful things God did in the midst of the muck and mire. That's just how good He is, that He does care very much about our hurting and suffering. Amazing character growth can come through it, and He certainly cares about that. But mostly He just wants us to cling to Him.
     Some people say we shouldn't relive the past, but I learned a lot last year, so I'd like to take those lessons forward!
     Things I did in 2014 that I want to repeat in 2015: 
     1. Fuel my body with health foods. Isagenix was by FAR the best thing in my year. I kept trying and trying and failing with better and organic foods. Nothing even came close. I'm so grateful for the healthy products I'm putting in my and my family members' bodies — and in my baby's body.
     2. More spas. I'm so thankful for my friend Jan and the spa she did for me. This has been a fabulous tool to show the LOVE of Jesus to girls and moms in a world that sees Jesus as punitive and monstrous.
     3. Write a book. I have the idea and concept for another one, and I'm praying God will show me how to publish the first one! Maybe it's just to my blog, or maybe just to the women and girls who go through the spa. I'd love for Him to show me the way.
     
     "New" goals for the new year:
     4. Spend more quality time with family. Homeschooling and working from home means we're constantly in each others' hair, but it doesn't mean we spend "quality" time together. I want to be more intentional with my family! This will be more important than ever with baby No. 3 on the way this summer.
     5. Build my Isagenix business. By the grace of God, our products are paid for, so that's HUGE and I'm grateful for it. But we do need a car because Dan can't fit four in his truck. I have specific financial goals, and I'm praying that Isagenix is the answer because not only does it help us, but the nutrition is freeing so many of my loved ones from food addictions and enabling them to eat healthier than ever before! My specific goals are to buy an inexpensive used car by May and have an income of $500 a month over and above for myself. By the end of the year, my goal is $5,000 a month. Sound crazy? I'm totally motivated to help my friends Rick and Paula Miller — missionaries who lost a lot of funding and need to get back home to Sierra Leone as soon as possible. I'm trusting God to make the impossible possible! Having more money to give is another one of the best things about Isagenix!! 
     6. Sell our house and downsize our mortgage. This goes along with No. 5. If we can shave $500 off our mortgage, it will allow us to afford baby no. 3 AND have more to give!

     Things I did in 2014 I hope to never do again: 
     7. Obsess over homeschool. I'm attending the conference and finding a more managable online school for the next school year. All this planning, grading and curriculum design is NOT my thing!
     8. Keep my house meticulous. That means our house needs to sell and soon. I don't like living in a museum state, chasing dust bunnies and getting OCD about crumbs on the floor. I'd like to move on to things that matter!
    9. Overcommit. I am learning boundaries and more about this two-letter word NO. It might require loads of therapy, but I hear using this word can be done! 
    10. Spend a week in a beach house with extended family. Thanks for the memories! A repeat is not necessary. I actually just threw this in because it's funny. It really wasn't that bad. There was a beach after all. Did I mention the beach was LOADED with the stinkiest seaweed, interspersed with six-foot mounds of seaweed? It was like a metaphor for how we felt sharing that space. I'm kidding. We loved every minute of it. There are seaweed sculptures — and photos — to prove it.  

   

Three things that changed my life

     It amazes me sometimes. 
     That it took me 40 years to realize a few nuggets that are the key to successful living. It's hard to admit it, but I find myself face palming over my lack of common sense. Probably it's more likely that I know, but I don't really want to live it out. 
     For years, I've been disappointed in my health, blaming all kinds of circumstances and people for my shortcomings and weaknesses (not eating right and not exercising enough, chiefly) that were exacerbating my medical and physical conditions. Something changed this summer. It was major. It was radical.
     But it was also kind of simple. Crazy simple. 
     It started on the inside, and the results are beginning to show on the outside, too. 
     Here are three things I did that transformed my life, in this order. The ordering is kind of important!
     1. I ACCEPTED ME. 
     I decided that I was enough for my husband and my children. That they loved me in spite of all my shortcomings. They loved me with the 30 or so extra pounds I was carrying. They loved me despite my headaches and the days I spent in bed because of them. They loved me even when I had major reactions to food and felt miserable. Not only that, but I decided if God could accept me, what was I waiting for? I accepted myself  as a child of God -- loved just where I was, flaws, imperfections and all. Because He does!
     It was simple. I looked in the mirror, and I made a choice. I WILL LOVE HER. I won't criticize or condemn. And really, why should I? Nobody else was. God wasn't. My husband has only been totally supportive and loving. He's never criticized me for how I look...ever! In fact, he's done nothing but the opposite. Praising me. Lifting me up. Loving me. Reminding me of how important I am, and loving every thing about how I look. I needed to adopt a perspective like my loving heavenly father and my husband on who I am. So I decided I needed to make it my choice, too. 

     2. I TRUSTED GOD. 
     I decided no matter what happened from that point on, I would trust it to God. He knows me. He knows best. I would hand over all the controls and the steering wheel, acknowledging that there is indeed very little I can control in the grand scheme of things. 
     I also figured that when it came to the changes I knew I needed to make, I wouldn't be able to make them on my own. I would need Him more than ever. He would have to be my source of strength. 
     Not long after, I saw Carolyn Twietmeyer post about her Isagenix journey -- again. I had already asked her about it in the past, but I was afraid. I didn't want the teen girls who are watching me to think I was looking for "lose weight fast" diet schemes. I didn't want a diet scheme myself. I didn't want a shortcut...been there done that, Weight Watchers and Slim Fast. 
     But I was constantly attracted to the message that Carolyn lifted herself up out of poor health to have the energy to raise a huge family using Isagenix products.  The feel-good, energy boosting, cleansing, healing, holistic part of her testimony was screaming out to me.
     I wanted REAL change. I wanted to feel good. I wanted to spend fewer days in bed every month. I wanted an end to pain. But I wanted it without taking missteps or shortcuts. Whatever I did, I wanted it to be nutritionally sound, organic and whole. I also didn't want to give up every good thing, because let's face it, God made food and it is GOOD! 
     After I had accepted myself and decided I would trust God, I was having a bad day with poor health when Carolyn posted about a 30-day Isagenix cleanse. I had some extra money from mileage reimbursement, and I was desperate. Desperate to be the wife and mother God created me to be. I prayed about it, and I knew in my heart that God was nudging me. 
     It's been about 70 days, and it's been an incredible journey! I completed the 30-day cleanse with no expectation for weight loss. I simply wanted to feel better. Isagenix exceeded my expectations in ways I am not sure I can ever fully express. I ended up losing 10 pounds the first month and 20.5 inches! I lost another 7 pounds since, and I cannot stop loving myself even more than I did before. I have muscle tone that I haven't seen since my early 20's! 
     I did my best with the cleanse, but I didn't do everything. And I didn't do it perfectly. That leads me to the last thing I committed to...

     3. I APPLIED DISCIPLINE. 
     About four years ago, I began reading my Bible daily. Little did I know that one decision would transform every aspect of my life. Practicing self discipline in staying in His word has spilled over into every facet of my life. I was establishing a track record with myself for being accountable and reliable. 
     Do I have bad days? Yes, and I KNOW sometimes routine becomes routine with no real impact. I have recently added deliberate morning prayer to my daily routine, and that has helped my heart stay in all things. I will still have bad days, but I know that because I am trusting God (see No. 2), I can forgive myself and get back on track. 
     Perhaps the strangest thing about Isagenix is drinking meals. It was a hard adjustment for me to make. My jaws wanted to move. I craved the chewing motion, the crunching, the texture of food. But I trusted God and overcame. 
     The best part of Isagenix for me is that my gluten intolerance and general digestive problems can be avoided when I KNOW that my body will tolerate the shakes and other food products. And to top it off, I'm getting some of the very best nutrition at every meal, and I don't have to think about what I can eat and then go to great lengths to prepare an inconvenient meal in an already busy schedule. 
     I drink a shake at one or two meals daily. My family always eats dinner together -- a dinner without processed ingredients or sugar or gluten. It's not too far off from what we ate before, but a lot less cheese and casserole types of dishes. More filling fibers and proteins. It's usually chicken, fish or beef with steamed vegetables, rice or potatoes and fruit. 
     I decided that the cost of not doing this exceeds the price tag of buying Isagenix. Yes, it's expensive, but I am more than worth it! I HAVE to be in the best physical, emotional, mental and spiritual condition to do the things God has called me to do -- be a wife, a mom, a leader with Mighty Strong Girls and simply to be His child. 
     Isagenix is a nutritionally sound investment in my health. I never would have known if I hadn't had the courage to try it, to give it my all and trust God. If it weren't for Carolyn sharing, I would still be having more miserable days than good days. I'm so thankful to her, and now I'm preparing to help others enroll so that they can feel the JOY that I have from losing weight and fueling my body with the best food product I have found!

Gluten....it's gotta go!

     So it seems after an eight-week gluten-free trial earlier this year, this little protein that shows up most commonly in wheat is the culprit that has been wreaking havoc on my gut for the last nine years. 
     GLUTEN. 
     The very thing I scoffed at years ago. The very thing I was so thankful wasn't "my problem" is very much my problem. Ha! 
     I didn't want it to be my problem because I didn't want to give up bread, pancakes, cookies, brownies, etc. 
     Countless emergency room visits and (pardon the TMI here) horrendous, excruciating painful gas left me doubled over in pain for days -- strung together for weeks of misery. Sometimes I couldn't get out of bed the pain was so bad!
     This gluten-free thing all started when I found a study of 275 or so endometriosis patients who did a gluten-free diet for 12 months. After a year, 75 percent of them were nearly pain free! 
     That's all I needed to hear. Early this year, when discussing my options once again with my doctor, I was determined to avoid surgery and drastic treatments for endometriosis -- mostly because it just keeps coming back, even after surgery. If I couldn't be pain-free with surgery, what was the point? I wanted a permanent solution. I craved long-lasting healing. 
     So I cut out all gluten from my diet for four weeks, which turned into six for safe measure and then eight. 
     I certainly felt no different after that time, so when I was out one weekend working on Mighty Strong Girls interviews on the road, I began eating gluten again. A big Arby's roast beef sandwich for lunch and then Avanti's -- pasta and bread -- for dinner. Two days later, I thought I was dying. It was pretty bad. Nausea, sweating, pain in the entire abdomen. 
     That's when it occurred to me that gluten may or may not lessen my endometriosis symptoms, but it certainly could be the culprit for the undiagnosed pain I had experienced for years in my upper abdomen. Tests were all inclusive. Not really a gall bladder problem. No ulcers. No scarring from reflux, but that's what they ended up saying I was suffering from -- acid reflux. 
     Again with the TMI, I had awful, embarrassing, painful and sometimes stinky gas. I wasn't sure what it was related to, though my doctor said it can be a symptom of endo.  
     It's been six months since my trial, and going gluten-free has changed my life! I feel so much better. I rarely have gas, and when I do, it's not painful. No more stomach problems and pains, and severely lessened pain related to endometriosis. 
     The key to determining my sensitivity to gluten was reintroducing it, which I'm not sure I would recommend! 
     I'm sharing this because more and more people are going on gluten-free diets. Not because it's a weight-loss thing (it's not!) but because gluten is the result of food that has been altered over the years. Like so much of our diet, it's processed. It's not the natural state of wheat. It's unnatural. And it's likely the reason for lots of illnesses, including those that affect the brain. 
     The good news is that there are now lots of gluten-free products available in almost every supermarket. I can still eat all the bread products I want, which may or may not be a good thing!
     I've read tons of articles on gluten, but I found this one fairly easy, straight-forward and all-encompassing. I highly recommend anyone who has a digestive, brain or inflammation type of illness read it, go on a gluten-free trial and see for yourself if you don't experience major freedom in your own health! 

http://authoritynutrition.com/6-shocking-reasons-why-gluten-is-bad/   Be sure to also read the linked article at the end!

We are overcomers!

A few days ago, my super brave, super awesome cousin Anne posted something raw and authentic on Facebook that made me think about how I see myself and how women see and treat their bodies.

She agreed to let me share what she had to say: 

     Why am I so nervous to post this…
     I have a laziness problem and I know it.
     Let me start by stating what I want.
     My objective is…to be healthier in every way. I want to get into shape by becoming more active, eating less and more healthy, and to stop pretending that I can change tomorrow when I need to change immediately. I have plenty of family history to prove that I’ll end up with diabetes (or something worse) much sooner than I realize and I have to stop kidding myself that I can do it alone. How would I really like to tackle this? I’d be able to afford a fat farm and disappear for 3-6 months only to emerge as I should be and no one would have to tell me I look great or ask me how I’m doing along the way. I know that’s not how it works, but I have this weird problem with being complemented when I don’t think I should be. I put myself in this situation, and I don’t want anyone asking me if I’ve lost weight. I want to get healthy in my own little bubble and just go about business without having any focus placed on me. That being said…
     This is a way for me to admit to myself that I have to stop pretending I can motivate myself on my own and that things are not going to change by ignoring the situation. I’m not stupid. I know what and how I’m supposed to get in shape, but I have a serious motivation problem and I need help. I’ve started all kinds of diets and workouts, and I’ve tried relying on people to provide accountability before but something always happens and I (and those trying to motivate me) give up. Please spare me the lecture about how this decision has to come solely from me (or don’t), but I when I was active I was being coached and yelled at all along the way and rarely did anything just because I wanted to do it. Cross-country, track, basketball, volleyball, cheerleading…about the only thing I actually tried to work on outside of actual practice was choir and that didn’t require me to put down the cheeseburger.
     So, I figured I would crowd-source my accountability. Maybe if I opened up about my problems to Facebook, then I could find a number of people that would be willing to remind me not to be lazy on a daily basis. I need a coach, and I can’t afford a live-in trainer. I even considered posting BEFORE pictures and listing my statistics in this post, but I’m WAY too scared to do it because it’s bad. I mean, REAL BAD. I’m glad I missed my 15 year high school reunion and I’m scared to go to my husband’s 20 year reunion in 2 weeks because all I can think about is his classmates going, “Why is he with HER?” Anyways, I’ll end with this. This is not an attempt to fat-shame myself into losing weight. If you’re happy with yourself, then more power to you. I am not happy and therefore, need to change. Who wants to help?
     Eek! I'm so nervous to hit the post button.

     I so resonate with Anne's words! I don't talk about it, because
     1. I hate the weight but worse, I hate how the extra weight makes me feel. I FEEL unhealthy. I don't have the energy to do the things I need to do. Migraines keep me in bed three days a month. That's ridiculous! Life is to dang short! Body aches and pains, sinus issues, etc., etc.
     2. My husband says I'm hot like every day. I think he really means it. And I'm jealous that he is able to love me when I think I'm unlovable. I KNOW to do anything successfully I need to love myself first. Without that, it's not going to work. And yet, telling an overweight woman to be happy when she's clearly not is like picking up Legos while my kids are in the middle of building a replica of Hogwarts. 
     3. We live in a world that values perfection. It's hard enough to live with a problem that shows itself every time you put on a bathing suit, or a pair of jeans, or heck, even a parka, but then when you stumble, it's harder to pick yourself up and get back in the game. 

     But I'm going to stand shoulder-to-shoulder with Anne and anyone else who wants to join us. I'm going to be real, like really real. So it could get ugly. It will probably be scary. It might be sad. It most definitely could get hilarious. I hope. Won't you please join us, recruit more and come be part of a new thing -- women helping women, women helping their daughters or their mothers to be overcomers!
     I don't just want to tackle the weighty issue of size but really the whole issue of who I am that encompasses how I feel, think, operate, move and more. Here it is again...it's the whole health thing, the holistic journey. I'm ready! Let's go!

Chasing a gold standard

     I will never forget the time my husband spilled breast milk on the kitchen counter. Ever. 
     Because I cried. And it wasn't just because of my hormones. Being a first-time mom was the most stressful thing that ever happened to me. Despite the plethora of books I had read, classes I had taken and the two college degrees I had, I was fully unprepared. Entirely. Completely. 
     There was one really good thing I knew I could give my daughter, and that was breast milk. I had done my research, and I knew this was the gold standard in baby nutrition. Good for the body and for the brain. 
      I don't know what it was (hmmmm....I don't know, possibly the fact that I was stressed out as a new mom!) but my breast milk production was awful. After the first three months, it was inadequate, and I had to supplement. 
     Still, I persisted. I pumped a ridiculous three times a day at work, plus one side on the drive there and one on the drive home. I took supplements, ate oatmeal and drank tons of water. All this for about four to six total ounces daily. A baby this age takes about 30-40 ounces in a 24-hour period. Looking back, I think I must have been insane to invest all that work for so little. But I was trying to make the best decision with the information I had available to me. I wanted to do what was best for my baby.
     And that's why I cried when my husband dumped over the milk. It represented a huge investment. It was liquid gold all over the counter top that was no unusable! I was crushed! 
     I've been thinking, studying and praying a lot about nutrition lately. I'm hardly an expert, but for some reason when this story came to mind, it reminded me that the best stuff for us isn't always the easiest stuff to come by!  We have to work at it, and even then, we have to study and learn more about it. I had to understand how to adapt my diet to better provide for my baby. I wasn't equipped with this knowledge. It was a process of learning.
     We have simplified food growth to the point where it's all about volume and yield. What was done with the intentions of feeding more with less available space hasn't come with complications, criticisms, controversy and even corruption. What has become less common is man planting seeds and raising his own food or at the very least, knowing exactly where his food came from and how it was grown, processed and packaged. We have sacrificed nurturing in lieu of "faster" and "more." 
     And that's the so-called "natural" food we raise -- produce, meats and poultry, and dairy. Then there's all the fast-food nonsense and packaged goodies, filled with every kind of poison imaginable. Sugar, salt, artificial colors and flavors. Additives intended for yoga mats, additives that happen to be highly addictive. 
     I have spent most of my life eating healthy — comparatively. You know, compared to the majority of people. Not that I like to be in the habit of comparisons, but that's what I was doing. And I felt good about it. Therein lies the BIG PROBLEM with comparisons. Just because I was eating good compared to a statistic did not mean I was eating good for me. I still bought crappy food into my house "for the kids" and then ate it when I knew I shouldn't. I still ate way out of proportion, and I still ate many packaged foods despite homemade dinners every night.
     However, I've been learning lately that is is not good enough. I know better, and I can do better. I HAVE to do better. My body is unhappy; it's raging against the poor quality food I've been dumping in it the last four decades. I've fought "intestinal issues" that cannot firmly be diagnosed for seven years. I have raging endometriosis, migraines, sinus issues and fibromyaligia. The fact that I can even operate most days is miraculous. I've been a walking, talking emotional/mental/spiritual/physical time bomb. I needed a wake-up call. 
      I'm finally listening. 
     I want the spilled milk. I want the good stuff. I want the gold standard of nutrition that fosters mental clarity, stabilizes emotional moodiness, improves my physical well-being and opens me up spiritually. I don't know exactly what that is, so I'm starting with what I do know, which is a lot. I will do the best I can with what I know, committing myself to learning more as I go and forgiving myself for messing up along the way. 
     I'm not an expert. I don't understand everything there is to food. Heck, just when I think I know something, I hear a report that contradicts my knowledge. 
     But I won't be discouraged by that. I will persist. I will grow some of what I can, buy what I know to be the best when I can afford it, eat what's best for me as often as I can and then pray that God will meet me there. 
     It's not a destination. It's a journey of whole health. I will need grace. I will need encouragement. I will need wisdom. Therefore, I will need Jesus. So He will be right at the heart of this new thing.